Thank you, Uthappa Peller, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Uhh, yeah. We sort of, kind of knew that Arthur Carlson was the manager of an obscure radio station called WKRP based in Akron or Jamestown or some place like that. It’s just that, well, we were having a bad day when we sent out his Daily Me with a bitchy opening paragraph and we contrarily didn’t want to acknowledge the fact and you didn’t receive it so why the hell are we justifying ourselves to you?
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
I Hear The M&A Hootenanny Will Be A Hoot
Former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney said that former Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau wasn’t morally fit as a leader because of his failure to support the war against Nazi Germany when he was young. Apparently, attacking people who are no longer able to defend themselves BECAUSE THEY’RE DEAD is a sure sign of moral fitness to lead.
We could say more on this issue, but thanks to Mulroney’s free trade agreements, Mothercorp has been privatized and sold off to Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation. Be sure to tune in next week for our new format, which will be called Stephen Harper’s Free Market Jamboree.
SOURCE: Stephen Harper’s Free Market Jamboree (formerly This 22 Minutes Feels Like an Hour)
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/freemarketjamboree/]
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He Does Have A Charismatic Television Presence – You Have To Give Him That
A new tape purporting to be of Osama bin Laden was released yesterday. In it, he once again talks about the folly of the American invasion of Iraq, demanding a complete and immediate withdrawal of troops from that war-torn country. In addition, he excoriates the American corporations that, bin Laden claims, kept the country out of the Kyoto Accord on greenhouse gas emissions.
Democrats immediately pounced on the tape. “While we agree with bin Laden’s analysis of the disaster that is the Iraq war,” Senator Hillary Clinton responded, “I do not believe that the interests of the United States or the Iraqi people would be served by an immediate troop withdrawal.”
Meanwhile, senior officials within the Barack Obama campaign insisted that they would fight any attempt to include bin Laden in any future Democratic Presidential debates. “Sure, bin Laden’s critique of American corporate capitalism is sharper than any of the candidates so far,” one anonymous insider commented, “but he was responsible for the deaths of thousands of Americans. That would definitely hurt him in the polls.”
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/110699980026010.xml]
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I Aspire To Respire Without My Inhaler
Countries at the APEC (Asia-Pacific Economic Cooptation) summit have decided not to develop hard targets for global cuts to greenhouse gases. Instead, their targets are “aspirational.”
Well, shit. I “aspire” to be a 25 year-old rock star with a full head of hair and groupies following me from city to city as I tour the world. How likely do you think that is?
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/66.htm]
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You’ve Obviously Never Been To An Evening Of Student Film Screenings
“Oddly enough, over the years I’ve never felt that I have influenced anyone. I don’t mean that to sound like false modesty, but I could always feel the influence of my contemporaries – Martin Scorsese, Francis Ford Coppola, Robert Altman, Steven Spielberg – but I have never seen my influence on anyone.”
– Woody Allen, interviewed at the Toronto International Film Festival
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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And, You Wonder Why Harper Won’t Let His Ministers Out In Public?
Canada has made it clear to its NATO allies that they cannot count on our troops to fight on the deadly battlefields of southern Afghanistan after February 2009, Defence Minister Peter MacKay said. Prime Minister Stephen Harper says he will delay a vote on extending the Afghanistan mission until he is sure that Parliament will agree to keep Canadian troops in the war-torn country past February, 2009.
“The signal that has been sent already is that our current configuration will end in February, 2009…[but] I don’t see a necessity of rushing a vote, unless we’re able to have a situation where a vote would be successful, where there would be some agreement among at least some of the opposition parties that would carry the day and would give a mandate to our armed forces,” MacHarp explained.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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When Scorsese Wears It, You Know It Will Be The Start Of A Fashion Trend Among Directors
“David Cronenberg. Paging David Cronenberg! David Lynch wants his hair back!”
– overheard at the Toronto International Film Festival
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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I Know There’s A Fat Lady Singing Joke In Here Somewhere…There’s Just Got To Be!
“Pavarotti’s health reportedly failing”
– headline on a small article in the Globe and Mail
“Beloved tenor, Pavarotti, dead at 71”
– headline over a much larger article right next to the small article in the Globe and Mail
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1366527038]
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Hooterful? Hooterliscious? Hoo – No, This Has Already Gotten Out Of Control – No Way I’m Going There!
Have you noticed that Hooters girls are less…hootered? Hooterific? Hooterawesome? There has been a definite reduction in their…natural endowments. Why?
I blame free trade.
It’s called “harmonization.” Sounds innocent enough, right? But, what it means is that our full-chested Hooters girls are being traded to Mexico, and their less-endowed girls are coming up here.
Oppose NAFTA! Hands off our Hooters girls! (Unless they’re our hands!)
SOURCE: Mike’s Ultimate Conspiracy Page
[http://www.ignoremeatyourperil.com/conspiracy2323.html]
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It’s Fifteenth Down And 87 Yards To Go, And Still They Won’t Punt!
“We are, in short, a long way from the goal line, but we do have the ball and we are driving down the field.”
– General David Petraeus on America’s war in Iraq
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Dumb For The Whole Family
9pm. CBC. Last Comic Standing – Western Edition. This season, the judges will be issued pistols (rumour is that Joe Flaherty flashes a handsome Ruger). Instead of arguing over the quality of the performances of the comics, they’ll just shoot the ones they don’t like. It could be a short season, but at least the title of the series makes sense now.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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