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John Fogerty was a genius!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
People Will Finally Drink The Homeless In With Their Eyes
In anticipation of the city allowing beer in public parks, homeless people have started legally changing their names to those of alcoholic beverages.
“I’m hoping that the cops will stop tearing down my tent,” said Bud Lite. “It may not be much, but I like to think of it as home.”
“It’s like a hoser version of the end of Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451,” sniffed Pabst Blue Ribbon. “Except, without the fire motif that pervades the novel, because we’re not allowed to burn anything to keep ourselves warm in parks…”
“I would rather risk the possibility of getting beaten and robbed by police in the park than the almost certainty of getting beaten and robbed in an overcrowded shelter,” said Stella Artois. “It’s a matter of priorities, isn’t it?”
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=417082]
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Afterwards, Musk Tweeted That He Would Have Won If Zuckerberg Hadn’t Cheated
All Of His Neo-Nazi Friends Tweeted Their Agreement
The Battle of the Billionaires started off slowly, with Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk warily circling each other like a pair of liquidations specialists picking over the remains of a dead company. Then – * SLAP *! Zuckerberg drew first blood! Then – * SLAP *! Musk struck back. Before anybody knew what was happening, we were in the midst of an epic slap fight that would have put the Three Stooges in their prime to shame.
Inevitably, Zuckerberg, younger and more fit, won the match, with an exhausted Musk dropping to the canvas. Asked why he favoured his left hand over his right, a move that may have prolonged the bout by several minutes, Zuckerberg said that he didn’t want to risk injuring his check signing hand.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#56255137805]
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Success! Cigars All Around!
Don’t Look At Me Like That – They Couldn’t Make Things Much Worse!
Wildfires in Ontario and Quebec have made the air over Toronto hazy. At last, the city is living up to its nickname, “The Big Smoke!”
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2023/07/02/509727.html]
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Some Rights Are Wrong
In support of a New Brunswick policy that no longer requires teachers to use the chosen names and pronouns of transgender or non-binary students without parental consent, Conservative Party of Canada leader Pierre Poilievre said, “Let parents raise kids.”
What about parents who want their children to get surgery to align their bodies with their identities? Poilievre shrugged and pronounced, “Let’s not get carried away…”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20230709.eladvote0102_@/BNStory/newsOops2023/]
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A Guest Spot On Dancing With the Stars Followed By An Unfortunate Fatal Fall From A Hotel Balcony
“What’s next for ‘Putin’s Chef’ Yevgeny Prigozhin?”
– Toronto Star
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1886535460]
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I See KC, But Where Is The Sunshine Band?
They’re Obviously Not In A Conservative-Run Ontario…
1 for the money) Caroline Mulroney, who had only been licensed to practice law in Ontario three days earlier, was given the honorary title of King’s Council by the Ontario government. How would Ford have rewarded her if she had been a lawyer for a full week?
a) he would have given her a gold star, a pat on the back, and an extra $10,000 for “office supplies”
b) he would have given her a brand new car and a year’s supply of Turtle Wax, the San Francisco Treat
c) he would have given her an all-expenses paid trip to Petawawa
2 for the show) How would Ford have rewarded her is she had been a lawyer for a full year?
a) he would have given her all the rope she needed to hang herself
b) he would have given her an all expenses paid trip to the Multinational Force and Observers base in the Sinai Peninsula in Egypt
c) he would have given her a seat in the Senate
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Doubting Thomas
LESTER HOLT: You’re Black. Why would you vote to strike down the use of race as a criterion for college admissions?
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE CLARENCE THOMAS: I got where I am today through affirmative action. And there was always the question: was I chosen because of my ability or the colour of my skin? There is a stigma attached to success if you succeed in that way. I vowed that if I was ever in a position to do so, I would keep future generations of Black children from experiencing this humiliating stigma.
HOLT: So, you wanted to keep future generations of Black children from experiencing the stigma of having a billionaire pay for their vacations?
JUSTICE THOMAS: Exactly! (pause) What?
HOLT: And you wanted to ensure that they never had to experience the terrible, terrible stigma of having a billionaire pay for the house their mother lives in and allowing her to continue staying in it rent-free?
JUSTICE THOMAS: I don’t know that that’s exactly what I was –
HOLT: And of course, you wanted to guarantee that no Black person would ever suffer the stigma of having the Horatio Alger Society fund a documentary lauding him after he received a lot of negative press.
JUSTICE THOMAS: That resulted in more of an embarrassment than a stigma…
HOLT: You have signed on to some of the worst decisions the Supreme Court has ever made, and your corruption is becoming legendary. Aren’t you living, breathing proof that affirmative action breeds mediocrity?
JUSTICE THOMAS: Thank you for your understanding! It’s about time somebody got me!
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/justiceloudandclarence.shtm]
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Despite That, Over Three Million People Are Dying To Play
7pm
The Game Show Network
Nip and Tucker
How serious is the non-compete clause in Tucker Carlson’s contract with Fox? Serious as a nuclear attack. So, what is a poor multi-millionaire who craves attention to do? Host a game show, of course. If you think about it for a moment, you will see that this is a perfect fit for somebody who has only ever asked questions. The unique twist about Nip and Tucker? It’s a game show where everybody loses!
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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