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The Daily Me Staff
Can Thin Characters Have A Hidden Side?
Flat Mark will not be a part of the coming election. Why? He has been quoted as saying that, given his past relationship with Prime Minister Paul Martin, it would be difficult for him not to be partisan. However, in an exclusive interview, he paints a different picture: “My momma didn’t colour in with pencil crayons no fools!” Flat Mark stated…err, flatly. “Paul has stumbled and fumbled through the first couple of weeks of the campaign. I like him, but this is one two-dimensional cardboard cut-out that knows better than to fraternize with losers!”
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
It’s Not a Cure for Alzheimer’s, Either
Yum Brand’s KFC unit promised not to make any unsupported promises about the health benefits of its foods as part of a settlement with the Federal Trade Commission. “There goes the campaign linking fried chicken products with growing back severed limbs!” one advertising executive commented. “How are we supposed to get people to eat this crap now?”
SOURCE: Business Law Daily
McDonald’s and Sony corporation will give away free song downloads with each Big Mac sold in Europe and North America. What do you bet they won’t be giving away any songs featured on the soundtrack of the film Supersize Me? “This is the first ever multinational distribution of free music in the history of the music industry,” McDonald’s Global Chief Marketing Officer Larry Light claimed. Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry – wasn’t competition from free downloads the reason Sony entered into the agreement in the first place?
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
He presided over the Iran/contra scandal. He promised to be a fiscal conservative while allowing the federal deficit to explode. He was anti-environment, once famously saying that trees were responsible for climate change. He was the worst President of the last century…until George W. Bush stole himself an election. Still, Ronald Reagan has died, so I suppose I have to say some good things about him.
1) Reagan’s ability to sleep through Cabinet meetings was an inspiration to Wallys everywhere.
2) Reagan’s deficit put all of our mortgage and/or car payments into perspective.
3) Reagan’s inability to remember facts correctly was an unending source of merriment for a weary nation.
4) The flood of cocaine supplied by the Nicaraguan contras (with a wink from the CIA) kept domestic prices down during Reagan’s presidency, making it easier for addicts to feed their habit.
5) Reagan called these pushers (and what we would now call terrorists) “freedom fighters,” proving the postmodern argument that language is infinitely malleable and, ultimately, that words have no fixed meaning.
6) Reagan replaced the doctrine of Presidential responsibility with the doctrine of plausible deniability, a boon for illegal activities in the White House.
7) Reagan’s “welfare Queen” replaced the hoary old “evil stepmother” as the bogey woman in fairy tales, and not a moment too soon!
8) Nancy Reagan’s reliance on the advice of astrologers to make important decisions legitimized the occult and the irrational.
9) Reagan era tax cuts made obscene wealth respectable again.
10) During Reagan’s Presidency, Colonel Oliver North was hailed as a heroic patriot, lowering the bar to the point where any mediocrity can now claim to have successfully served his country.
Oh, yeah. President Ronald Reagan was an inspiration to us all.
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog
Listen Up, Leadership Assholes!
Elections are a pain in the ass.
Paul Martin spent so many decades of his life pursuing the leadership of the Liberal Party that he obviously gave no thought to what he would do if he actually won it. Stephen Harper is about as sharp as the Pillsbury Dough Boy, and how about the way he swats away those pesky policies whenever members of his own party bring them up? As for Jack Layton, as Prime Minister, he’d make a good Alderman. Alderperson. What the fuck ever.
The way I see it, we’ve got a choice between a party that tells us what we want to hear during the campaign, then does the opposite when elected; a party that tells us what we don’t want to hear during the campaign, but will keep its promises if elected, and; a party that doesn’t know what to tell us. Great.
Listen up, assholes! I’m not rich, I don’t work for a Quebec advertising firm and I don’t eat quiche! Tell me how voting for you is gonna make my life better, or, so help me, I’m gonna vote for the fucking Green Party.
SOURCE: Listen Up, Asshole
You Say Potato, I Say Sad Waste of Human Potential
An investigation in to the death of Pat Tilman, who gave up a lucrative career in the NFL to fight in Afghanistan, suggests that he may have been killed accidentally by his own troops. On the field, anybody who would do something so stupid to a member of his own team would be called a “goat.” In Afghanistan, it’s known as “friendly fire.” Wasn’t there a time when you had to die in combat to be considered a hero?
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
Mine is BB Gabor’s “Girls of the Future,” Not That Anybody Cares
Top 10 musical cell phone rings:
1. “Oops, I Did It Again,” Britney Spears
2. “Louie, Louie,” The Kingsmen
3. “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised,” Gil Scott Heron
4. “Silly Love Songs,” Paul McCartney and Wings
5. “Louie, Louie,” Paul Revere and the Raiders
6. “Telephone Line,” Electric Light Orchestra
7. “Birdhouse In Your Soul,” They Might Be Giants
8. “Louie, Louie,” Little Bill & the Bluenotes
9. “Louie, Louie,” The Grateful Dead
10. “Louie, Louie,” Return of Generic Zombies
SOURCE: Computers Byte Magazine
Promises Were Made to be Occupied
“Iraq will be given full sovereignty on June 30.”
– President George W. Bush
given (verb): made a present of
full (adjective): having all distinguishing characteristics; enjoying all authorized rights and privileges; not lacking in any essential
sovereignty (noun): supreme power, especially over a body politic; freedom from external control
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page