Thank you, Wesson Wigfall, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, while we appreciate how consequential American politics can seem, we were wondering if you maybe wanted a little news about Canadian politics because, you know, there’s a federal election going on, and some people think it’s kind of a big deal.
No, no, don’t let your eyes glaze over! Protesters are throwing gravel at Liberal leader Justin Trudeau at his campaign rallies! We know there is a long tradition of dishing dirt at your opponent during elections, but we always thought that was just a metaphor! Meanwhile, Conservative leader Erin O’Toole is making pronouncements in the media that contradict his party’s platform; will he ever be called on his Dr. Jekyll and Mister Run and Hyde personality? And, what about New Democratic Party leader Jagmeet Singh? He’s so…nice. What the hell is he doing in politics? And, we’re pretty sure that the Green Party has a leader, although we can’t recall her name at the moment…or what she stands for…or even if she is a she…
Okay. We see your point. Still, couldn’t you at least pretend to have an interest in Canadian politics? Our leaders are trying so hard to get your attention…
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Telecom Companies Heading Into Baby’s Breath Force Winds
Threatening to bring the full force of the law down on any telecommunications company that complies with the Congressional 1/6 committee’s request to preserve records of messages between Republicans didn’t seem to have the effect House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy wanted. The companies shrugged and said, “Oh, that’s just Kevin being Kevin. Now that he’s vented, the adults in the room can turn our attention to more pressing concerns…”
Clearly, another tactic was called for.
Now, senior Republicans are saying that if the committee subpoenas the phone records that they have asked be preserved, the Republicans will subpoena the phone records of senior Democrats the next time they are in power.
“He’s about three and half years behind the times,” said Adam Schiff, who was one of several Democrats whose phone records were handed over to the Trump administration in 2018 on the pretext of an investigation into White House leaks. “If McCarthy is serious about being the next Speaker of the House, he really needs to work on the selectiveness of his memory!”
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2021Sep08.html]
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Fortunately, The Respective Studios Will Never Let A Crossover Of Those Franchises Happen
Apple and Microsoft will open training academies in Saudi Arabia. This will help the oil (and blood) drenched kingdom position itself as a Middle East hub for technology and innovation.
“It…it’s like evil empires hooking up for a night of – I shudder to think what!” marvelled tech journalist Kevin Kelly. “It’s like Darth Vader, Freddy Krueger and the xenomorph from the Alien movies had a menage a trois. I dread seeing what the children of that tryst look like!”
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/210907/geeklynews/01kaijucagematch.htm]
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Who Knows What Evil Lurks In The Hearts Of Republicans?
The Shadow Docket Knows!
COUNTDOWN TO DICTATORSHIP: 10) What is a shadow docket?
a) what your file folder casts on a sunny day
b) a creature turned to the dark side by Team Go Rocket in the game Pokemon Go
c) a quieter, gutlessier way for the Supreme Court to kill Roe v. Wade
9) How is the Supreme Court’s shadow docket different from the Star Chamber?
a) it has fewer sharp edges, so it uses blunt force trauma more often in its attacks on the rule of law
b) it’s American, so when it hands down secret rulings, it does so in the name of freedom and justice
c) is this a trick question? I feel like this is a trick question…
8) Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote a blistering attack on the majority’s decision to use the shadow docket to let Texas’ draconian anti-abortion law go unchallenged. How likely is this to deter the extremist right wing justices on the Supreme Court from using it again?
a) highly likely: they will respect Justice Sotomayor’s argument right up to the next point where they have to make a publicly unpopular ruling, at which point they’ll drop it faster than an aardvark holding a gold ingot just out of the furnace
b) somewhat likely: Justice Coney Barrett will compliment her on her hair and Justice Kavanaugh will ask her if she wants to go out for a drink later
c) highly likely: that they will laugh at Justice Sotomayor behind her back and call her “a naive ninny” in their personal diaries
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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It’s Hard To Play Chess When You’re Playing Drums, But Sometimes You Can Use That To Your Advantage
Ron Bushy, long-time drummer for Iron Butterfly, has died at the age of 79. Death had actually planned to claim him at the age of 76, but he kept begging for one more minute to continue performing a solo.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Governor Argues That Because There Is A .00327 Chance A Woman Can Get An Abortion In Texas, It Is Still Available
Statisticians Weep
Texas Governor Greg Abbott has vowed to eliminate rape from his state. When he has successfully completed that trifle, he will move on to convincing every gun owner in the state not to use their weapons to kill anybody. Easy peasy. Once that happens, he will convince CO2 in the atmosphere to stop blocking the sun’s rays, solving the problem of global climate change.
Governor Abbott is ambitious. Or, he is deplorable. It’s not that the line between the two is fine; in fact, it is big and red and is clearly marked on the land, not just on maps. The fact is that which side of the line he falls on depends upon which side of the line the observer falls on (perversely, people tend to place him on the opposite side to themselves).
Making the challenge the teensiest bit more challenging is the fact that Texas had the most rapes of any state in the country. But, it wouldn’t be worth doing if it was easy, right?
Peasy. Right.
This vow was taken in response to criticism that Texas’ anti-abortion law has no exception for victims of rape or incest. Texas Republicans really know how to put the drastic back in draconian. Or, is it Dracula?
In the basket of deplorables, there are phantom fine lines wherever you turn.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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