SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
| 1. | Has Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover or the Chairs of any Congressional oversight committees expressed an interest in interviewing you, or has the press expressed the hope that one or both will? | |
| NO | 2. | Go back to your life, citizen. Just be aware that, if you are a close associate of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, it’s only a matter of time before somebody in a position of authority will want to talk to you. So, as you go back to your life, GO back TO 1. |
| YES | 3. | Tell the brazen braying jackals of the lying mainstream media that Ronald McDruhitmumpf is the best President Vesampucceri has had since the Flintlockenlowdstones were eating bronto burgers and getting into prehistoric hijinks, and you would never, ever, ever say a bad thing about him to anybody, copper, see? Never. Ever. Never ever. Basically, say whatever you think is most likely to convince the President to bestow a pardon you if you should encounter any…unpleasantness. |
| 4. | Are you cordially invited to testify before a congressional committee? Like, on a specific date? | |
| YES | 5. | Testify, brother! |
| NO | 6. | How close an associate of the President are you? Just to be on the safe side, go back to kissing his a…pple, because it’s only a matter of time… |
| 7. | In your testimony, do you lie to the committee? | |
| YES | 8. | Of course you do! Didn’t you just say that you would take a bullet in your most sensitive parts for the President? Lying isn’t nearly as painful. Well, not in the short term. Besides, the committee is stacked with Republican Presidential sycophants – they’ll hit you with questions so soft you’ll think you’re in the middle of a dorm room pillow fight! And, the beauty part? No follow-up questions! |
| NO | 9. | Are you lying now? Cause, if you’re not, the President will find out. And, you’d best believe that the grudge he will have over your actions will have a longer half life than Plutonium! Seriously, don’t try to kid a Margot Kidder – GO TO 8. |
| 10. | Does Special Prosecutor Meullitallover ask you over for a spot of tea and conversation? | |
| NO | 11. | You’ve got horseshoes up your butt, friend. You have buttshoes. Don’t expect it to last, though. The Special Prosecutor is such a yenta – he’ll talk to anybody! |
| 12. | Do you cooperate with the Special Prosecutor? | |
| YES | 13. | Whoa! You just bought yourself a tweepstorm of biblical proportions, friend! And, that pardon you keep dreaming about? To be honest, the odds that you were going to get it were pretty slim to begin with, but, now? The President’s signing pen just turned to ice! |
| NO | 14. | You know, Congress may be a very forgiving place, but if there’s one thing the Special Prosecutor hates more than anything, it’s people who lie to the duly elected representatives of the people. Yes, even more than duly elected representatives who lie to the people. Barely, but more. Expect orange with orange accents to be the colour palette of your wardrobe for many years to come! |
| 15. | Does your cooperation with the Special Prosecutor help him build a case against somebody who is a closer associate of the President than you are? | |
| NO | You know, most kids have realized that there is no such thing as a pardon from President McDruhitmumpf by the time they’re six. Talk about a case of arrested development! GO TO 14. until you grow up. | |
| YES | 16. | Thanks. You may be a rat and a stoolie and all the other things you swore you would never be in 3. but, on the other hand, you’ll be a rat and a stoolie and etc. etc. who will serve minimal jail time. A grateful nation thanks you for your service, and hopes to never see you in the public eye again. |
NOTES
The McDruhitmumpf Associate Behaviour Algorithm (also known as: “The With Friends Like These…” Algorithm and “The Bag Men and Tag Men” Algorithm) is based on the observed interactions between Congressional committees, representatives of Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover and close associates of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf (among others: Paul Bildapillofort and the two Michaels: Flyinnthuointmeant and Cohonotagen).
The algorithm is not predictive: just because it represents known past behaviour does not mean that some time in the future associates ever closer to the President won’t find new and creative ways to screw up. And, as always, the algorithm is descriptive, not proscriptive; it describes the way things are rather than the way things should be. Because, like the best HBO TV series, there may be no right way for things in this scenario to be, only varying degrees of awfulness.