Thank you, Ivan Denisovich for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we went home, watched the final episode of Angel, had moderately enjoyable sex with our significant others and had an early night’s sleep. We’re not exactly sure how today’s compilation got finished, but we suspect the cleaning staff.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Hey! – It Could Have Been Hackey Sack
Worried about what will happen to Don Cherry if rumours that he is to be fired from the CBC are true? Don’t be. His newest venture is a video called Don Cherry’s Rockem Sockem Beach Volleyball, Volume 1. The video will allow Cherry to wear the hideous jackets he is so loved for, as well as say things like, “Yeah, yeah. Sunscreen is for wimps…and Europeans.” and, “If you can’t spike ’em in the alleys, you can’t spike ’em on the beach!” That’s Don Cherry’s Rockem Sockem Beach Volleyball, Volume 1 – available in low class gyms and porn emporiums soon!
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
Some scientists now believe the universe is shaped like the Eiffel Tower. American chickenhawk du jour Paul Wolfowitz argues that this makes the French responsible for every bad thing that has ever happened or will ever happen in the space-time continuum.
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
List of Iraqis Killed In the American Invasion and Occupation
Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown.
Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Ali “Alex” Al-Sahala (age 3 1/2). Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown. Unknown.
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
We Connect The Dots For Those Who Can’t
On the campaign trail, New Democratic Party leader Jack Layton accused Prime Minister Paul Martin of being responsible for the death of homeless people when he was Jean Chretien’s Finance Minister. Outrageous! everybody cried. But, was it really?
This is what the press reported:
You may get the impression that Layton was accusing Martin of personally going out and strangling homeless people. Actually, what Layton was arguing is closer to this:
Now, one may certainly argue with how Layton connects the dots. However, those who dismiss the dots themselves may want to get their vision checked.
As for the possibility that Paul Martin personally went out and strangled homeless people, well, you brought it up, I didn’t. I’m sure Martin will stand on his record on this issue.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
Conservative Party health critic Rob Merrifield is calling for third-party counseling for women considering terminating pregnancies. The third party he is suggesting is Bansfield Meridien, an 87 year-old former Catholic shoe salesman who lives in a remote part of the Yukon. “Abortion is the law of the land, and we must respect that,” Merrifield stated, “but I don’t see why we shouldn’t give women the opportunity to think long and hard about their decision. Especially long. After all, if they are forced to think long enough, the decision will be taken out of their hands…”
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
Archibald Cox, the special prosecutor dismissed by former President Richard Nixon for failing to stop his Watergate investigation, and Sam Dash, the former chief counsel of the Senate select committee on Watergate, died on Sunday. Funny, isn’t it, that they died on the same day? I mean, what are the odds that two men prominent in the Watergate affair would die on the same day? THE SAME DAY.
Okay, Cox was 92. He was old and old men die. But, Dash was only 79. He had one…maybe two good years left to him. And, yes, okay, it’s not like we don’t know what happened during Watergate – it was in all the papers.
Still, two prominent Watergate figures dying on the same day? THE SAME DAY. Eerie. That’s got to be more than a coincidence. Could it be that Watergate was just the tip of the iceberg? I mean, could we have been given Watergate to cover up something even bigger? How come nobody mentions the Knights Templar roaming the streets of DC? Could it be that Cox and Dash found out something about the connection between Nixon’s resignation and John F. Kennedy’s assassination, something that somebody wanted to ensure that nobody found out?
Cox and Dash dead on the same day. THE SAME DAY. Makes you wonder…
SOURCE: Mike’s Ultimate Conspiracy Page
You Dance the Dance of Death With The Person Whut Brung Ya
Responding to photographs and videos showing former poster child for Truth and Iraqi Democracy Achmed Chalabi eating American soldiers while performing abortions on American teenagers, former Chair of the US Defence Policy Board Richard Perle said, “The CIA has disliked him passionately for a long time, and has mounted a campaign against him with some considerable success. I’ve seen no evidence of improper behaviour on his part. No evidence whatsoever.”
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
Michel Traner’s verbless novel, The Train from Nowhere: this poor excuse for an intellectual exercise, this ill-advised piece of writing, at the same time bloated and meandering, perhaps misogynist, perhaps simply misanthropic. Credible conflict? No. Intriguing characters? No. Tortured syntax? You bet! Poor read – very poor read, indeed.
SOURCE: Saturday Night, Fevered
Force Them To Watch Canadian Idol
On the hustings (aren’t they what corn grows in?), Conservative Party leader Stephen Harper said he was going to get tough on crime, even though it has actually been steadily declining for a number of years. He obviously longs for the days of the lash and public humiliations. Sad, really, when a candidate for leader of the country seems to look upon photos from Abu Ghraib prison with envy.
SOURCE: aye Weakly