Thank you, Twisted Panties and Clutched Pearls Disposal, Inc., for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we read about Safe Haven Baby Boxes, places built into the walls of institutions where parents who did not want their children could deposit their newborns for adoption. No unnecessary paperwork. No chance that the children will ever grow up and want to find their birth parents in a TV movie of the week. We imagine that they’re like the drop boxes in banks, but with far more kicking and screaming. Well…somewhat more kicking and screaming in any case.
And we thought: Wait a minute! Wait just a holy woman-hating moment! If we could enlarge the chute for book returns at libraries, we could turn them all into baby boxes! Given how many books some states ban, they really won’t need the chutes! And that’s not even taking into consideration the localities that are closing libraries rather than obeying court orders to reinstate banned books – they could be repurposed as adoption centres! Two problems – one solution!
No need to thank us. Immersed, as we are, in the news every day, we frequently come up with solutions to the world’s problems. Ask us some time about our plan to solve the global climate change crisis using Jewish space lasers!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
To Be Fair, He’s A Mediocre Dancer
Speaker Kevin McCarthy managed to pass a bill in the House, which would be a cause for congratulations (given how much his conference hates him), except it will drastically cut veterans’ benefits, food stamps and other much needed programs in exchange for raising the debt ceiling. McCarthy has argued that the situation is like needing to take away a credit card from a child who has consistently spent over the limit.
Yeah. No. What it’s actually like is telling your child that if it doesn’t cut its phone use to an hour a day, eat macaroni and cheese for every meal at least three days a week and give you its bed and sleep on the floor, you will not pay off the credit card balance that has already been accumulated, a balance that you had approved, plunging the family into a financial crisis.
The man doesn’t even do analogies well!
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1154743330263878.xml]
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Playing The Seduction Scene From The Graduate For The Jury Was A Little Over The Top
In his cross-examination of E. Jean Carroll in the Donald Trump defamation lawsuit, defence attorney Joe Tackypenis hit all the usual anti-woman stereotypes:
Carroll bantered playfully with Trump before the incident (she was asking for it)
Carroll didn’t scream when she was sexually assaulted (she wanted it)
Carroll kept the dress she was wearing when she was sexually assaulted (as a souvenir, because she really wanted it)
Carroll didn’t go to the police after she was sexually assaulted (because she really, truly wanted it)
When Tackypenis appeared ready to start singing “Time Warp” from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, District Judge Lewis Kaplan angrily told him that it was “inappropriate, inadmissible and, under the circumstances, extremely tacky.” At least rape victims have made some small progress since the 1950s.
SOURCE: Womyn’s e-Vents
[http://www.womynsevents.fem/article.cfm/dyn/aid/1234]
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The Devil Is In The Details…Somewhere…If You Work Hard To Find Him…
You know, people have been demonizing their opponents since forever, but they didn’t mean it literally.
Until now.
It would appear that Pastor Stuart Long, who was speaking about opponents of an Ohio bill that would ban transgender minors from having access to hormone therapies and surgeries, said that their bodies had been taken over by demons. Either that, or he was reviewing the film The Pope’s Exorcist – there were a lot of words in his speech, and it wasn’t always obvious what they meant.
When he was asked about people of other faiths – there are Jews and Muslims in Ohio…aren’t there? – Pastor Long danced around the issue in a way that made Rudy Giuliani seem light on his feet. You can feel his relief when he finally gets to say yeah, of course they’re demons, but don’t blame me for the judgment: the God made me do it.
Reading the room, Pastor Long ended by saying that he wasn’t calling people demons; he was just saying they were possessed by demons. My demon was offended that he didn’t think it had enough power to take me over completely; it is considering suing him for defamation. Such a suit wouldn’t last two seconds in a real court of law, but in the Basket of Deplorables, justice is a…flexible concept…
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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He’s Bringing His Family Coat Of Arms, Which, Translated From The Latin, Reads: “Never Use A $5 When A $10 Can Proto-obscuranticize!”
Conrad Black has become a Canadian citizen once again. “For too long, I have been criticizing Canada from outside the country,” he commented. “It’s good to be back! By which, of course, I mean it’s horrible to be surrounded by mediocrity, mendacity and mental midgetry – I couldn’t be happier!”
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0oy0veyo-y6v6-4ey8-oy9v-07e657yo48yv]
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“If I Had Known It Would Be This Easy,” Ranking Democratic Committee Member Jerrold Nadler Stated, “I Would Have Subpoenaed Him From Day One!”
House Judiciary Committee Chair Jim Jordan held a hearing on subpoena compliance. Unfortunately, the Republican Representative was subpoenaed to testify before the committee and refused to show up, so the hearing quickly descended into order.
SOURCE: The Hill You Die On
[https://thehillyoudieon.com/homenews/administration/448840-what-if-they-held-a-hearing-and-no-one-showed-up]
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Shut Your Mouth!
But We’re Talking About Tucker!
Then…No, We Still Don’t Dig It – Seriously, Shut Your Mouth!
Tucker Carlson, he’s our man
If he can’t confuse the masses, nobody can!
Whether it’s promoting phony culture wars
About woke candies flooding American stores
Challenging the hetero-normativity he so adores
Or stoking white Americans’ fears
Of unqualified immigrants stealing their careers
Leaving them to cry poverty’s tears
Gooooooo Muslim ban!
Tucker, Tucker
Is a mean motherfucker
We could feel it in our joints
The joy with which he repeated our talking points
As our representatives with sanctity he anoints
His time at Fox may now be spent
But he will always be our favourite chaos agent
Because of his every last outrage he will never repent
And will forever live on in the hearts of every listening chicken farmer and trucker
SOURCE: Demi-TASS
[http://en.demi-tass.com/russia/744358]
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