Thank you, Phil Harmonic, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, because, frankly, this job isn’t very challenging, we tried to come up with a slogan for Peperami meat snacks. Everybody agreed that our first attempt – “Meat is murder…ously good” – wasn’t that great of an idea. The slogan “The cow died happy” died a painful death. “Eat Peperami or the cow gets it” struck some of us as a little confused. We’ll keep at it. We like a challenge. Winning the $10,000 is just a bonus.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Harpo May Have Been Silent, But You Can Take Solace In The Fact That The Girls Loved Him
INT. THE WHITE HOUSE (BUT, NOT THE OVAL OFFICE – ONE OF THE SMALLER ROOMS NOT KNOWN FOR ITS SHAPE) – DAY
STEPHEN HARPER: Mister President, I –
SOUND: telephone rings.
BARACK OBAMA: Can you excuse me a second – I have to take this.
HARPER: Oh, su –
OBAMA: (into telephone) Yes? (pause) No, Hillary. We’ve discussed this before – I do not want any sort of missile shield in Poland or The Czech Republic. We’ll find other ways of defending eastern Europe that aren’t so antagonistic towards Russia. Right. Yes. Right. Michelle appreciated it. Yes. No. Give my best to Bill. Thanks.
President Obama hangs up and turns his attention to Harper.
OBAMA: Alright, then, Premier Harpo. We have a lo –
HARPER: Umm, actually, it’s Harper. Prime Minister Stephen Harp –
RAHM EMANUEL enters.
OBAMA: Okay. We –
RAHM EMANUEL: Mister President, sorry to interrupt, but the Baucus committee health care reform bill has just been released.
OBAMA: How bad is it?
EMANUEL: The head, the tail, the guts – it’s a fish that’s rotting all the way through.
OBAMA: Good. Maybe this will spur the progressives to put pressure on the blue dogs to vote for a bill with a public option. Get me a copy right away so I can annotate it.
EMANUEL: Yes, sir.
Emanuel exits.
OBAMA: Sorry about that. Now, President Harpy –
HARPER: Harper.
OBAMA: What’s on your mind?
HARPER: Canada needs an exemption on rules for air travel to allow our hockey teams to fly to American cities.
LONG PAUSE.
OBAMA: Ooooookay. Let’s…work with that…
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
Physiognomy Is Political Destiny
The federal government ordered the CRTC to hold new hearings into whether cable companies should pay a fee to carry the signals of basic television networks. Does this mean that the Conservative government plans on taking over the decision-making power of the traditionally arms-length agency?
“Absolutely not,” one Conservative Party insider explained. “It’s just that, the Heritage Minister has short arms. Really short. Freakishly short, in fact. He is the T-Rex of the Cabinet – we have t-shirts with that slogan on them. James Moore – the T-Rex of the Cabinet, the t-shirts say. But, overall, I would say that this in no way undermines the CRTC’s independ – no, the t-shirts aren’t for sale.”
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
Of Course, If He Had Been Wearing A Pro Kerry T-shirt, Kennedy Wouldn’t Even Have Gotten In In The First Place
The search for Congressman Ted Kennedy continues.
Last week, during a speech to a joint session of Congress from President George W. Bush, Kennedy shouted, “You lie!” when Bush started talking about how admirable his record on health care reform was. Kennedy was immediately escorted out of the Senate chambers by security, and hasn’t been heard from since.
The White House denied that Kennedy had been renditioned to Saudi Arabia. “Oh, don’t be such an old silly,” chirped Press Secretary Dana Perino, “We know how to deal with his kind right here in this country.”
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32887641315241319687fx]
Critics Of Critics Fear Self-serving Criticism Critical To Giving Critiques A Bad Name
“Critics fear harsh regulation may stifle recovery”
– Globe and Mail
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=13728879038]
Some People Are Electrified By Touching The Third Rail Of American Politics
Jimmy Carter – a hemorrhoid on the face of American politics if there ever was one – has said that the criticism of President Obama is racist. Now, you know…you know that I’ve always said Obama is a chicken and watermelon-eating, uppity pickaninny black power loving white hater. But, that’s not racist. I would have said the same thing about Hillary Clinton if she had been elected President!
SOURCE: Rush Limburger Home Page
[http://www.rushlimburger.com/home/daily/site_091609/content/truth_distorter.hostile_enemy.html]
He Was Also In Those Robert Altman Films…You Know The Ones…
Henry Gibson has died at the age of 73. He was best known for repeating the catchphrase “Very interestink” on Rowan and Martin’s Laugh – no, wait, that was Arte Johnson. He was the one on Laugh-In who said, “And, now, it’s sock it to me ti -” No, that was Goldie Hawn. “Flying fickle finger of fate?” No. “You bet your bippy?” Uh uh. Oh, cut us some slack! That was a long time ago!
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
Glenn, Glenn, Glenn – When You Can Play Three Dimensional Chess, You’ll Understand
Environmentalist Van Jones was not ousted from the White House because he called Republicans assholes. As Fox News demagogue Glenn Beck pointed out, “I’ve called Obama a racist…a socialist…a Nazi…a bed wetter – believe me, what Van Jones said about us was mild compared to what I’ve said about the President.”
No, apparently what incensed the right wing was the fact that Jones had once signed a 9/11 truth petition. “Crazy conspiracy theories -,” Beck explained, “they – they – they’re the exclusive property of the right, Mister, so back off! As Mahatma Indira Ghandi used to say, ‘If you can’t stand the heat, bake brownies!’ And, I – I think that’s even more true today than it was when he said it in the eighteenth century!”
Also on the show, Beck defended his criticism of the President for telling children nationwide to stay in school. “Learn things? Like thinking for yourself? Do you have any idea what that would lead to?” Beck, on the verge of real tears, fulminated. “No more birthers! Who would be left to believe in death panels? I would actually have to do research and…and bolster my arguments with facts – facts! That ordinary viewers could dispute! Why is the President so determined to destroy everything that makes America great?”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2009Sept15.html]