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The Daily Me Staff
American Political Discourse – Schoolyard Version
From the second debate between Republican President George W. Bush and Democratic Presidential contender John Kerry:
KERRY: The Bush administration took a multi-billion dollar surplus and, in four years, turned it into a $400 billion deficit!
BUSH: Did not!
KERRY: Did too!
BUSH: Did not!
KERRY: Way did too!
BUSH: You would be worse!
KERRY: No, I wouldn’t!
BUSH: Sez you!
KERRY: Can you make him address the issue?
MODERATOR: I’m sorry, but –
BUSH: Butt out, buttinski!
KERRY: Look –
BUSH: Flip flopper! Flip flopper! Flip fopper!
KERRY: I’d rather change my mind than be consistently wrong.
BUSH: I’m never wrong.
KERRY: Are, too!
BUSH: Are not!
KERRY: Oh, this is futile!
BUSH: No it isn’t.
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
The Only Way The Military Will Be Cut Is With Paper
Iran has sent a diplomatic message to Israel stating that it will react “most severely” to any action against its nuclear facilities. In return, Israel is considering sending a memo to Iran saying it will “overreact with extreme prejudice” to any nuclear threat to its people. At this rate, all of the extremists in both countries should drown in a blizzard of paper within five years.
Or less, if the world can figure out a way to speed up the process…
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
Listen Up, Spin Doctor Assholes!
After the first presidential debate, pundits have been claiming that George Bush, who clearly lost, has been underestimated throughout his career. Underestimated throughout his career.
Listen up, spin doctor assholes! Bush has not been underestimated – he is exactly who he appears to be. Inarticulate. Lacking in compassion. Lacking in understanding of the world. Criminally unable to admit when he is wrong. Smirks and laughs at inappropriate moments. A mediocre college student and a failure as a businessman. A frat boy in way, way over his head.
What has been underestimated is the ruthlessness of the people around him, who will stoop to anything to put and keep him in power. Not that any spin doctor is going to look too closely at them!
SOURCE: Listen Up, Asshole!
Or, It Could Be A Sign Of Things Already Here
“Oil at $50 a barrel may be a sign of things to come.”
– Globe and Mail headline
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
Utterly Implausible Deniability
From the debate between Republican Vice President Dick Cheney and Democratic Vice Presidential contender John Edwards:
MODERATOR: Vice President Cheney –
CHENEY: No.
MODERATOR: I’m sorry?
CHENEY: I’m not Vice President Cheney.
MODERATOR: But, this is the Vice Presidential debate.
CHENEY: I know that.
MODERATOR: And, you are Vice President Dick Cheney.
CHENEY: Of course I am. Who were you expecting?
MODERATOR: But, you just denied being the Vice President.
CHENEY: No, I didn’t.
EDWARDS: But, I just heard you say you weren’t.
CHENEY: Aww, you haven’t even finished your first term in the Senate – what do you know?
EDWARDS: What?
CHENEY: You didn’t hear that from me…
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
You Go Girl! – Quickly…Without Any Fuss…
She’s back! She’s back! She’s back! And, isn’t she fabulous! I’m talking about Cher, of course, who’s coming to town on her “Coyly Sidling Up To The End Of My Career Tour!” Oh, baby, don’t talk like that! When you’re 103 and sitting in a wheelchair, your vocal chords having been removed and replaced by a voice box, YOU’LL STILL BE FABULOUS!
Yes, I, Mickey Detwiler, am a fan. You have a problem with that?
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
Putting People Back To Work…On Their Resumes
I laugh at Bombardier’s announcement that it is laying off 2,000 people, barely 7.4 per cent of its work force. AT&T firing 20 per cent of its 61,300 employees? Pikers!
Here at Les Pages aux Folles, where we are on the cutting edge of economic rationalism, we plan on firing 110 per cent of our work force over the next six months. How is this possible? We intend to pull people off the street and hire them just so we can fire them! Our plan also calls for rehiring just laid off workers so we can fire them a second time!
Les Pages aux Folles – at the forefront of questionable corporate practices.
Sincerely,
Ned Feeblish
ned.feeblish@lespagesauxfolles.ca
Vice President, Public Relations and Involuntary Career Adjustment Invitations
Les Pages aux Folles
a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp
“We do funny (corporate) stuff”
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
American Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld, unhappy that President Bush and Vice President Cheney were hogging the spotlight, held a debate with himself.
MODERATOR: Secretary Rumsfeld, why did the United States attack Iraq?
RUMSFELD: The Saddam Hussein regime was harbouring Al Qaeda operatives who fled the US military dragnet in Afghanistan. American intelligence agencies have gathered solid evidence of the presence in Iraq of Al Qaeda members.
MODERATOR: Secretary Rumsfeld, how do you respond to your claim that there was a connection between Iraq and Al Qaeda?
RUMSFELD: To my knowledge, I have not seen any strong, hard evidence that links the two.
MODERATOR: Oh. Well, then, Secretary Rumsfeld, would you perhaps like to expand on your original point?
RUMSFELD: There are reports about people in Saddam Hussein’s intelligence service meeting in one country or another with Al Qaeda people from one person to another, which may have been indicative of something, or may not have been.
MODERATOR: Secretary Rumsfeld seems to have shifted his position. Secretary Rumsfeld, what would you say to that?
RUMSFELD: I have seen the answer to that question migrate in the intelligence community over the period of a year in the most amazing way… There are differences in the intelligence community as to what the relationship was.
MODERATOR: Oh. Thank you for…clearing that up.
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama