Thank you, Oolong Farlango, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. <-!- Did you have a good time at the company Christmas party, Edwina? --> Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. <-- Oh, absolutely, Ted! I drank far more than I should have and ended up dancing naked on the colour printer. That's not even to mention The Mistletoe Incident! Too bad you had that...hangnail... -
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Terror Has A New Personal Hygiene Product
In a column last week, I wrote about “Anti-terror Tampons – the most freedom a woman can have when that time of the month attacks.” A couple of days later, I got an angry letter from Proctor and Gamble, producers of the Terror-free Tampon line, claiming that I had infringed on their copyright, violated their patents and otherwise hurt their feelings. I tried to explain that satire is often based on exaggeration and/or absurdity, and that I was actually commenting on the lengths American companies in general will go to profit from the climate of fear the government is fostering in the country.
Well, some lawyers just don’t get pointed humour. As a result, the offending article has been removed from the Web site. Please stop threatening to sue me.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
Fairly Odd Cabinet – Definitely Not For Children
The Bush White House suffered another setback in its quest to build the perfect cabinet when it was revealed that Energy Secretary nominee Timmy Turner was actually a character from a cartoon called Fairly Odd Parents. “This was not an attempt to put somebody in the position who could be controlled by Vice President Dick Cheney,” explained Vice President Dick Cheney. “Over the course of his young life, Timmy has wielded a number of energy-intensive objects – who knows where he got them from. Maybe the Internet. Anyway, he was the ideal nominee – this is partisan politics at its worst.”
Rumour is that President Bush’s next nominee for Energy Secretary will be a stick of peppermint chewing gum. Why peppermint? “Oh, will the Liberal media ever cease its partisan carping?”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[CENSORED FOR REASONS OF NATIONAL STUPIDITY]
This is how the Department of Justice fulfills the public’s right to know that trials in Canadian courts are fair and just:
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
Decisiveness If Necessary, But Not Necessarily Decisiveness
Prime Minister Paul Martin has accused Conservative Party leader Stephen Harper of showing a lack of leadership on the issue of gay marriage. “He should tell Canadians whether he would use the notwithstanding clause of the Constitution to stop same sex marriages from becoming legal,” Martin said, adding: “If the, uhh, Supreme Court says that, like, err, you know, it could be okay.”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
You’d Kind Of Want Them To Spend As Much Time In Their Trailer As Possible
First, the late Sir Lawrence Olivier was digitally resurrected for a part in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. Now, the late Marlon Brando will be digitally inserted into a game based on The Godfather book and movie. Some people may find this ghoulish, but I’m all for using computers in this way. It sure beats the old days when you had to dig up a dead actor to get him to play in a movie!
SOURCE: Computers Byte Magazine
Harry Potter And The Half-baked Imprint
J. K. Rowling has announced that she has finished writing Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince, the sixth book in her series about the young wizard. The book is reportedly 2,378 pages long. The hardcover will retail for $157, the paperback for a mere $87. Environmental groups are calling the publication of the book, “the worst man-made disaster since the creation of the combustion engine;” they estimate that it will reduce the current forest stands by as much as 23.7 per cent. One Greenpeace representative did allow, however, that once you’ve read the book, “it would make excellent insulation.”
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
Don’t Put That In Your Body! You Don’t Know Where It’s Been…Approved…
According to American Surgeon-General Richard Carmona, importing drugs from Canada would be wrong because, among other reasons, they could be bogus, dangerous and unregulated. Ironically, that would still make them safer than real American drugs that have been approved by the FDA.
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
Good To Know At Least One Soldier Goes Into Battle With Heavy Armor Shielding
“He’s a good, decent man. A caring fellow.”
– President George W. Bush about Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld
good (adj.): being positive or desirable in nature; of high quality; worthy of respect
decent (adj.): characterized by conformity to recognized standards or propriety and morality; morally upright
caring (adj.): feeling and exhibiting empathy and concern for others
“On a couple of occasions, I entered interview rooms to find a detainee chained hand and foot in a fetal position to the floor, with no chair, food or water. Most times they had urinated or defecated on themselves and had been left there for 18 to 24 hours or more.”
– FBI agent on conditions in Iraqi prisons run by the Department of Defence
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
Green Day’s American Idiot album has gone triple platinum, meaning it has sold over 300,000 units – roughly one for every 120 Canadians. The usual suspects have moaned that this is more evidence of Canadian knee-jerk anti-Americanism. (The usual suspects always moan – they should get a doctor to look at that; it could be a sign of a throat infection.) They probably would have said the same thing about Buffalo Springfield’s “For What It’s Worth” or Ten Years After’s “I’d Love To Change The World” – if they hadn’t been dancing their asses off at the time.
SOURCE: aye Weakly
The latest test of George W. Bush’s missile defense system was deemed a complete failure when the interceptor missile did not launch. Pentagon psychiatrists were immediately rushed to the scene, and now believe that the interceptor missile was suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder. “You know,” Dr. Oolong Billabong explained, “the nights get longer and there’s more darkness to contend with, and, well, it’s only natural for a component of a missile defense system to want to cocoon in its silo until the spring.”
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian