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You Knew Alcohol Must Have Been Involved At Some Point
The CIBC Party Drinking Game
Collect all of the faxes from the Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce that have been mistakenly sent to you and your friends over the past year. Shuffle them and place them face down in the middle of a table. Turn them over one at a time and do the following:
* take a sip of wine every time a fax mentions a customer’s account balance
* take a second sip of wine if the account balance is negative
* take a deep swig from a bottle of beer every time a fax refers to a customer’s mortgage
* chug a bottle of beer if the fax discusses foreclosing on a customer’s mortgage
* take a sip of hard liquor for every credit card a customer has that is mentioned in a fax
* take an additional sip for every card that is within $100 of its limit
* chug a glass of hard liquor if the fax mentions freezing the customer’s bank account
The last person remaining conscious should collect the faxes and put them in a reasonably safe place so that the game can be played next weekend.
SOURCE: aye Weakly
That Shoots Down That Theory…Or, Does It?
After two years, the American military is planning on conducting another full flight test of its missile defence system. It’s just waiting for the right weather conditions, because, as everybody knows, rogue nations bent on attacking the United States will be scared off by a little rain. Maybe they think their missiles will melt. According to military sources, the interceptor actually shooting down the target was not a primary goal of the mission. Naïve viewers might find this hard to believe. They should keep in mind what the primary goal of the mission really is: to get another $100 billion appropriation from Congress.
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
I Wasn’t Sayin’ I Was Bigger Than God Or Better Than God But Whoa That Colin Farrell
John Lennon famously (or infamously – it’s a fine line, and only two additional letters) claimed that The Beatles were bigger than god. Are celebrities really more important to most people than god? Let’s compare:
| Object of Worship | God | Celebrity |
|---|---|---|
| Looks Like | George Burns | Colin Farrell |
| Publicly Acts Like | Godzilla | Mother Teresa |
| Privately Acts Like | Mother Teresa | Godzilla |
| Hangs With | androgynous angels | Angelina Jolie |
| Promise | eternal salvation after death | fun in the here and now |
| Threat | eternal hellfire after death | social ostracism for life |
Now, honestly – who would you rather worship?
SOURCE: Unicycle
For Those Who Can’t Afford A Tummy Tuck For The Holidays, The Next Best Thing
Price: $24.95
Time Left: 3 days
7 day listing
Ends Dec-10-04 21:00:00 PDT
Start Time: Dec-03-04 21:00:00 PDT
Quantity: 10,000 pressed, only 237 still available
History: Not available in stores! Not available through any special TV offer! Only for the holidays, through the magic of the Internet, direct from the operating theatre to you!
Item Location: LA, but will ship anywhere on the planet (rates negotiable).
Description: From the operating room of the hottest plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills comes the hottest CD of the holiday season: Driller, Vol. 1. This is the soundtrack to the operations of some of America’s biggest stars! Includes: “Blitzkrieg Bop” (played during liposuctions), “Mother’s Little Helper” (facelifts) and “Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady” (breast augmentations). If you’ve never wanted to have cosmetic surgery, this collection of hot tunes may be just the thing to get you on the operating table!
SOURCE: ehBay
That’s What You Get For Buying Cheap Fabric
The Supreme Court of Canada has given Parliament the okay to enact legislation legalizing same sex marriage. Within minutes of the decision, hundreds of thousands of heterosexual couples filed for divorce, the crime rate rose 300 per cent and the number of children drinking lighter fluid to escape their mundane middle class existences skyrocketed. Hmm…maybe the fabric of Canadian society really was threatened by same sex marriage. Who knew?
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
Movie Reviewing Is Hard…Well, Some Of The Time
Big One: With the rise of inexpensive digital cameras and the Internet, celebrity sex videos have become increasingly popular. The latest is the Paris Hilton sex tape. Now, I must admit, I was never a big fan of her reality TV series, and this video has exactly the same problems: Hilton is kind of cute, but she has the personality of muddy dishwater.
Thin One: Oh, Big One, I think you’re being too harsh. You don’t expect great acting from porn videos.
Big One: That’s true, but celebrities already project larger than life personalities – that’s part of what makes them celebrities…well, most of them, anyway. In any case, there are other problems with the Paris Hilton video: it jumps around without any logic, some of it is too dark to make out what the figures are doing to each other and it doesn’t really build to a proper climax. Flaccid penis from me.
Thin One: Oh, I couldn’t agree more. The Paris Hilton video does jump around without any logic, parts of it are too dark and there really is no attempt to build a credible sexual experience.
Big One: Didn’t I just say that?
Thin One: So, that’s two penises way down.
SOURCE: Another Overwrought At the Movies Parody
Al Qaeda’s Worst Nightmare: A Fox Commentator With A Microphone
After addressing troops stationed in Kuwait, US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld came under heavy fire. When one soldier complained of having to root through scrap to armour his vehicle, Rumsfeld replied, “As you know, you go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time.” Rumsfeld all but slapped his forehead and exclaimed, “You could have had a V-8!”
Meanwhile, back home, Fox commentator Bill O’Reilly blasted the troops who asked the hard questions, saying they weren’t properly supporting American troops abroad, and suggesting that a few months in the desert might give them a different perspective on things. Then, he went to a commercial break to wipe the flecks of foam from his mouth.
Hmm…soldiers asking hard questions and journalists attacking anything that moves…maybe they should trade places…
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor