Thank you, RIP Barrett Strong, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, former British Prime Minister Liz Truss complained that her leadership of the country was doomed because of the death of Paco Robanne. She allowed that the fact that New York Congressman George Santos claimed many purchases of $199.99 on his campaign filing, skirting the law that requires candidates to show their receipts for purchases over $200, may have been a contributing factor to her downfall, but insisted that her policies could have been successful if only Canadians knew what the climate risk score for their homes was.
Then, we realized that we had been spending so much time watching the news that individual items were starting to blur together. A little lie down probably wouldn’t have helped much – we needed to take a longer break from it all. A much longer break. Unfortunately, that was when the Chinese balloon drifting over the United States signed a marine protection plan with 15 First Nations in British Columbia, and we had to read just one more article. Really, just one more…
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Of Course, If The President Had Done What They Say He Should Have Done, The Right Would Have Buried Him In Praise
Of Course It Would Have
Mallory Spaghetts was hit in the head by falling debris when the Chinese balloon was shot down by American planes over Montana. “It left me with a scar in the shape of a three-legged dachshund and a compulsion to play ‘Chopsticks’ on the electric kazoo,” Spaghetts said. “But that’s a small price to pay to keep America’s secrets safe.”
The right wing doesn’t think.
“What the holy heckaroonies was Joe Biden thinking?” Tucker Carlson demanded on Fox News. “Americans could have been killed by the debris! The President should have waited until the balloon was over water and then ordered it to be shot down! Who cares if a few whales are killed? This is American lives we’re talking about, here!”
Former President Donald Trump put it a different way on Truth Antisocial: “The man who is pretending to be President – because everybody knows that I won the 2020 election – won it by a landslide – me, you, the man who cleans up goo – everybody knows – Catatonic Joe, I call him – Catatonic Joe should have waited until the China balloon was over water where the debris wouldn’t have threatened American lives. Who cares if it killed a few dolphins? It was only a matter of time before the oil leaked into the ocean was going to do it anyway. Catatonic Joe doesn’t care about American lives!”
“I…I’m okay,” Spaghetts insisted. “Really, I’m fine. You’d be surprised at how catchy ‘Chopsticks’ is…”
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32420601012681713697fx]
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The Period Between “Too Soon?” And “Oh, Yawn, Not Again!” Has Become Vanishingly Small
David Pecker met with prosecutors from the Manhattan DA’s office this week. I would make a joke about that, but Twitter has already beaten me to all of them.
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel – Live! (On Tape Delay)
[http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/jimmy-kippel-live-ish/blogs/monologue]
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In The Contest Between Consciousness Raising And Hell Raising, The Smart Money’s On The Underworld
In cities in Florida and Ohio, police cruisers have been spray painted with images of black heroes and quotes from Martin Luther King, Jr. in order to celebrate Black History Month. This will ensure that when black people are killed by police, the victims will know that they were killed by people who had the proper political consciousness.
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2023-02-03-wtc-lawsuit-waiting-to-happen_x.htm]
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I Wouldn’t Put Too Much Into That Image; Sinema Will Share A Milkshake With Any Boy She Thinks Will Further Her Career
MONDAY: Grammys be, like, cray cray, y’all! Uhh…by which I mean they were fun to watch. Honestly, somebody stop me if I ever try to appropriate that voice again!
TUESDAY: I wouldn’t mind the Chinese balloon flying over my house if it dropped jelly beans on my neighbourhood. What with inflation and all, my jelly bean habit is becoming uber-expensive!
WEDNESDAY: I can’t seem to get Alannis Morissette’s song “Ironic” out of my head, even though I know what the word actually means. What kind of a god would allow that to happen?!?!?!
THURSDAY: Ooh! I just saw a photo of Senate Democrat Kyrsten Sinema sharing a milkshake with Republican Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy. I thought his heart belonged to Marjorie Taylor Green. Maybe it’s another body part…
FRIDAY: Ordinary people are delighted by their friends. Narcissists are delighted by their enemies.
SATURDAY: There is a sex toy named after Fatboy Slim. It gives a whole new meaning to the term “dirty dancing!”
SUNDAY: Actor Charles Kimbrough died the other day. As soon as I saw his name, I could picture his face even though I had never seen an episode of Murphy Brown. Media are spooky.
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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It’s Good To Be The Principal!
In a hearing for the House Committee to…Do Something To Pwn The Libs, Representative Marjorie Taylor Green claimed that an elementary school in Illinois got $5 billion in funds for equity and diversity.
When asked about the funding, an anonymous source within the school put down her gold-plated coffee mug and looked surprised. “Hasn’t the $20 million we put into a recall petition for the Representative resulted in her being booted from her seat yet? Tch! Money really doesn’t buy as much as it used to. Guess I’ll have to get out my unobtainium pen and sign another check!”
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2023/ALLPOLITICS/02/05/reps.main/index.html]
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Florida Man Tries To Build A Better Idiot
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis was becoming increasingly agitated by people in his state going on TV to denounce Critical Race Theory, then, when asked what it was, answering that they had no idea. His solution to the image problem? Teach adults CRT so that when they are interviewed, they will be able to accurately articulate what they are against.
“Today, I am happy to sign the Stop Dope Act into law,” Governor DeSantis said at a press conference, surrounded by the cast of Idiocracy. “This will ensure that Floridians will have enough knowledge of CRT that they won’t look like complete morons to the rest of the country when asked about it.”
When a reporter asked him if the new law wouldn’t clash with the Stop Woke Act, DeSantis pointed at him and made a high-pitched keening noise. Several security guards surrounded the man, escorted him to a room where “freedom pods” lay dormant and asked if he was feeling sleepy.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32420601012681713699fx]
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