Thank you, Life With SKInny, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, it was drilled into us that the pen of our aunt was on the table. Not the floor. Not the ceiling (Aunt Bertha had always been skeptical of “the whole gravity schemazzle“). The table. And we thought: Why do we care where our aunt’s pen is? Is it encrusted with gold and precious jewels? Is it culturally significant – perhaps the pen that Moe poked Curly in the eye with in the classic Three Stooges film Boiler Bamboozle? Does it grant wishes? Is it a geni-pen? No? Then, why do we care where it is?
Honestly, Aunt Bertha needs to get over herself.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Good Concept, But Poor Technique – You’re Not Going To Give Charles Boyer Much Competition
According to Merriam-Webster, the word of the year is “illegitimate,” as in “This is an illegitimate government that has passed illegitimate laws; the only path of the true patriot is to fight the illegitimacy with our every last breath!” Searches for the word on merriam-webster.com increased by 17 gazillion per cent from 2021 to 2022. According to – what? No, this isn’t an illegitimate news article! It’s the tru – no, we’re not trying to gaslight you!
Humph! We live in such untrusting times.
SOURCE: Oaf Keepers Home
[http://oafkeepers.org/]
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Different Holiday, Same Party Game
Here’s a fun little game you can play to while away the hours this Christmas. We call it The American Mass Shooting Drinking Game. Here are the rules:
1. If a mass shooting occurs in the United States within one week of Christmas, take a swig of beer for every person the shooter kills.
2. If anybody says their “thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their families,” take a shot of Sambuca.
3. If a Democrat says that the Republicans should tone down the rhetoric against [INSERT NAME OF TARGETED GROUP HERE] because it is getting people killed, take a long gulp of hot black coffee.
4. If a Republican says that the killer was crazy, take two swigs of whisky.
5. If the Republican goes on to say that the shooting had nothing to do with the Party’s rhetoric against [INSERT NAME OF TARGETED GROUP HERE], take a shot of vodka.
6. If a Democrat argues that this is why gun control measures are needed, take a long gulp of hot black coffee.
7. If a Republican argues that gun control measures are forbidden by the Constitution because the Founding Fathers anticipated the carnage on American cities and decided it was a necessary price for freedom, drink a glass of gin.
8. If a Democratic gives a lecture on the meaning of “a well regulated militia,” take a long gulp of hot black coffee and a baby aspirin.
9. If a Republican claims Democrats are coming for your guns because they hate your freedom, drink a glass of rye and hit yourself in the head with a hammer.
The last person to pass out in an alcoholic stupor wins. Alternately, if more than one person is conscious (broadly defined) an hour after the game has begun, a tie may be declared at the discretion of the least drunk person at the party.
SOURCE: The Wawaneesa Group Monthly Newsletter
[http://mnc.com/flexmere/ontologicon/wawaneesa/internal/newsletters/December2022.txt]
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Jack Smith? Really? Could They Have Found Anybody More Generic? Was John Doe Unavailable?
Attorney General Merrick Garland has appointed a special counsel to oversee the Justice Department’s investigations into former President Donald Trump. In announcing the appointment of Jack Smith, an international war crimes lawyer and former leader of the DoJ’s public integrity section, Garland hoped to blunt criticism that the investigations were politically motivated.
“Who is Jack Smith?” Sean Hannity did a good job of illustrating the health risks of having an apoplectic seizure on TV. “He’s a lifelong Democrat stooge who takes his orders from George Soros! He’s so left-wing, he won’t eat turkey on Thanksgiving if he doesn’t know which side of the bird the pieces came from! This is a political witch hunt, and Smith is the main witch!”
So, that worked out, then.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2022Nov28.html]
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Who Is So Dumb, They Take The Term “False Flag Operation” Literally?
Brendan Miller, a lawyer for organizers of the self-proclaimed “Freedom Convoy,” has been accusing random people on the street outside the Emergencies Act inquiry of being the person who carried a Nazi flag to the protest on behalf of the Liberal government; the man’s goal was to discredit the convoy as being full of extremists. “Are you my flaggy?” Miller was reported to have demanded of passersby. “What about you? Are you my flaggy?”
“Umm, yeah, it was kind of…weird,” commented one of the accostees, Gerard DiFoglio, a freelance lemur flagellater from Hull. “You know, me being Hindu and all. But I keep my flag in a chest and only take it out on religious holidays, so it wasn’t me who did…whatever that crazy man thinks I did.”
The inquiry continues.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20221126.eladvote1126_@/BNStory/newsOops2022/]
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“…And That’s Why We Need To Drill For Oil On Public Lands!”
“I was watching this movie called Fright Night, Freak Night or some type of night. But it was about vampires. I don’t if you know, but vampires are some cool people, are they not? But I’m gonna tell you something that I found out: a werewolf can kill a vampire. Did you know that? I never knew that. So, I don’t want to be a vampire any more. I want to be a werewolf.”
– Georgia Republican Senate candidate Herschel Walker
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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It’s A Trick Question: They Lost Their Souls When They Became Business Leaders
The Alberta Premier and many of her cabinet members are personally calling event organizers and businesses with vaccine mandates and asking them to consider killing their customers. “It may seem counter-intuitive,” admitted Premier Danielle Smith, “but the number of customers you gain from dropping the mandate will more than make up for the number you will lose to COVID.”
Some business leaders privately questioned if this was the best use of the time of some of the most senior politicians in the province. However, most were secretly calculating how many customers they could kill before they lost their souls.
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2022/11/26/thedieiscast221126]
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