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I Know You’re Going Through Hockey Withdrawal, But This Is Ridiculous
“Why wouldn’t the Jays want affordable housing for the elderly to be built near the SkyDome, Tom?”
“Well, Jerry, it would be a health risk, wouldn’t it?”
“A health risk? How do you figure?”
“Well, if there was…if there was a terrorist attack -“
“On the SkyDome?”
“If there was a terrorist attack on the SkyDome, all those poor folks would be incinerated.”
“Better that a bunch of young folks are incinerated?”
“It’s not just that. I mean, think about it: the first time a home run hit the window of the old people’s home, half of them would die of fright.”
“I…I don’t know about that…”
“Okay. It’s a marketing thing, isn’t it?”
“A marketing thing?”
“Sure. The Jays want a younger fan base, right? And, the last thing a kid taking in a ball game wants to see is a couple of wrinkled old people making love in the facility next door.”
“How are they going to see that?”
“Have you seen today’s binoculars? The army should have equipment that good!”
“Maybe they’d be winning the war in Iraq if they did.”
“Exactly.”
“…We, uhh, seem to have gotten a little off topic, there…”
“Everything’s off topic when the home team is getting hammered 13 to 3, Tom.”
“I guess Bob the Builder Day wasn’t a well thought out promotion, Gerry…”
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
Do People With Split Personalities Have To File Two Tax Returns?
In response to a question about the future of social security, President George W. Bush said that, “the temptation is going to be…to get me to negotiate with myself in public. I’m not going to do that.” And, rightly so. There is no evidence that, in his time in the Oval Office, Bush has ever negotiated anything with anybody – no reason to start now.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
Garth Drabinsky’s Next Project: The Gospel of Saint Sid
Police in Rome have used up-to-date technology on the Shroud of Turin to come up with an image of Christ as a 12 year-old. The image looks suspiciously like comedian Imogene Coca. “We were a little surprised,” Inspector Salvatore Crettino commented. “We were expecting the young Christ to be more like a…you know…boy. Still, you can’t argue with technology.”
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
The Just Society Has Become Just Some Society
Full Employment has been given a pink slip.
Privacy is on 24-hour suicide watch.
Freedom of expression has become obs.
Universal health care is on life support.
The cord has been cut on the social safety net.
Progressive taxation is being laid out flat.
It’s a great time to be rich.
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
Americans reading less literature. Especially young people. Internet taking up leisure time. Want information fast. Have no time 4 novels or non-fiction books. “Bad thing,” says Sven Birkerts. “Thinking changes.”
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
Live From The Baghdad Hilton (One Night Only)
Top nine reasons to get me the heck out of Iraq:
9. I’ve become allergic to dodging bullets.
8. I’m worried my Stateside porn collection is cheating on me.
7. Blood is hard to get out of a uniform with just spit and rubbing.
6. I have a message for Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, and I’d like to deliver it to him anally.
5. I want to exercise my right to follow the American dream and get my own reality TV series.
4. You know, I’m finding it hard to put into words, but I get the definite sense that we’re not wanted here.
3. Three words: overdue library book.
2. I don’t want to miss another season of Desperate Housewives.
1. This is not the kind of education I signed up for.
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
A massive tidal wave kills tens of thousands of people in several Asian countries, giving newspapers something to fill up their pages with at the end of the year other than top ten lists. “Thank god for some hard news,” Glob and Maul editor-in-chief Eduardo Greenspawn comments.
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
We’ve Got Our Priorities Straight 1
Susan Sontag. Smarty-pants.
Darrell “Dimebag” Armstrong. The co-founder and lead guitarist of the influential platinum selling, Grammy nominated heavy metal band Pantera was shot dead as his new band, Damageplan, took the stage. “He was a legend in the metal world,” British music journalist A. Trevor Mortimer commented. “And he was a genuinely nice guy. I mean, for the co-founder and lead guitarist of an influential platinum selling, Grammy nominated heavy metal band. You know.”
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
Why Not A Tax Incentive To Eliminate Plaid From People’s Wardrobes?
A recent letter writer asked why the government couldn’t offer tax incentives for corporations and businesses to encourage more training in the workplace. Brilliant idea. While we’re at it, why not offer tax incentives to people to eat healthier foods so they’ll live longer? Sure. We could give teenagers tax incentives not to talk back to their parents.
Since the federal government has such a large budget surplus, why don’t we give tax incentives for all sorts of things people should be doing anyway?
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
We’ve Got Our Priorities Straight 2
Todd Bertuzzi cut a deal with prosecutors so that he will receive a conditional discharge for his vicious on-ice attack of Steve Moore. He will not be serving any jail time, and he will not end up with a criminal record. It’s a good thing he didn’t hit Moore in the face with a pie before Bertuzzi slammed his head into the ice, or he would have had to serve 30 days in jail.
You gotta love this country.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report