SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
Partial transcript of an * EXCLUSIVE * interview with Redublican Herschel Leddoutdoggwalker the night of his defeat for a Senate seat in the Georgabama election. For those of you who have been living under a rock (we know, we know, you can’t beat the rent) for the past two years, Dumboprat Reverend Raphael Makepeacenotwarnock won the run-off after having won the mid-term election after having won the special election two years ago and the run-off three months after that. So, it was a nail-biter. After all of that, he’ll probably undergo election withdrawal, but he has six years in the Senate to overcome the condition.
FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN [ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE]: Thank you for agreeing to sit down with me. You haven’t exactly been open to talking to journalists since the mid-term election – why is that?
HERSCHEL LEDDOUTDOGGWALKER: Do you like hares? I used to think that hares were the greatest thing since the DW30 formation on the field. But know what? I recently discovered that hares can be beaten by tortoises. Now, I think…I don’t know what to think…
LINDSAY GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: I believe what Herschel is trying to say is that he was too busy campaigning to meet with reporters.
GRECOROMACOLLUDEN: Senator Grahamcrokercrum, we talked about this. We allowed you to sit in on the interview on the condition that you would allow Mister Leddoutdoggwalker to answer my questions without any interference.
LINDSAY GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: Absolutely. I won’t interrupt again. You won’t even know that I’m here.
GRECOROMACOLLUDEN: Thank you. Now, Mister Leddoutdoggwalker, are you prepared to concede that you lost the run-off election?
LEDDOUTDOGGWALKER: Well, about that, people voted. Lots of people voted. And that’s a good thing because, you know, that’s kind of what our system is based on. A little. Maybe. And it looks like more people voted for the other guy than voted for me, so I guess you could say that I –
GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: Herschel is considering his options. We have already started hearing rumours of election fraud, and reasonable people would agree that a campaign should explore all options to ensure that the election was fair.
GRECOROMACOLLUDEN: Senator Grahamcrokercrum!
GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: My lips are sealed. I’ll be quieter than a church after the pastor has farted.
GRECOROMACOLLUDEN: Hunh. Okay. Mister Leddoutdoggwalker, leaving aside the allegations that, despite being an anti-abortion advocate, you paid to have the pregnancies of girlfriends terminated –
GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: The campaign dealt with those allegations months ago. Can we move on from that old news?
GRECOROMACOLLUDEN: Senator Gra – * SIGH *. As a matter of fact, those allegations weren’t – * SIGH *. Mister Leddoutdoggwalker, just yesterday, one of your former girlfriends alleged that you choked and tried to punch her. How do you respond to that?
LEDDOUTDOGGWALKER: I never knew the woman. And I mean, if I did know her, I didn’t pay for her to have an abortion. Probably. I mean, it’s hard to keep track sometimes, you know? And if I did pay for her abortion, it was only once. Maybe twice. Absolutely no more than three times. And I certainly never attacked her physically. Not that I remember, anyway.
GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: I’m convinced by that denial.
GRECOROMACOLLUDEN: Why are you even here?
GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: Herschel and I have been good friends for a long time.
GRECOROMACOLLUDEN: Since at least the beginning of the run-off campaign.
GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: That is cynical and unworthy of a journalist of your stature.
LEDDOUTDOGGWALKER: A journalist of my stature? Last week, you called me a “maggot who feasted on the reputations of people who were better human beings than he could ever hope to imagine to aspire to be!”
GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: I was talking metaphorically.
GRECOROMACOLLUDEN: * SIGH * Alright. I didn’t want to mention this, but in your public appearances during the campaign, you were always flanked by one or two senior Reduhblicans. White senior Reduhblicans like Senator Grahamcrokercrum. Some black Georgabamans have complained the Reduhblicans picked a highly unqualified black man as their candidate based on the fact that he had once said something nice about former President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, who rewarded him by firing the black man from his TV show. That, in fact, you are a token and an embarrassment. Mister Leddoutdoggwalker, how do you respond to such criticism?
GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: I have never been so insulted in my life! Herschel Leddoutdoggwalker is a fantastic candidate – he will be a magnificent Senator! I don’t have to listen to your garbage – this interview is over!
Grahamcrokercrum storms out, Leddoutdoggwalker sheepishly following.