Thank you, Merete Manser, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, Dustin Byron Thompson was found guilty of obstructing justice and five other counts arising from his participation in the January 6 insurrection. His defence, that former President Donald Trump made him do it (the devil you say!), was utterly rejected by the jury.
We could have told him it wouldn’t work. When we tried to convince our editor that our copy was late because former President Donald Trump made us go to a rave the night before, we were docked a week’s salary. When the cop stopped us for speeding, she didn’t accept the rationale that former President Donald Trump convinced us we needed to get to the liquor store before it closed. Hell, when we told our mothers that we had eaten most of the blueberry pie she had left on the sill to cool because Donald Trump made us, we did not avoid a spanking.
We’ve always advocated personal responsibility for other people – who knew it would apply to us, too?
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Loose Change
With mask and other mandates lifted, we wondered how ordinary Canadians felt about life returning to normal. We started by asking Calgarian dental fricative technician Martha Monetelemar if she was enjoying the change.
Unfortunately, Martha Montelemar was indisposed due to a surprise case of, err, death. Apparently, she had caught COVID at a Flames hockey game, and she wasn’t even a fan. She may not even have attended the game.
So, we put the same question to Andre Watanabe, a neo-classical auto assembly line worker from Oshawa. But he was unable to answer our questions because of the tube that was stuck down his throat in the emergency ward of the Oshawa Specific Hospital.
Bridget Jones-Diarie? Too busy attending a funeral to talk to us. Franklin Andagio? Visiting his wife in the hospital. Evangeline SourKraut?
“Normal?” Evangeline SourKraut answered. “I rarely go out, and whenever I’m in an enclosed environment with other people, I double mask. Normal? Please! I’m not going to be caught dead dying of COVID!”
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2022/04/01/meetthenewnormal090623]
Canada’s Contribution To The Humanitarian War Effort Nibbles At The Toes Of Empire
According to the Russian War Ministry, the flag ship of the country’s navy, the Moskva, sank because beavers had somehow been introduced into the ship and gnawed holes in its hull. Its steel-plated hull. “Canadians are not our friends,” said President Vladimir Putin.
We’re torn. On the one hand, this is the most ridiculous political statement since Czar Nicholas said, “I want all of my people to be happy. The peasants need chandeliers. Chandeliers make me happy. So, chandeliers for everyone!” On the other hand, we like our jobs. And our scalps. Keeping both is a priority for us. So, we’ll probably get a retired military veteran to express our outrage for us – if the losses in Ukraine are anything to go by, Russian military troops are expendable!
SOURCE: Demi-TASS
[http://en.demi-tass.com/russia/744318]
How Can I Put This Diplomatically…
The computer network at Rideau Hall was breached by hackers last week. What was the first indication that something was not right? Emails from Governor General Mary Simon urging Canadians to help a Nigerian prince in a difficult spot.
“I didn’t realize that we had that kind of relationship with Nigeria,” said Emilia Fourrier-Tranzforme, a Vancouver statistical cashier for a Bobloblaws who sent $10,000 to the bank account specified in the email. “Or, any kind of relationship with Nigeria, really. But the message came from the Governor General of the country, so It must have been legit. Well, that’s what I thought, anyway…”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20220416.eladvote0416_@/BNStory/newsOops2022/]
Never Remember!
One nation with vast military superiority invades a neighbouring state, grabbing land it has no legal right to. Its occupying army brutalizes the local population, intent on thwarting their goal of developing and maintaining their own sovereign state.
Ukraine? Naah. We’re talking about the West Bank and the Gaza Strip. The…the West Bank? Come on – the West Bank! The Gaza Strip! Surely, you must have heard of them! I know Ukraine is sucking all of the oxygen out of the international atrocities space at the moment, but this has been going on for – the West Bank! The West Bank! Please try to keep up!
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2022Apr17.html]
Don’t Shoot The Messenger
Don’t Shoot The Non-messenger
In Fact, Don’t Shoot Anybody, Okay?
To celebrate the holiday weekend, South Carolina held its annual Easter Bullet Hunt. Nine people found bullets in Cara’s Lounge, Hampton County. That doesn’t compare to the dozens of people who found bullets in the Columbiana Centre shopping centre in Columbia.
When asked about the festivities, South Carolina Governor Henry McMaster shrugged and said, “Everybody celebrates the life of Jesus in their own special way.”
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/national/2022-04-18-aww-shoot-no-wait-i-didnt-mean_x.htm]
We’ll Always Have Paris…Ontario…
A filming boom has occurred in Britain. In 2021, a record $7.4 billion was spent on film and high-end television productions in the country.
“I remember the film and TV boom,” Toronto responded, a trace of bitterness in its voice. “Being wined and dined by Hollywood producers and agents. It was a magical time. I should have known that it wouldn’t last.
“Hollywood is always on the lookout for a production nexus that’s younger…hungrier…cheaper. Enjoy the attention while you can get it, Britain, because soon you’ll be thrown to the curb of cheap knockoffs and dubbing of foreign language productions!”
SOURCE: Entertainment For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/home.asp?did=675&dir=bb]
But…Comic Alliteration Is Our Best Defence Against Despair!
1 of a kind – the wrong kind) What is Russia’s justification for reducing Ukrainian cities to rubble?
a) when Russia’s economy collapses because of sanctions, ordinary citizens will be able to use the Ukrainian rubble to make borscht
b) it makes it impossible for Russian troops moving into the cities to hit themselves in the head with bricks in an attempt to take themselves out of combat because of injury
c) the kid in Russian President Vladimir Putin enjoys fireworks just a little too much
2 grotesque for satire) Which of the following descriptions have been given to Russian President Vladimir Putin?
a) The Baby Butcher of Bucha
b) The Mass Murdering Maniac of Mariupol
c) The Krazed Killer of Karkiev
d) none of the above, and you know the situation in Ukraine must be dire if comic alliteration is extremely inappropriate, is, in fact, in tremendously bad taste, to describe it
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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