by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Court Writer
Remember how everybody (by which I mean primarily Reduhblicans) laughed when the Institutes of National Scientific Humbuggery (really – the derisive Reduhblican slogan for them was: “Give us an INSH, and wey’ll take $300 million of government funding) recreated neanderthals from DNA found in amber? What good are they? Neanderthals make terrible social workers: their solution to every problem is to bash something in the head with a rock until it stops moving. They make even worse nannies: they run off to the nearest forest to hunt and gather for weeks at a time, leaving children to fend for themselves. And, don’t get me started on how bad they are as auto mechanics!
Well. The Reduhblicans have apparently found a use for neanderthals: they’ve just nominated one to sit on the Extreme Court.
His name is Thag. He looks like a beer barrel with limbs. He is about five feet tall, has no chin to speak of, a sloping forehead and a huge nose that dominates his face. Really, it’s quite fascist, that nose – you expect at any moment that it will rally his lips, cheeks, ears and other facial features for an invasion of his neck.
The first day of his Senate confirmation hearings took place yesterday. It was very revealing, and not only because his pinstriped loincloth kept falling off.
When asked if he would allow gay bakers to refuse to sell cakes to straight white couples, Thag replied, “Thag am strict constructionist.” When asked what he meant by that, the candidate seemed to get confused and said, “Thag…Thag am struck constrictionist. Strict destructionist! Thag…Thag…Thag…” As he jumped up on the desk making strange “Ooh ooh oohing” sounds and beating his hairy chest with his fists, Senate Judiciary Committee Chair Chuck Gasleygrassteahee said, “I think what candidate Thag meant is that he believes that the only rights that should be granted to citizens are directly stated in the Constitution.”
After he calmed down, the candidate stated, “Yeah, that what Thag mean. That totally what Thag mean.”
Later in the hearing, Thag was asked whether, if an abortion case came before him, he would be comfortable overturning Roeliodingdong v. Watuhfouriday. The candidate bared his teeth, which may have been a neanderthal grin although it certainly appeared to be a lot more threatening, and responded, “Thag not deal with hypotheticals.”
Thag was nominated for the seat vacated by Justice Anthony Dedkennediesrock. And, when I say “vacated,” I really mean one day Dedkennediesrock went into the Grey House all bright and chipper and brimming with the potential of life (well, as brimming with the potential of life as any 81 year-old can be), and he came out an hour later a hollow-eyed zombie flatly stating, “I. Have. Had. Enough. I. Must. Retire. From. Extreme. Court. Must. Retire. Must. Retire. So. Tired. Must…”
“To be fair,” commented token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, “an hour in the Grey House would be enough to turn Gandheeisdandi into a hollow-eyed zombie with flat inflection!”
Dumboprats have made noises that they will block the nomination. Strange, quiet, gurgling noises, but they clearly meant…okay, it’s hard to know what strange, gurgling noises mean. Other than, “I have an obstructed windpipe – for Gord’s sake do something!” But, being in the minority, what can they realistically do?
Plenty. They can gnash their teeth. They can beat their breasts. If they are really incensed, they can rend their garments. Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich especially enjoys the rending of garments; he has a page bring him popcorn and a television remote control (without the batteries so its signal doesn’t interfere with anybody’s pacemaker) and pretends he’s watching the spectacle in the comfort of his own livingroom.
Or, the Dumboprats could point out that the last time President Bushbamclintreagbush had an open seat on the Extreme Court to fill, Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich stuck his fingers in his ears and said, “Naah naah naah – I can’t hear you, Mister lame duck President – you have no authority to nominate anybody to anything ever again – naah naah!” For almost an entire year! (Be thankful you weren’t married to him – his pillow talk must have been deadly!) Mid-term elections are only four months away – the Dumboprats could demand that Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich maintain the same standard he set then by putting his fingers in his ears and taunting the President.
“Yeah, I see two problems with that scenario,” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam stated. “The first is that Mitch Wichconnelliswich is about as consistent as the population of Utabama’s responses to a Roschach test. Yes, it does make sense. Think about it. He’s a weasel who does whatever is most politically expedient in the moment, with no thought of the past. Really. He’s like the guy from Memento, only turtlier.”
And, the second problem? “Dumboprats, being who they are…”
I waited for token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam to finish the thought. Twenty minutes later, seven minutes after I had run out of tape, I realized that token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam had finished the thought. In future, please imagine a period in place of the ellipse at the end of the last sentence…