by CORIANDER NEUMANEIMANAYMANEEMAMANN, Alternate Reality News Service Urban Issues/Labour Writer
Three years after Fort McMurry was rebuilt, house prices in the city, especially its suburban belt (the part that circles the downtown core and keeps its pants from falling to its knees), have skyrocketed. Why? A highly unusual wave of immigrants have come to Alberta, driving the market ever higher. Who?
“Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemons!” cried Fort McMurray Pastor Andrew McAndrews. “Demons! Demons! Demons! Demons! De-e-e-e-e-e-e-emons!”
“Christians! Soooooo judgmental,” said new Fort McMurray resident Nogar the Odiferous. “We prefer to think of ourselves as ‘differently moralled engines of economic growth and prosperity.'”
“Demons! Pastor McAndrews insisted. “From Hell! They’re here to damn all of our souls to eternal perdition!”
Nogar the Odiferous, resplendent in a golf outfit that would make your eyes bleed if you looked at it for too long, tutted. He pointed out that demons were quite capable of mining human souls from Hell, thank you very much. In fact, that was the problem: demons were so good at collecting souls that Hell was heavily oversubscribed. It was like an airplane seat sale that had been tragically overbooked. In short, it was crowded, and getting crowdeder with every cheating spouse and crooked stock sale.
“We’re not here for your souls,” Nogar the Odiferous argued. “We’re here for your incredibly undervalued real estate!”
Why now? Nogar the Odiferous explained that, until recently, Earth was too cold for his kind to live on comfortably. “The heating bills would have far offset any advantage we would have in buying the land. But, now? Well! I don’t want to give credence to crackpot theories of global warming – everybody knows what a hoax that is! – I mean, Al Gore? Pfft! We had his soul when he was three years old! He should never have – ahem. Sorry. I can be such a yenta. Look: all I’m saying is that the place feels very…homey, now, you know? A place where a differently moralled engine of economic growth and prosperity could lay down roots…so he could uproot them and salt the earth so nothing would ever grow in it again, I mean.”
When it comes to figuring out how widespread the immigration of demons to Canada is, hard figures are ha – not easy to come by. When asked about the trend, representatives of the federal Department of Immigration, Refugees and Citizenship, as well as the Alberta Land Registry Office, responded with the chant, “Pri-va-cy. Pri-va-cy. Pri-va-cy. Was there any-thing else?” It was almost as if they had been…I don’t know…enchanted somehow.
However, there are other ways of gauging the growth of an immigration population. For example: in the last three months, several “soul food” restaurants catering to demons (and hipsters looking for the next big trend, granted, but mostly demons) have sprung up in Fort McMurray. With such catchy names as The Manna With the Golden Bun, The Sufferin’s in the Sauce, and Bruce, they offer such dishes as “braised duck in a white ‘virgin’ sauce” and “chicken croquettes with your choice of sin on the side.”
Newly appointed Mayor of Fort McMurray James McJameson (who took office after former Mayor Melissa Blake had an unfortunate encounter with a Yeti) admitted to having mixed feelings about the development. “On the one hand,” he said, “differently moralled engines of economic growth and prosperity don’t share our customs, they don’t eat the same foods that we eat, and they smell – of sulfur! Don’t try to deny it! Ain’t enough Axxe in the world to cover that stench! And, then there’s their whole business model trading people’s souls. Eeeeeeewwwww!
“On the other hand, I can’t wait to spend the new money that will flow into our enhanced property tax base. Our greatly enhanced property tax base. Our incredibly, stupidly hugely enhanced property -“
After five minutes of this, I got the distinct impression that the Mayor was not as torn as he would have his constituents believe.
“Oh, we know that the only reason we’re being allowed to live here is because of the incredibly, stupidly huge amount of money we bring to the city,” Nogar the Odiferous allowed. “We’re not fresh off the boat that plies the River Styx, you know. We’ve been around. For most of human history, if you want the truth of it. Still, we like to think we have a lot to offer the Fort McMurray community.
“If you just give us a chance, you will be amazed at how our presence will transform this community…”