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The Daily Me Staff
Western Civilization In De-Klein
With oil prices topping $50 a barrel, Alberta Premier Ralph Klein is crowing about his government’s excellent management of the provincial economy. And, quite right, too. After all, it was the Alberta Conservatives who went back in time 100 million years and strangled all those dinosaurs in their sleep to ensure that the province would be swimming in the oil that their dead bodies would become.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
We Should All Live With Such Diminished Expectations
Republican President George Bush was considered a winner in his debate with Democratic challenger John Kerry because he continued breathing for the entire 90 minutes. “It was touch and go around the 50 minute mark,” one Bush supporter commented, “when his face started turning blue. But, our man started breathing again before he passed out, so it was definitely ‘Mission Accomplished!'”
Asked how he thought Kerry conducted himself, the Bush supporter commented, “Did you see his lips? He was on the verge of letting out a smug, superior, self-important sigh! He didn’t, so we didn’t get the knockout punch we were hoping for, but Kerry was definitely on the ropes!”
But, mostly, the Bush supporter wanted to gush about his own candidate. “Next debate, we’re going to see if we can cut down on the drooling!”
SOURCE: USA Whenever
Irony May Not Be Dead, But Comedy’s Standards Sure Have Plummeted
FOX The Surreal Life: Paris Hilton breaks a nail in downtown Baghdad and spends several days poking through rubble looking for a manicurist. Hilarity ensues.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
SOURCE: Politics for Dummies
Neutral No Longer Just An Idle Gear
Reuters News Service has complained that the CanWest Global chain of newspapers substituted inflammatory terms for the more neutral “suicide bombers” in two of its reports. “Dirty murdering Islamist scumbags is not an inflammatory term,” an editorial in CanWest Global’s The National Post argued. “It’s completely value-neutral. And if you don’t believe us, you should have seen the term Izzy Asper wanted to use!”
SOURCE: The Wryerson Journalism Review
But Enough About Me – Here’s More About Me!
by Leah Eckler
I farted in bed last night.
I could have been marking my territory, making sure that my smell was all over my partner (who didn’t object, by the way, although he must have known he would have been sleeping in the garage if he did). I could have been striking a blow for sexual emancipation, breaking one of the last taboos in bed as I was breaking wind. I could have been initiating a new form of conversation with my partner, a non-verbal conversation involving our olfactory senses.
I could have been doing a lot of things. But, actually, it was just my body responding to the baked beans I had had for dinner that evening.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
Condition: Premature Distribution Syndrome
Symptoms: A drug is released to the public. With an advertising push especially targeted at doctors and elderly shut-ins, the drug quickly becomes an international best-seller, puffing up the company’s bottom line. However, continued clinical trials begin to show that the drug has harmful side-effects, including increased risk of heart attack and stroke.
Short-term Prognosis: Some damage to the company is inevitable, but it can be localized if the company immediately accepts that the drug is dangerous and pulls it off the market.
Long-term Prognosis: Better research procedures, including mandatory registry of studies before they are conducted, will help ensure that drugs that are put on the market are reasonably safe, and all of their side effects are known.
Case Study: Merck & Company’s Vioxx arthritis treatment.
SOURCE: The Medical Industrial Complex
The Best Defense Is To Give Offense
Todd Ferenghi, in court to answer charges that he had stolen over $5,000 in an armed robbery, claimed that he was not guilty by reason of “it’s not a huge sum of money.” When asked how he had come up with that plea, Ferenghi explained it was what the chairman of Dynamic Mutual Funds said in response to the Ontario Securities Commission’s investigation of market timing in mutual fund sales.
When he stopped laughing, Judge Conroyd Delbartin sentenced Ferenghi to the maximum prison term allowed by the law.
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
British Prime Minister Tony Blair admitted that he was wrong about Saddam Hussein having weapons of mass destruction and, after apologizing, committed ritual suicide by disemboweling himself with the Speaker of Parliament’s mace. The shaken Speaker said, “This is how responsible leaders act when it has been proven that they have mislead their people.”
Okay, this didn’t really happen. Blair said that even though the whole rationale for waging war against Iraq was bogus, it was still the right thing to do because the world was safer with Saddam Hussein out of power. When confronted with the reality that attacks in Iraq have increased since the end of the war, killing increasing numbers of members of the “Coalition of the Unthrilling” and untold numbers of civilians, Blair’s head exploded, covering his entire cabinet in blood and brain matter. The shaken Speaker of the House said, “This is how responsible leaders act when their policy statements bear no relationship to reality.”
Alright, alright, this didn’t happen, either. Blair lived and went on to say that: “Salvation will not come solely from a gunship…the only lasting way to defeat this terrorism is through progressive politics” that helps countries end oppression. That’s it. No stomping from Godzilla. No huge rocks falling from the sky. Just breathtaking hypocrisy.
You know, the world could really use a random disaster special effects generator. Where’s Jerry Bruckheimer when you need him?
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog