Thank you, The Turtle and The Dove, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, it seemed that outrage was all the rage in the world. Well, we have our complaints, too, you know. We’re outraged that big pouffy hair seems to be making a comeback. Why would so many women be so eager to look like the bride of Frankenstein? We’re outraged that regularly sized packages of M&Ms contain only three candies. We’re old enough to remember the same-sized package containing enough Ms to make a young kid who tried to eat them all sick; now, eating a full package can make you nostalgic for a time (all of thirty seconds ago) when you could taste them! We’re outraged that nobody is outraged that we have discriminated against them just because we have never discriminated against anybody! It’s amazing how small folks’ minds can be! Use your imaginations people!
Phew – all this outrage can really take a lot out of a person! We’re going to go have a little lie down now and see if we can work up a good outrage at whoever thought being outraged should be cool!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Ever Again!
2 sad) What is the definition of a genocide?
a) according to the United Nations: a crime committed with the intent to destroy a national, ethnic, racial or religious group, in whole or in part
b) according to Palestinians: the murder of tens of thousands of mostly civilians and forcing over a million people out of their homes
c) according to Israelis: not what we’re doing in Gaza, nope, definitely not, don’t know what could possibly make you think that it was you anti-Semitic bastard!
22 sad) Are you certain that what the state of Israel is doing in Gaza is not genocide?
a) yes
b) no
c) I’m not sure I should answer this, because anybody who chooses c) always seems to end up being accused of – you anti-Semitic bastard! – and there it is…
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Dear [PUBLICATION],
So, You’re Okay With Me Using A Pseudonym, Then?
Sincerely,
[WRITER]
Dear [WRITER],
Thank you for submitting “Da Stench of Da Feet.” It occurs to us that we have not been sufficiently derogatory in our rejection of your submissions, as you appear to have no compunction about continuing to make them.
We have blocked all permutations of your name on all social media, both current and future. We are no longer sending our newsletter to anybody who has your initials. You may notice that we are returning ashes to you: our new policy is to burn any manuscript that appears to contain a pun. If you go to our submissions page, you will see that the sentence which ordinarily reads “We look forward to reading your story,” now includes the phrase, “except if it comes from” and your name.
Please do not submit to us again, in this or any other universe. Our wrath will be biblical.
Sincerely,
The staff, their families, their future descendants, the readers of, the potential readers of, and all readers in general,
[PUBLICATION]
SOURCE: Writer’s Undigestible
[https://www.writersundigestible.com/writing/rejection-is-always-hard-but-this-237]
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We’re Not Gonna Kid You: He Wet Himself A Little When He First Heard What Happened
Opposition leader Pierre Poilievre was so excited by the news of an attack on a Canadian border crossing that he jumped up in Question Period so quickly you would be forgiven if you thought somebody had lit a firecracker under his ass. (You might have thought that one of the firecrackers that go off in his brain had drifted down his body, but that would just be fanciful.)
The people in the car could have been terrorists. They could have been Italian terrorists. Wealthy Italian terrorists. Wealthy Italian terrorists from Grand Island. Sure, they were wealthy Italian terrorists from Grand Island, striking a blow for the poor oppressed…err…rich oppressed masses…err…minority.
They were clearly not the Muslim threat Poilievre seemed so excited to welcome.
When the news broke that the couple in the car were not Muslim terrorists, just another sad white couple on a bender (about five minutes after the crash), Poilievre magnanimously blamed CTV for misinforming him. As it happened, the CTV report appeared a quarter of an hour after he asked his question, which suggests that either he was relying on Fox for his information, or he has access to a TARDIS. Because who hasn’t wanted to follow the adventures of a time-travelling Prime Minister?
You might think that Poilievre should have waited rather than grabbed for a chance to embarrass the Liberal government without getting his facts straight, but it’s probably just a firecracker going off in your brain.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Or Franz Kafka?
Police executed a dozen search warrants early Wednesday morning. Really early. Like four am early. When asked why police don’t execute search warrants at reasonable hours (you know, like when the sun is shining), one criminal defence lawyer explained that early in the morning police are likely to find suspects asleep and unarmed.
The warrants were for people who put posters up on an Indigo bookstore accusing CEO Heather Reisman of complicity in Israeli war crimes. How did the police think the suspects would be armed? Were they worried that the suspects would attack them with paint brushes covered in glue?
Where is Arlo Guthrie when you need him?
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=418072]
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Rinse With Blood, Whitewash And Repeat
The evolution of a war crime:
1. another hospital in Gaza was bombed
2. no, the Israeli government argued, the hospital wasn’t bombed
3. okay, the Israeli government admitted, the hospital was bombed, but it was blown up by a stray Palestinian rocket
4. okay, the Israeli government backtracked, the bomb that fell on the hospital wasn’t a stray Palestinian rocket, it was dropped by an Israeli drone, but it was carefully targeting terrorists in the hospital
5. okay, the Israeli government acknowledged, the Israeli drone didn’t carefully target terrorists in the hospital, but they were using it as a command and control centre
6. okay, the Israeli government allowed, the few weapons we did find at the hospital were not enough for a command and control centre, and the tunnel underneath the hospital was used primarily to smuggle Israeli popcorn into Gaza, but…but…but…holocaust, so shut the fuck up, antisemite!
7. go to step one
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=1074&dir=bb]
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