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The Daily Me Staff
Tyranny On Tap
It was bad enough that Democratic Representative Jane Harman promised to assist agents of the Israeli government in exchange for their support for her bid to become Chair of the House Intelligence Committee. I’ll never understand why Israel is so hell-bent on providing evidence that the worst nightmares of anti-Semites about Jewish influence in American politics are true.
Now, it turns out that the NSA caught Harman making the deal on a wiretap, and may have used that information to secure her support for legislation legalizing the wiretap programme. On the one hand, it was a terrifying example of how too much power can corrupt the democratic process. On the other hand, you have to admit that, in this instance, wiretapping did work.
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
Especially When Estelle Getty And William S. Burroughs Showed Up
Actor Bea Arthur and author J. G. Ballard died yesterday. That must have made for some fascinating conversation in the line at the Pearly Gates!
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
Won’t Get Fueled Again
Jimmy Proseculatori gazes at his 2014 Buick Meerkat with fondness. It’s been six years since he could afford the gasoline to take it out for a spin and three years since the oil ran out.
What does the car represent to Jimmy Proseculatori? “Freedom.”
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32320642914644474687fx]
Looks Aren’t Everything – They’re The Only Thing
What a voice Susan Boyle has! Who cares if she’s a little dowdy? Okay, a lot dowdy – Susan, would it kill you to use makeup? I mean, women have been doing it for thousands of years – we’ve pretty much got the whole blush and eyeliner thing down by now. And, those clothes! You know, people look down on those who live on the street for a reason! Did you pick that wardrobe yourself, or did the homeless woman on the corner choose something out of her shopping cart for you!
But, uhh, that…that doesn’t matter. Did you hear her voice?
SOURCE: Jennifer’s Brain Blorts
[http://weblogger.brainblorts.home.html]
Don’t Be Rash…Unless That’s A Symptom
MARTY DEBERGI: Why do the World Health Organization’s epidemic levels go up to six?
WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION: Because, when I’m sending out health alerts and I need the extra – oomph – you know, something that really ratchets up the public fear, and I’m already at five then…then I can turn it up one more level. You know, to six.
DEBERGI: Why don’t you just make five the highest?
WHO: Five?
DEBERGI: That’s right. Go to four, and then, if you need to increase the level, then you go to five.
LONG PAUSE.
WHO: Because my system goes up to six.
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227197]
The Ecstasy Of (Cheap) Flight
After its successful cost-cutting move to eliminate baggage handlers by getting travelers to carry their own luggage to planes, Ryanair is considering an even more radical move: letting people fly their own planes.
“We just have to make sure that there is a former military pilot or very attentive stewardess on each flight,’ said Ryanair Chief Executive Officer Michael O’Leary. “It would be a little dramatic, but it would be just as effective. I mean, they always manage to successfully land planes in the movies!”
SOURCE: Safe Xtreme Vacations
[http://www.lookingforsafeadventure.com/asafedventuretravelsites.htm]
Balsillie To The Wall
NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is resolutely opposed to businessman Jim Balsillie’s plan to buy the bankrupt Pheonix Coyotes and move the team to southern Ontario. “We don’t run out on cities,” Bettman explained.
Citizens of Winnipeg coughed up their Mai Tais when they heard that. People living in Quebec City, being Gallic bred, shrugged and sang sad, nostalgic songs about the Nordiques.
“Okay, okay, that may not have always been the case,” Bettman allowed, “but it is now. And, anyway, there’s good reason to block the sale. Let’s face it: Canada is just not a big hockey market.”
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#56438176265]
Did You Drive Or Did You Flu?
Villagers in the Afghan city of Herat brought truckloads of dead bodies to their provincial capital to prove to journalists that they were killed by American air strikes. “This is just a publicity stunt to make our fight against the Taliban look bad,” said an unnamed Pentagon source.
When asked how the people died, the unnamed Pentagon source stated: “Swine flu.” When it was pointed out that many of the bodies had parts missing, the unnamed Pentagon source said, “No surprise there – Herat is the centre of cannibalism in Afghanistan.” When it was further pointed out that many of the bodies had what appeared to be bullet holes, the unnamed Pentagon source said, “I can see how they might seem that way. Actually, this strain of Swine Flu is highly adaptable, and, in this case, makes the body eject chunks of flesh that create holes that look like bullet wounds.
“Really, you should keep up with the medical literature,” the unnamed Pentagon source added.
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2009/ALLPOLITICS/05/02/reps.main/index.html]
Photography Would Prefer To Remain Friends
“Compared to the average Torontonian, NOW readers are 32% more likely to be involved with photography.”
– NOW magazine
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
Thank You, But We Don’t Need To Ask Any
Script for a Conservative politician’s apology to Rush Limbaugh:
As you know, I am and have always been against (immigration/equal rights for women/rationality). If I appear to have come out in favour of it, it is because (I misspoke/I was misquoted/I had a brief moment of sanity).
I would like to (thank/profusely thank/strangle) Rush Limbaugh for pointing out my apparent ideological inconsistency. Rush is a (great Conservative/great pain in the ass/great political overlord), and I am happy to (accept his input on important issues of the day/pander to the prejudices of his listeners in the hope that some of his popularity will rub off on me/grovel at his feet so that he will stop saying mean things about me).
Thank you. I will not be taking questions at this time.
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382860247053794637486482cahs01.html]