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The Daily Me Staff
But, Will It Create Excuses To Placate Your Girlfriend When She Finds Out What It’s Doing?
So much porn, only so many hours in the day.
“I want to download more porn off the Internet, but who has the time?”
Worried that you’re falling behind in your consumption of online erotica? Concerned that you might be dragging the alarmist statistics about Internet pornography usage down? Well, don’t worry, Mister Average Man on the Street, because we have a solution to your vexing problem!
The Adult Fun Shoppe’s Porn-O-Matic 9,000 is a specially designed bot that trolls the Internet for all those naughty pictures you would download yourself if only you had the time. With its sophisticated artificial intelligence, it compares the porn it downloads with what you actually spend time looking at, and adjusts its search accordingly.
But, that’s not all! The Porn-O-Matic 9,000 is fully customizable. For instance, it offers three basic settings: Free (which only searches free porn sites), Pay (which searches free and pay sites – be sure to enter your credit card information!) and Daring (which searches for hacked passwords to pay sites – be sure you have your lawyer’s phone number handy!). As well, you can search for specific media and any fetish – real or imagined!
And, coming soon: if you don’t have time to view all the sexually arousing material the Porn-O-Matic 9,000 finds for you, count on the EroticVu XP to do it for you!
The Adult Fun Shoppe – your pleasure is our business.
SOURCE: Gamer Bois Mag
[http://boiswillbe.com]
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She Has A Wicked Sense Of Humour
Jerry Falwell has died. In response, god grinned and said, “We’ll see.”
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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This Explains The Little Messes He Leaves All Over The Place, Too
In my never-ending quest to understand the divergence between George W. Bush’s statements and reality, I think I may have finally hit upon the solution. The President of the United States, the leader of the free world, is a dog.
Remember when he claimed that the United States doesn’t torture people in the midst of reports that the US was, in fact, torturing people? The traditional way of interpreting this would be that he was either lying or detached from reality. However, dogs: a) are friendly, always seeing the best in others, and; b) have really short memories. QED: Bush is actually a dog.
Just before giving the speech where he claimed the US doesn’t torture people, he was probably thinking, “Huff. Huff. I wonder what’s for dinner? I hope it’s that meat that I like so much. Huff huff. Yeah, I really like that meat. Torture. Let’s see? Cameraman. Woman who does my makeup. Dick Cheney. Huff huff. Nope. Don’t see any torture here. I guess we must not do it, then.”
Of course, I would hate to speculate on what animals the people around him are.
SOURCE: Bill’s Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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The Short Sellers Can Afford To Buy Copies To Give To The Grannies
Pop! Why Losing Everything in a Market Crash is Good For You
Daniel Gross
HarperCollins
You have to admire a book that tells grannies that losing their retirement savings in a stock market crash is the best thing that could ever happen to them. Of course, since they’ve already lost all they had, it’s hard to imagine how they could afford to buy the book…
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.41.27/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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Ding Dong, The Wolfie’s Dead
In the wake of a nepotism scandal, Paul Wolfowitz has quit as head of the World Bank. He was immediately praised for his steadfastness in fighting corruption at the World Bank, making the hard decisions against the inertia of the bureaucrats entrenched in the institution. Of course, this praise came mostly in his resignation speech.
Wolfowitz was clearly a victim of a new condition that affects former members of the Bush Administration that is sometimes called “Fantasy Lag.” This is the disconnect that occurs when somebody who has been living in an institution that creates its own reality moves to an institution that exists in the real world. Symptoms of Fantasy Lag include: the persistent delusion that the fact that you are saying something is so makes it so and an unwillingness to consider the possibility that those who disagree with the reality you have created might have a point.
Reintegrating a person into consensus reality is a difficult task. How long a person continues to suffer from Fantasy Lag is determined, in part, by their arrogance. In Wolfowitz’ case, the condition is likely to be terminal.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2007May19.html]
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Man Plans, Woman Laughs
Oh, The Pressure!
Any man, in his own defence’ll
Make up wild excuses for having no lead in his pencil
You know: a pillock, a fumbler, someone with a conjunction disjunction
The word impotence seems so harsh – let’s call it erectile dysfunction
He’ll tell you that he was asleep, and before he’d awoken
Somebody had stolen his penis and left him plainer than a Ken
Doll, or that an evil coven of man-hating witches
Had cast a spell that left him with empty britches
Although you may look askance
Idleness was the culprit in the Renaissance
A man’s failure to raise a proper head
Was also blamed on sleeping in an over-soft bed
Although the causes of impotence may make a man ill at ease
The cure may be worse than the disease
The ancient Greeks, to fight this lack,
Prescribed a nettles, chickpeas and crushed beetles aphrodisiac
While, for a better boner to get,
Ovid suggested men wear the “right molar of a small crocodile…as an amulet”
In medieval times, to raise a man’s stocks
He was told to eat bread kneaded with a woman’s buttocks
Or, to ensure the straightness of his arrows
A man could eat a mixture of goat fat and the brains of male sparrows
Today, of course, to get a sperm Niagara
There’s Viagra
Ninety year old men in diapers with declining mental powers
Can have an erection for hours
I hate to be a contrarian and such
But I think it’s much ado about not very much
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/189.html]
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