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The Daily Me Staff
Potential Employers Can Afford To Be Really, Really, Really, Really, Really Specific In This Job Market
WANTED: Soccer referee. Must be knowledgeable about the current rules of the game, as promulgated by the Federation Internationale de Football Association (FIFA). Must also be an expert in Canadian constitutional law. APPLY: Quebec Soccer Association.
SOURCE: Your Guide To Getting Jobbed
[http://on.ygtgj.com/listings/040927.qrhtml]
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Prepare The Orange Sauce For His Duck
Former Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack has announced that he will withdraw his nomination as the Democratic Party’s candidate for President of the United States. This comes two years before the election and a full year before the primaries.
Not to be outdone, Tommy Fischer-Swallows announced that he would not be running for President in 2032. “I have consulted with the members of my exploratory committee,” Fischer-Swallows stated. “They explained that by then, running a primary campaign will cost as much as $400 million, and running a presidential campaign could cost as much as $1 billion. I can’t raise that kind of money – I’m only four years old!”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49441-2007Mar01.html]
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It Takes More Than Increasing The Number Of Homeless To Leave A Legacy
A portrait of former Ontario Progressive Conservative Premier Mike Harris hasn’t been unveiled at Queen’s Park even though it has been finished for a year. Friends of Harris (hard to believe, but true) claim that the delay is because current Liberal Premier Dalton McGuinty “Will stick his head in a pickle jar before he will do anything for Mike.”
Partisan? Sure.
Petty? You bet.
Harris would have been proud.
SOURCE: Aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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This Headline Is Being Discriminated Against On The Basis Of Its Serifs
Number of men who feel they have been discriminated against on the basis of their sex: 89%
Number of men who feel they have been discriminated against on the basis of their sex, after the concept of sexual discrimination had been explained to them: 62%
Number of men who feel they have been discriminated against on the basis of their sex, after the concept of sexual discrimination had been explained to them, as well as the idea that they shouldn’t claim to be victims of sexual discrimination “just to make a point:” 32%
Number of men who can actually prove they have been discriminated against on the basis of their sex: 1.5%
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b6e6-4c18-bf9b-09b657cc48ec]
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Next Stop For The Whupass Express: Iran?
The White House has issued a statement that categorically denies that it has any plans to attack Iran.
Of course, any reasonable person would accept this: compared to the invasion of Iraq, the headline possibilities of an attack on Iran are severely limited. Compare, for instance, the sublime rhyme of “Iraq Attack” to “Iran Flan” or “Iran Marzipan.” It’s sweet, but it’s just not the same.
Or, consider the potential for outrageous puns. Who could forget the classic: “Between Iraq and a Hard Place?” It will be hard for a new war to top that one.
No, if the best headline you can get out of a military adventure is a reference to 80s hair band Flock of Seagulls (“And Iran”), you can rest assured that there will be no war.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b6e6-4c18-bf9b-08b657cc48ec]
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Next Stop For The Whupass Ex – Where Have I Heard This Before?
ANCHOR: I’m joined now by pollster and Republican non-partisan news source Frank Luntz.
LUNTZ: Hi.
ANCHOR: Now, Frank, the White House has issued a statement that categorically denies that it has any plans to attack Iraq. Should we believe this?
LUNTZ: Absolutely. Compared to the attack on Iraq, the headline possibilities of an attack on Iran are severely limited. Compare the sublime rhyme of “Iraq Attack” to “Iran Flan” or “Iran Marzipan.” It’s not the same. Sweet, in its own way, but just not the same.
ANCHOR: What about the possibilities for outrageous puns?
LUNTZ: No comparison. Who could forget the classic: “Between Iraq and a Hard Place?” Listen, if the best headline you can get out of a military adventure is a reference to 80s hair band Flock of Seagulls – “And Iran” – rest assured that there will be no war.
SOURCE: CanWest Blowhole
[http://www.canada.com/blowholetv.html]
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My Dinner With Conrad
He never showed up.
Was it something I said?
Repeatedly?
Over the course of many years?
He’ll never know what he missed. The French fries were exquisite.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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The Whupass Express Really Gets Around
EVAN “DICK” LAMANCHUK: …screw her? I hardly even knew her!
MICHAELANGELO “DICK” TREMONTE: Ha ha ha ha. Man, the old jokes are the best.
LAMANCHUK: And, speaking of old jokes, what about the war on Iran?
TREMONTE: Is that old thing still going on?
LAMANCHUK: It hasn’t started yet.
TREMONTE: What, is Bush going soft on us?
LAMANCHUK: No headline potential.
TREMONTE: No?
LAMANCHUK: Think about it. Compare the amazing rhyme of “Iraq Attack” to “Iran Flan” or “Iran Marzipan.” It’s just not the same.
TREMONTE: Sweet.
LAMANCHUK: But, just not the same.
TREMONTE: What about the possibilities for outrageous puns? Surely, that would be enough.
LAMANCHUK: No comparison. Who could forget the classic: “Between Iraq and a Hard Place?” Listen, if the best headline you can get out of a military adventure is a reference to 80s hair band Flock of Seagulls – “And Iran” – there’s just no point in starting a war.
TREMONTE: Screw the headline writers. We should do it anyway.
LAMANCHUK: I bow to your superior logic.
SOURCE: C-DIK – Big Dick Radio
[http://www.edgy095.com/]
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You Say Potato, I Say Artichoke
A lot of reviews of comedian Sarah Silverman’s new television show, The Sarah Silverman Programme, have called her a “potty mouth.” How demeaning! Out of respect for her femininity, they should refer to her as a “potty woman.”
SOURCE: Women’s e-Vents
[http://www.womynsevents.fem/article.cfm/dyn/aid/959]
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Sometimes The Answer Is Inherent In The Question
The weekly Web poll
LAST WEEK’S QUESTION:
How do you waste company time by conducting personal tasks?
Researching ways to keep my children from accessing porn on the Web: 5%
Fantasizing about vacations I know I’ll never be able to afford: 10%
Researching ways to get around the software I’ve installed to keep my children from accessing porn on the Web: 17%
Developing ever more elaborate methods to ensure my boss will not be able to detect that I am wasting company time by conducting personal tasks: 25%
Responding to Glob and Maul online polls: 43%
THIS WEEK’S QUESTION:
What will you do when you lose your job because you wasted too much company time conducting personal tasks?
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20070302.eladvote0302_@/BNStory/pollWaste2007/]
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