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The Tao of Israeli Politics

The journalist and the settler met by a house in the middle of the desert.

The journalist asked the settler, “How can you live on land that does not belong to you, that you do not own?”

The settler looked at him warily and responded, “What is ownership of land?”

The journalist considered for a moment, before responding, “Ownership is a legal right granted by society that allows individuals to use land.”

“My society gave me the right to own this land,” the settler stated. “Well, they looked away while I took ownership of the land. Same difference.”

“The right to ownership of this land was not your society’s to give,” the journalist pressed.

The settler shrugged. “What of it? Ownership of land is an illusion,” he stated.

“Yet, you claim to own this land,” the journalist pointed out.

The settler raised his shotgun. “The wise man knows that there are philosophical arguments,” he observed, “and then there are facts on the ground. Would you like to test your philosophical arguments against my facts on the ground?”

* * *

The journalist had invited himself to the Prime Minister’s office; despite the press of official business, the politician graciously agreed to see him.

“Mister Prime Minister,” the journalist stated in a way that appeared to be a question, “common wisdom is that Israel has between 200 and 300 nuclear warheads.” When the Prime Minister made no move to respond, the journalist added, “Is that not true?”

“Common wisdom,” the Prime Minister, concealing his annoyance at being confronted by an impertinent statement/question with a calm façade, replied, “is the fly that buzzes around the tail of a musk ox.”

The journalist blinked. “I – I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

“It wasn’t disgusting enough the first time I said it?” the Prime Minister, smiling, responded.

The journalist, obviously not trained in the classical way, persisted: “Mister Prime Minister, about those nuclear warheads…?”

“Have you seen any Israeli nuclear warheads?” the Prime Minister asked.

“Well, no.”

“Have you touched any Israeli nuclear warheads?”

“No.”

“Have you heard any Israeli nuclear warheads?”

“No.”

“Have you smelled any Israeli nuclear warheads?”

“Do they even have a smell?”

“So,” the Prime Minister summed up, “you have neither seen nor touched nor heard nor smelled Israel’s nuclear warheads. And, yet, you ask me about the nature of my country’s nuclear weapons.”

“But, Mister Prime Minister, if one of your Arab neighbours attacked you…?”

There it was – another statement/question! Without hesitation, the Prime Minister said/answered, “We would use our nuclear weapons to obliterate them.”

“The nuclear weapons,” the journalist, confusion on his face, pointed out, “you argue my senses should tell me do not exist.”

“There is more to the world,” the Prime Minister concluded, “than you can perceive with your senses.”

* * *

The Israeli Prime Minister and the American President were taking tea in the Rose Garden.

“About the peace process…” the President ventured.

The Prime Minister pondered for a moment. This was a delicate situation. The President was…imperfectly tutored in the classical teachings, but deference had to be paid to his high position. Eventually, the Prime Minister said, “I perceive no peace process.”

“Well, no,” the President agreed. “You walked away from the peace process six months ago.”

“You cannot wash your face in the same political negotiations twice,” the Prime Minister advised him.

The President considered this. Perhaps he wasn’t a complete barbarian. Or, perhaps he was yearning for the next time he would find peace with his wife and children. The President had his own veil of inscrutability. Eventually, he said, “What you say is true. Still, you cannot wash your hands of a political negotiation and subsequently claim that they are clean.”

The Prime Minister tried to find a way to express his position in terms the President would understand. After a time, he said, “Mister President, we had to kill the peace process to save the peace process.”

“So, the peace process is…?”

“Dead. Yet, not dead.”

“It is a quandary.”

“Indeed.”

They sipped tea for a while. Eventually, the President ventured: “How may we best deal with the part of the peace process which is not dead?”

The Prime Minister grinned. “Be conscious of the breath going through your body and the sunlight shining down on your face,” he advised.

How deep run the philosophical waters of Israeli politics!

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