Thank you, Spanky Luella, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. According to National Post book reviewer Philip Marchand, “‘Tell me a dream, lose a reader’ is an adage well known to writers.” Really? Because, we had never heard it. That could explain why we’re such terrible writres – sorry, writers. Is there a place we can go to find all those adages that are well known to writers who aren’t us? Maybe a Web site or professional journal or other planet? We want to be better rioter – dammit, writers – but we just don’t know enough well known adages!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Not Bad For Four Lads Who Couldn’t Even Spel
Just in time for the 73 3/4 anniversary of the release of one of the Beatle’s albums or another comes the complete retechnologized collection. Forget mono! Forget stereo! With our new system, the music is transmitted directly into your auditory nerve for a richer, fuller, more mind-blowing sound.
“Yeah, some customers’ minds have been blown,” admitted Apple Corpse president Indira McWiki, “but, it’s a very small number, and, anyway, they’ve been put in a home and all of their drooling needs are well looked after.”
By stimulating the auditory – or cochlear – yes, we know how to use Google to make ourselves sound smarter, and we will not hesitate to do it – nerve directly, the new versions of all of the songs in the Beatles catalogue cause listeners to hallucinate. That’s right – these new versions of Beatles classics cause listeners to see things that, strictly speaking, aren’t there. The songs combine with the contents of each listener’s memory and imagination to create a unique visual as well as auditory experience.
“Hence the whole mind blowing thing,” McWiki explained. “But, really, who is to say that that very, very small number of affected listeners aren’t happier…wherever their minds happen to be?”
Is this just another example of Apple Corpse mining the continuing popularity of the Beatles to grab more cash from their fans? Absolutely! But it’s one glorious bastard of another example of Apple Corpse mining the continuing popularity of the Beatles to grab more cash from their fans!
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32325641694642774687fx]
She Always Was A Groundbreaker
Elsie Poncher, who owns the crypt in a Los Angeles cemetery directly above that of Marilyn Monroe, is trying to sell it on eBay. What can we learn from this? Even though she’s been dead for decades, Marilyn Monroe still has it, baby!
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2009/2009/08/23/justacryptinthewind/]
Man Of Steele, Medicare Of Kleenex
MICHAEL STEELE: We all know how great Medicare is. The Republican Party is committed to keeping it exactly like it is. Except for eliminating inefficiencies. We’re considering small changes, really – nothing to worry your pretty little head over. Otherwise, we love Medicare! Hell, we’ll take it out to a ballgame – that’s how highly we think of it. And, we won’t try to feel Medicare up until after we’ve taken it home to meet our families – that’s how much we respect Medicare. And, when we kiss Medicare? No tongue. Because that’s what the American people want, and the Republican Party is here to serve your needs.
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/steeleyourself.shtml]
Thin Harvest For Film Fans
Neil Young will not, as reported, be in Toronto for a free event during the Toronto International Film Festival. Apparently, he was not told that he was scheduled to appear. But, even if he was, he has other obligations that day: his cat is going through an especially painful round of chemotherapy, and he wants to be there for her. And, if she is sedated an unaware of his presence, he has to meet with his accountant that day to discuss questionable tax deductions for headbands. And, even if that meeting is short, he is committed to signing autographs at a charity euchre tournament. He does it every year. Who are you to question this Canadian rock icon?
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
The Economy’s Fallen Down And Can’t Get Up!
“HEAVY EQUIPMENT
Finning revenues fall 24 per cent; profit down”
– Globe and Mail
TRANSCONTINENTAL
“Profit falls 15 per cent”
– Toronto Star
“FOOD
Nestle profit falls 2.8%; bottled water squeezed”
– Globe and Mail
“INSURANCE
Intact Financial profit falls on investments”
– Globe and Mail
“DEPARTMENT STORES
Macy’s profit falls; company raises outlook”
– Globe and Mail
“AIRLINES
Qantas to slash costs as profit plummets”
– Globe and Mail
“BRITISH AIRWAYS
Carrier’s revenues in nosedive”
– Toronto Star
“TOYS
Toy maker Mega Brands posts widened losses”
– Globe and Mail
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=135153639]
He Drives Mean Streets, But He Is Not A Mean Man
Coverage of former Ontario Attorney-General Michael Bryant’s fatal run-in with a bicycle courier includes:
Bryant fate in hands of ‘lawyer’s lawyer’
Low-profile counsel once got Beelzebub acquitted of traffic violations (A5)
Can the man who used to hire judges be given a fair trial? Province considering asking Mars to send impartial jurist (A6)
Darcy Allan Sheppard an alcoholic drug abuser who can’t even afford his own PR firm (A8)
Maintenance: four prominent Canadian car repairmen discuss how to get bicycle courier out of your windshield (A8)
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20090902.eladvote0902_@/BNStory/newsCatastrophe2009/]
Aardvarks Contaminant? Antigone Cannelloni? No – Don’t Tell Me – I’m Keen To Guess – Alimentary Crufter?
Dear Doctor Barnard:
I have this…problem. I like to sleep on my side. That isn’t the problem – it’s a preference. If I have just eaten, I can fall asleep on my right side without any difficulty. That isn’t the problem – it’s preliminary exposition necessary to understand the problem. When I try to fall asleep on my left side after eating, however, my stomache makes strange yowlping noises. Sometimes, they are a quick yowlp. Other times, they’re a long yooooooooooooooooooowlp. Mostly, it just affects me, my wife and our 16 children; however, one time, it did wake up people on several floors of our condo. What should I do?
Dear Patient:
You appear to have what we in the med biz refer to as an AC. No, it’s not an acute case of Air Conditioning, as amusing as that would be. It’s actually an Anomalous Condition. What this means is that your symptoms do not conform to any known or imagined disease. Fortunately, your AC appears to have a simple cure: always sleep on your right side.
Doctor Barnard is not related to Christian Barnard, even if he does use the world renowned heart surgeon in his advertising.
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49862-2009Sep02.html]