Thank you, E. S. P. N. Bobafett, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Some of you may have received a Daily Me last week without the usual explanatory text. Please accept our apologies: we were testing out a new cappuccino maker and, well, sometimes technology is quite beyond us. We are especially sorry for those who were lost and confused, uncertain how to navigate the sea of information without our carefully constructed guide. But, you’ll get over it. And, as to those who were blinded by all the white space on your computer screens, our lawyers assure us that there is no way in hell you can hold us liable for your medical costs.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Kind Of Hard To Carry A Concealed Rack
A freshman at an Indiana high school hit another student and tried to hit a teacher with a medieval weapon known as a flail.
The National Rifle Association immediately condemned the arrest of the girl for battery, claiming that she was only exercising her second amendment right to defend herself with whatever weapon was at hand. The NRA intends to intervene in the case, arguing that the right to bear arms extends to flails, maces, cat-o-nine-tails and racks.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/11067498002645878.xml]
more
Total Non-recall
Attorney General Senate Testimony Scratch Mix
I can only recall…
I don’t recall…
It appears… I was not responsible for…
Senator, I was never aware…
Senator, that’s an answer that I have to get back to you…
Senator, of course, in hindsight…
Senator, I’d like to give you that information, but…
I can only recall…
I don’t recall…
I think that’s a fair question, Senator…
Senator, I do recall having a conversation with Mr. Rove…
Senator, I have no recollection about that, but I presume that that is true…
We’ve done great things!
I myself was confused, quite frankly, when I testified…
I believe that I had a good process…
Not the actions of someone with something to hide…
I can only recall…
I don’t recall…
That rationale was not in my mind, as I recall…
Putting it in context, Senator, I would say that my involvement was limited…
I don’t recall everyone who was there…
Senator, there may have been other discussions…
Based on what I thought, what I understood was going on…
My misstatements were my mistakes, no one else’s…
Senator, I don’t want to quarrel with you…
I can only recall…
I don’t recall…
I did not know…
I have no recollection…
I’m not aware of any new facts here…
She’s the other person, quite candidly, Senator, that I don’t recall…
Senator, I don’t recall specifically the genesis of the idea…
I don’t have any recollection about the mechanics of the legislative process…
I have been extremely forthcoming with information…
I can only recall…
I don’t recall…
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/187.html]
more
Fade To Black (Even If A Shock Cut Would Be More Appropriate)
Jack Valenti, head of the Motion Picture of America Association for 40 years, has gone to the big cutting room in the sky. Among his many achievements are the creation of an incomprehensible and patently unfair ratings system and cutting the Canadian film industry off at the knees (or, in the theatres), but he will be mostly remembered for how good he looked in a tuxedo at Hollywood functions.
To celebrate Valenti’s life, Sony will threaten to stop pre-release promotional screenings of its films unless the Canadian government changes its laws to accommodate the company’s paranoia about movie piracy. Shedding a tear, his wife, Mary Margaret Valenti, said, “He would have loved this tribute.”
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
more
It’s An Abortion Of A Decision
In a controversial 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court has upheld the Bush administration’s ban on partial home renovations. Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia wrote: “Respect for property rights finds an ultimate expression in the bond of love the homeowner has for her house… It seems unexceptionable to conclude some homeowners come to regret their choice to alter the building they once moved into and sustained.”
This despite the fact that the American Homeowners Association has stated that there is no such thing as “partial home renovations,” and that any decision to renovate a building must ultimately rest with the owner and her construction crew.
SOURCE: Womyn’s e-Vents
[http://www.womynsevents.fem/article.cfm/dyn/aid/1059]
more
Maybe All That Corner Turning Made Dick Cheney Dizzy
MONDAY: The President says that if we don’t win the war in Iraq, the terrorists will follow us home. What does he think they are: puppies?
TUESDAY: Sarkozy…isn’t that some kind of cancer?
WEDNESDAY: I don’t need colour samples when deciding between different shades of white. All I need is a picture of the 10 candidates for the Republican Presidential nomination.
THURSDAY: I get it. Really. All those people who railed against the United Nations as a “world government?” They aren’t opposed to one world government. They just want it to be our government.
FRIDAY: You never really know how well The Nation will work as a mousepad until you have no choice but to try it…
SATURDAY: Nobody in Washington talks much any more about “turning a corner” in Iraq. Why is that? I thought “turning a corner” was a good phrase, a fine phrase. Did we cut too many corners to turn one? Or has the country been reduced to so much rubble that there are no more walls standing to make corners for us to turn?
SUNDAY: Why doesn’t porn come in raspberry?
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
more
O.h M.y G.o.d – G.et Th.em O.f.f O.f M.e!
Period pollution: dots inexplicably appearing in the midd.le of wo.rd.s. Period pollution actually began in the dark ages, when random flicks of ink from the quills of scribes would make their way into illuminated manuscripts. However, it has reached its zenith thanks to the Internet, where spammers insert periods into many words, especially in the subject headings of email, to avoid spam-blocking software. Period pollution is the final insult that has driven many lexicographers, already upset over the widespread improper use of commas, over the edge.
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
more