Thank you, Herminia Contreras, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, a friend told us what she was reading in the tabloids (which, of course, we never read ourselves), and we realized that Lindsay Lohan is such a troubled child. Like, really badly troubled. The alcohol. The drugs. The naked photos making their way onto the Internet (if there’s one thing we’ve learned about modern celebrity, it is that naked photos always make their way onto the Internet – never fully remove your clothes). Rehab doesn’t take and the threat of jail doesn’t seem to move her. The thing is, she was brought up all wrong – her parents were seriously messed up. What she needs is a stable, loving environment in which to grow.
So, we’re thinking of adopting Lindsay Lohan.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
A Man In His Position Can’t Be Too Careful
Vice President Dick Cheney had an operation that placed a new heart monitor in his chest. The monitor is there to warn doctors if his heart shows any signs of starting to function.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2007Jul26.html]
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If Your Reading Pleasure Was Spoiled, Shame On You!
Okay. All 237 of the spoilers for the last Harry Potter novel that I ran last week were wrong. I accept that. However, to my credit, the second to last spoiler actually accurately described the Russian knock-off Percy Rotter and the Deadly Pomegranate. So, in your face…Russian readers!
SOURCE: Ha Ha Sucker
[http://www.imagearts.edgerton.ca/~AaronParker/haha/home.htm]
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The More Things Change, The More The Bottom Of Your Mattress Looks Good
Current conditions for a foreign company taking over a Canadian company:
1. Do you have enough money?
2. Is anybody paying attention?
3. Will this make it look like the Canadian economy is growing?
Proposed conditions for a foreign company taking over a Canadian company:
1. Do you have enough money…for an ad campaign to explain why the takeover is good for the Canadian economy?
2. Is anybody paying attention…to the Canadian pundits who are making fun of the economic nationalists who are expressing concern over the hollowing out of Canada’s corporate sector?
3. Will this make it look like the Canadian economy is growing?
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=506&dir=bb]
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It’s Worth It Just To See Leonard Rossiter Wearing A Snorkel
10pm. Rising Damp. Rigsby (Leonard Rossiter) has a spot of bother when the entire house is submerged in water in a freak flood. Refusing to entertain the notion that global climate change may be the cause, he blames Smith (Don Warrington). Hilarity – much of which is of an ethnically sensitive nature – ensues.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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We May Not Come To A Consensus On A Definition – BUT THAT’S THE POINT!
“A parliamentary consensus is not the same as all-party agreement. Conservatives need one other party to agree for any resolution to pass. Having more than one party would be superb, but not essential.”
– Hugh Segal, writing about the future of Canada’s Afghanistan mission in the Globe and Mail
“Consensus: noun: agreement in the judgment or opinion reached by a group as a whole.”
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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Who Is Rudyard Griffiths And Why Are People Saying Such Nice Things About Him?
Beats me.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Some Prime Ministers Are So Starved For Affection…
The phone call in which the President praises Canada’s contribution to the war in Afghanistan:
PRIME MINISTER: George?
PRESIDENT: Hey, Stu. How ya doing?
PRIME MINISTER: Steve.
PRESIDENT: I beg your commutation?
PRIME MINISTER: The name’s Steve, actually.
PRESIDENT: Like I said, Stan.
PRIME MINISTER: *Sigh.* About the upcoming summit –
PRESIDENT: You’re doin’ a helluva job supporting our troops in Iraq.
PRIME MINISTER: Uhh, thanks, but, actually, Canadian troops aren’t in Iraq.
PRESIDENT: No? Why not?
PRIME MINISTER: Long story. We are in Afghanistan.
PRESIDENT: Oh. You doin’ good there?
PRIME MINISTER: We think so.
PRESIDENT: Then, good for you.
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/georgeandstu.shtml]
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Unless You’re Dante Alighieri, It Doesn’t Get Any Worse Than That
The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook
by Joshua Piven and David Borgenicht.
Chronicle Books
176 pages
You die.
But, then what do you do for the other 175 pages?
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.41.35/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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The 1960s Are Definitely Over
Famed Swedish filmmaker Ingmar Bergman has died. He was 89. Perhaps best known for –
Holy crap! Famed Italian filmmaker Michelangelo Antonioni has died. He was 94. Jesus! Does god have a problem with post-war art house film?
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Sounds Like Somebody Has A Severe Case Of Subpeonas Envy
MONDAY: According to Harold Bloom, J. K. Rowling used the phrase “stretched his legs” several dozen times in her latest book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Wow. Did he strangle his inner child at birth? As it happens, Bloom was wrong; the phrase does not appear in the book as often as he claimed. I can see one American mind that has definitely closed!
TUESDAY: The latest definition of irony: Monster, an online job listings company, is in such deep financial trouble that it plans to cut 800 positions. Do you think the laid off workers will be able to find new jobs on the Web site? Do you think they’ll want to?
WEDNESDAY: Okay, let me see if I understand this correctly. The Democrats in Congress are issuing subpoenas for such government insiders as Harriet Myers and Karl Rove in order to get to the bottom of administration skullduggery, and the best the Republicans can counter with is to subpoena filmmaker Michael Moore for a trip to Cuba portrayed in his latest film Sicko?
THURSDAY: You’d think all of the partisan US Attorneys the Republicans have put in place would have come up with somebody more devastating to the Democratic cause than Michael Moore, wouldn’t you?
FRIDAY: A modern koan: if two television news helicopters crash while covering a police chase but there are no helicopters left in the air to record the collision, have they really made a worthwhile contribution to their stations’ ratings?
SATURDAY: When somebody prefaces a remark with the phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way,” you know there is no right way to take it.
SUNDAY: I just finished the book Who Cut My Cheese? I wasn’t sure whether to be inspired or to run to get some air freshener.
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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