Thank you, Jocosa Fluitt, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. You know, it’s funny, but these are the articles we would have liked to have read if we were subscribers. GET OUT OF OUR HEADS, YOU DIRT EATING ESPER!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Red From Embarrassment? Blue With Regrets? Purple Prose?
Whoever thought of making the 9/11 Commission Report into a colouring book?
It’s brilliant.
What was once a thoroughly unreadable tome full of bureaucratic prose is now a fun-filled activity book. And, at 1,200 pages, you’ll be working on it for months, giving you plenty of time to contemplate the government’s botched role in keeping America safe from terrorists.
Kids will love it, too.
If only it came with crayons!
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.41.13/cgi/NGoto/2/64352821?3417]
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If The Bar Was Set Any Lower, We’d Need A Backhoe To Dig It Up
Supporters of Israel claim that critics of its policies in places like Gaza and Lebanon are holding it to a higher standard than other countries in the region. Considering how many of the leaders of countries in the region have been compared to Nazis, shouldn’t Israel be held to a higher standard? I mean, wouldn’t it want to?
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1293861590225]
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No, Seriously, Where Have I Heard This Before?
The dorsalis pugnacium is a small species of dolphin that spends most of its time watching World Wrestling Entertainment bouts on pay-per-view, to the point where it forgets to eat for days on end. Marine biologists believe that this is the primary reason that the species is on the verge of extinction.
SOURCE: Wiwipedia
[http://en.wiwipedia.org/wiwi/Stupid_dolphin]
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It Makes More Sense If You Read It With A Cockney Accent
In a headline last week, I compared the current popularity of references to Nazis to references to the Beatles. I wasn’t saying Nazis were bigger than the Beatles or better than the Beatles. I was just saying…
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Mitt The Nit
Massachusetts Governor and 2008 Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney said on Thursday his administration’s new restrictions on stem cell research are aimed at heading off an “Orwellian” future. What a goof! Everybody knows that genetic engineering was a central feature of Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World, not George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-four!
If Romney really wants to make an Orwellian reference, he could start by referring to the Bush administration’s silence on its relationship with Osama bin Laden during the Afghan war against Russia. Talk about pushing something down the Memory Hole!
Or he could refer to the Bush administration’s illegal wiretapping and development and use of sophisticated data mining techniques. They make Big Brother look like a Sob Sister!
Or he could refer to the Bush administration’s silence on its relationship with Saddam Hussein during Iraq’s war with Iran. Is America at war with Eurasia or Eastasia this week?
Or he could refer to the Bush administration’s ever-changing rationale for the war in Iraq. Double-think was never doubler.
Or…
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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The White Man’s Burden v 2.0
“We must bring civilization to the African barbarians.”
– 19th century
“We must bring democracy to the Middle Eastern barbarians.”
– 21st century
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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No, Don’t Fall Asleep! This Is Important!
How can you tell the difference between those still running in the Liberal leadership campaign?
Stephan Dion is not the last surviving member of the famous Canadian quintuplets.
Hedy Fry was not Jennifer Jason Leigh’s character in Single White Female.
Michael Ignatieff was not your grade three English professor, although the resemblance may be startling.
Martha Hall Findlay is not somebody you have ever heard of.
Gerard Kennedy did not star in The Phantom of the Opera.
Carolyn Bennett was not the host of a variety show also starring Harvey Korman, Tim Conway and Vicki Lawrence.
Bob Rae was the Premier of Ontario, but if you ask him or anybody who works for his campaign, he’ll deny it.
I hope this helps.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1188321831813&call_pageid=968435578492&col=968777972164]
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Sarcastic Bastard…I Hope…
I used to see the world as a complex place full of shadows. I was wrong. My current philosophy can be boiled down to a small number of self-evident truths.
Criticism of the Bush government is anti-Americanism.
Criticism of the Olmert government is anti-Semitism.
Criticism of the war – any war – is lack of support for the troops.
Surveillance is freedom.
Life is so much simpler, now. Why did I resist the truth for so long…?
SOURCE: Bill’s Bitter Pill’s
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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Ach Du Lieberman!
During his failed bid for the Democratic nomination for his Connecticut Senate seat, Joe Lieberman claimed, “I think it’s time for somebody to break through and say, ‘Hey, let’s cut out the partisan nonsense.’” Members of the Bush administration just called members of your party Nazi sympathizers, Joe. Who, exactly, is responsible for this partisan nonsense of which you so eloquently speak?
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/news/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/living/1106349800063469.xml]
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The Crocodiles Aren’t Shedding Any Tears
Crikey! Celebrity wild animal poker and environmentalist Steve Irwin has poked his last wild animal. He was killed yesterday by a stingray. Now who will poke the wild animals that need to be poked?
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2006/2006/09/03/irwinsnaturaldisaster/]
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Iggy Pops The Questions
Seven questions to annoy…Michael Ignatieff:
1. Has there ever been a time in human history when torture has not been used to further barbarism and human degradation?
2. What in the name of the deity made you think that the United States was going to be any different?
3. Do you believe that the families of the civilians who have died in Iraq are happy that the Americans have “liberated” them? Because, I gotta tell ya, they don’t seem to be.
4. Have you ever noticed – and, keep in mind that this will be strictly between you and me – that the countries the United States tries to make more “democratic” always seem to hold a strategic interest for the US? Well, did ya? Hunh? Did ya ever notice? I’m only asking…
5. Aren’t you embarrassed by the seven full pages devoted to you by the Globe and Mail?
6. Why not?
7. When you lose the Liberal leadership, will you immediately fly back to the United States, or will you stay a couple of days to meet with friends and family before you fly back to the United States?
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20060902.eladvote0902_@/BNStory/questionsIggyGetsWiggy/]
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If Only Paramount Had Known This Would Happen…!
Remember when actor Tom Cruise reamed out actress Brooke Shields for taking antidepressants after her daughter’s birth, saying it was against his Scientological religion? Of course you do – it’s not like our smotheringly blanket coverage of the actor has given you the opportunity to forget.
Well, according to Shields, Cruise has given her a “heartfelt” apology. However, according to a spokesman for Cruise, he has not changed his position on antidepressants. This whole episode is just another reminder that, in the right role, Cruise can be a brilliant actor.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2006/2006/09/03/cruiseoutofcontrol]
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I’d Hate To Know What Losing Conditions Are…
With the capture of Hamed Jumaa Farid al-Saeedi, the second in command of Al Qaeda in Iraq, a largely fictitious terrorist organization, Iraqi officials proclaimed confidence that the violence in that country would decrease. A day later, the bodies of 33 dead Iraqis were found in Baghdad.
“Thirty-three bodies?” Iraqi President Jalal Talabani commented. “Only 33? That’s a peaceful day in Iraq! You see? We are winning!”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2006Sept03.html]
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Step Away From That Edge! We Don’t Want Anybody To Get Hurt!
Sucking chest wound edge: the absolute newest, most up to date idea or object. Replaces the phrase “bleeding edge,” which replaced the phrase “cutting edge.” EXAMPLE: Bill’s theory of quantum flakiness is on the sucking chest wound edge of the field.
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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