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The Tao of International Politics

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“Why did the Prime Minister sign a deal with the United States allowing it to keep some of the money levied on Canadian lumber and capping the amount of lumber Canada can sell to the United States?”

“To curry favour with the American President?”

“Why would the Prime Minister want to curry favour with the American President? His approval ratings are lower than Bozo the Clown!”

“That may be, but he is still the President. When Bozo the Clown is the President, the Prime Minister will curry favour with him.”

“Will the favour of the American President mean his country will now abide by the North American Free Trade Agreement that it has signed?”

“No. The President will ignore the North American Free Trade Agreement if it suits his domestic purposes.”

“Then, what good is currying favour with him?”

The editor hit the journalist with a stick. “If you do not understand this simple paradigm, you are not ready to cover international politics,” he calmly stated.

* * *

“Do we have an ideological litmus test for appointing judges?”

“Absolutely not. Judges are appointed on the basis of their knowledge of the law and the wisdom with which they apply it.”

“Then, why was there a piece of paper with several questions on it in the room where the latest appointment were vetted?”

“I saw no such paper.”

“The paper had questions like ‘Do you believe abortion is murder?’ and “Do you believe in the literal word of the Bible?’ on it.”

“I saw no such paper.”

“The paper had the words ‘Judicial Litmus Test’ in large, bright red letters at the top of it.”

“I saw no such paper.”

“And, yet, it was right there. On the table. Several copies. How do you –”

The Attorney General hit the Justice Department lawyer with a stick. “If you do not understand the subtle interplay between perception and reality – sometimes known as the principle of plausible deniability – you are not ready to work with me,” he calmly stated.

* * *

“We must support the movement to stop Iran’s nuclear programme.”

“Does Iran not have the right to develop nuclear energy?”

“In what sense?”

“In the sense that Iran has signed the nuclear non-proliferation treaty but has the right to develop nuclear energy for civilian use sense?”

The editor hit the journalist with a stick. “If you do not understand where our readers’ sympathies lie, you are still not ready to cover international politics,” he calmly stated.

* * *

“We have increased the number of soldiers in Iraq.”

“This is true.”

“We have increased the number of sorties our bombers are flying over the country.”

“This, too, is true.”

“We have increased the amount of ordnance – the number of bombs – that is dropped on the country by each bomber as it flies.”

“I know what ordnance is, thank you. Otherwise, you are correct.”

“We have increased pressure on the Iraqi government to clamp down on insurgents.”

“We have done all of this, yes.”

“And, yet, attacks by insurgents on our forces and our allies within the Iraq government and police forces continue to increase.”

“This, alas, is also true.”

“Are we losing the war in Iraq?”

The President hit the Defense Department underling with a stick. “If you do not understand the subtle interplay between chaos and order, between the bomb and the building, between the bullet and the body, you are not ready to work in this administration,” he calmly stated.

* * *

“You have not asked a question in a long time.”

“Is that so?”

“I perceive it to be so.”

“Perhaps your perception is faulty. I do not perceive it to be so.”

“Yet, you do not ask.”

“Perhaps I do not want to be hit by a stick.”

“Do you not want to be hit by a stick?”

“I only suggest it as a hypothetical possibility.”

“A quantum fear of the stick?”

“Perhaps I have transcended the need to ask questions.”

The editor beamed. “Then, you are ready to cover international politics.” Then, the editor hit the journalist with a stick.

“Oww! Why did you do that?”

“Perhaps I have not transcended the need to hit underlings with a stick…”

Strange and wondrous, indeed, are the ways of the – oww! Why did you – OWW! Hey! Stop hitting me with that stick!

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