Thank you, Slater Kinsey, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we got a nasty rash from an activity that is better left to your imagination. We weren’t really comforta – oh, that’s disgusting! Maybe we shouldn’t have left it to your imagination. We…we’re going to the bathroom to throw up. We hope you’re satisfied with yourself, you sick bastard.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Hussein? Who Knows?
According to an article in GQ, the New Hitler loves Doritos, hates Froot Loops, admires President Reagan, thinks Clinton was “OK” and considers both Presidents Bush “no good.” The New Hitler, a cleanliness freak who washes several times a day, is also something of an Ann Landers, offering romantic advice to his jailers.
Somewhere in Hell, the Original Hitler shakes his head sadly, wondering where he went wrong.
SOURCE: LotsMusic
http://www.lotsmusic.com/news/?thedate=6/25/2005#17
When You Care Enough To Do Your Worst
The world’s advanced nations have agreed to a historical…err, agreement to forgive as much as $40 billion of the debt of poor nations. Less well known is the fact that this debt forgiveness comes with strings: the poor nations will have to agree to structural adjustment programmes that will open their economies to goods from developed nations and force them to slash social programmes.
This is like taking your foot off a person’s throat and putting it squarely on their chest. Whether it’s a step in the right direction depends, I suppose, on which end of the boot you happen to be on.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=270&dir=bb
In This Case, The Sword Is Mightier
Fill in the grid so that every row (nine cells wide), every column (nine cells tall) and every box (three cells by three cells) contains squares in any order that add up to squares. Make sure references to Fibonacci’s Sequence and Etlinger’s Constant appear in at least five squares. There is no solution for each puzzle. Work on it until you lose all patience, then commit ritual suicide.
SOURCE: Crappocom
Who Do You Love?
Liberal tactics disturb CEOs
Martin still breathing, group says
Urgent for Canada to do as we say
– Glob and Maul
CEO tactics disturb Liberals
Misleading polls not helpful, caucus says
Don’t listen to what they say
– Women’s Wear Daily Worker
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=015
Jailhouse Shocks
The jailhouse letters of Karla Homolka reveal far more than, perhaps, she realized. We asked a handwriting expert to analyze her script to determine how it reflected her character. These are some of his findings:
Loops: Os that are cut in half by loops indicate hidden resentments that will explode in violence.
Saucer-shaped T-bars: These strokes indicate deeply rooted paranoia which suggests that such violence will be directed against a wide variety of people.
Circles over Is: Not as precious as hearts, but still pretty darn cute.
Obscure Strokes: Ss where the top half is thin to nonexistent, making the letter difficult to read, indicate deep passions and a desire to obliterate problems. Or, it could just be that she was in a hurry.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
Nine Out Of 10 Directors Would Rather Be Thought Of As Stupid Than Criminal, And The Tenth Is Stupid
The Nortel director hooks his thumbs into his Armani overalls and kicks lazily at something on the plush carpet in front of him. “Well, shucks,” he drawls, “I’m just a simple businessman. I don’t know nothing about no accounting irregularities.” Meanwhile, investors who have seen their stock prices plummet from $124.50 to $3.30 wonder if maybe they can’t put the whole Board on a raft and send them…
The National Whipping Post. A bitter read.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
Scientology Has All The Answers – Just Don’t Ask Too Many Questions
Monday Declare love for Katie Holmes.
Tuesday Declare love for Katie Holmes louder, with bigger physical gestures.
Wednesday Attack pregnant women for needing drugs to help get them through post-partum depression.
Thursday Attack anybody who needs drugs for any reason. Claim you have read studies that show that that all drugs are useless in all situations.
Friday Propose marriage to Katie Holmes.
Saturday Attack anybody who doesn’t believe that aliens exist in the universe.
Sunday Rest.
Acting sure is a demanding profession. Just ask Tom Cruise.
SOURCE: Teen Persons
http://www.teenpersonsmag.com/starstuff/watchthisface/tomcruise.shtml
Privacy Is Overrated
Like a coward confronted with danger who voids his bowels, after 9/11 the RCMP panicked and dumped all of its data into the hands of American intelligence. What does this mean for the average Canadian?
* Joe Severeid, you should probably tell your father that you’ve been using his credit card for several months to access the Girls Gone Wilderness Web site. He hasn’t noticed the charge on his monthly bill, but he won’t be able to ignore it when an FBI agent knocks on your front door.
* Angel Charkouill, if you haven’t already, you should probably tell your wife that you’ve been buying rounds at gay bars all over town. You could have avoided this by paying in cash, but the possibility of getting caught is one of the thrills, isn’t it?
* Martine Mammoulian, if your husband finds out how much you spent on that vibrator last month, he might begin to wonder if you’ve been faking it in bed. Anonymous CIA agents sure would like to know.
In fact, anybody who has a guilty secret that they’ve paid for with a debit or credit card should probably fess up. Who knows? This could have the positive effect of making the Canadian people one of the most honest in the world.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
On A Roll…With Or Without His Head
Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin lectured international leaders for making impractical pledges of international aid. “The problem is that too many leaders have committed to things that are a decade away knowing that they may not be around when the time comes to fulfill that commitment,” Martin stated.
Meanwhile, in the shadows in the background, senior Liberal Party advisers were jumping up and down and gesticulating wildly. It was impossible to hear what they were saying, but lip readers have suggested that they were saying things like, “Shut up, Paul! For goodness’ sake, stop talking!” and “You’re giving away our governing principles!”
Meanwhile, Bob Geldof still doesn’t want to play with the Prime Minister.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle