Thank you, Guy Davilla-Strangiato, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we were standing in a lineup in our local MultiMaxiMegaMart when the middle-aged mom behind us politely screeched the question: “Why are y’all still wearing masks‽”
We answered, “We’re in a movie.” When we noticed the woman turn her head this way and that, we added: “No, don’t look for a camera – you’ll spoil the shot! Just act naturally.” The woman stopped looking around, but started primping her hair.
Don’t tell us Hollywood is in decline!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
NEW STATE TOURISM MOTTO:
Come To Florida, Where Toxic Hellscape Is No Longer Just A Metaphor!
At 2:37 Saturday morning, surrounded by confused janitors and other overnight workers, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signed into law a bill that would allow the state to use radioactive fertilizer waste in road construction. “Think of all the money we’ll save,” DeSantis stated, “because we’ll no longer need street lights.”
When an aide pointed out that phosphogypsum, the radioactive waste, doesn’t actually glow, DeSantis responded: “Oh. Ah. Of course. I knew that. What I meant to say was: think of all the money we’ll save because the roads will melt snow in the winter.”
When the aide corrected him by pointing out that phosphogypsum doesn’t give off heat, the Governor looked annoyed. “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he stated. “I knew that, too. I was just…testing you to see if you knew it. Look. The important thing here is that the fertilizer waste is perfectly harmless. It will make roads that will be so safe you could eat off -“
The aide interrupted to point out that the Environmental Protection Agency had banned the use of toxic phosphate waste in road construction because of the unacceptable risk it posed to road workers, the public and the environment.
“Gee-zuss,” DeSantis groaned, “will somebody get rid of this guy and get me an aide that actually, you know, aids me‽”
SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal
[http://www.earthworstjournal.org/article.php?id=539]
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This Could Be A Long One
Sorry: This Culd Bee A Long Wun
The Hollywould writurs strike is now in it’s second weak.
“Some produkshions have shut down,” admited produsir Dilbert Dottfried. “But the studios are unitted in the need to take a stand agenst writerrs being payd what theyre wurth.”
When asked why, Dottfried shrugged and sed, “Tradishin.”
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2023/2023/05/08/iwouldntbuthollywood/]
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Fox News Has Finally Become All Tuckered Out
The smirk that launched a thousand personal attacks is no longer appearing on Fox “News.” According to “sources” (no doubt with “reasons”), this was the rant that finally caused Fox management to fire him.
You might think that Carlson’s personal association with violence was the key factor. Sure. And you probably think setting your hair on fire is a good cure for a hangover. Fox has been stoking violence against people of colour, Democrats and model train enthusiasts (don’t ask) for years – this is nothing new.
If anything, Fox executives probably objected to Carlson questioning the morality of identifying with violence. “I shouldn’t gloat over his suffering?” That’s so off-brand that it sneaks up on the brand from behind and tickles it under its armpits until it collapses in a fit of laughter!
“If I reduce people to their politics, how am I better than he is?” Hate to break it to you, Tucks old boy, but you’re not: you stoke hatred in the name of corporate profit. But if Carlson had asked the question on air, viewers might have wondered it themselves, and that could be bad for business.
First CNN. Then MSNBC. Now Fox. What’s next for Carlson? Watch the CCTV news show at your kid’s high school!
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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My Money’s On Nobody Placates Reagan
I Know It’s Not Even A Choice – I’m Just From That Generation
6 of one) Elon Musk has told National Public Radio that if it doesn’t start posting on Twitter again, he will give its Twitter handle to another company. Who could he give it to?
a) Neurotic Plutocratic Reactionaries
b) Necrotizing Patrician Racists
c) Nothing Particularly Ruminant
6 of the other) Why would he do this?
a) when you promote freedom of speech, sometimes you have to goose things along
b) NPR? SFW!
c) he hates cattle
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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With Friends Like These, Who Needs Animus?
Yevgeny Prigozhin, leader of the Wagner Group, which has provided troops for Russia’s war in Ukraine, has threatened to pull his mercenaries out of the country if they are not given more ammunition. “The scum that doesn’t give us ammunition will eat their guts in hell,” he said.
Russian ruler Vladimir Putin rolled his eyes. “The people we have to ally ourselves with!” he sighed.
Chinese Premier Xi Jinping rolled his eyes and said, “Tell me about it!”
SOURCE: CBBS News
[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2023/05/06/election/main542815.shtml]
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You Should Ask Yourself If It’s Time To Trade Thomas In For A Newer Model
Oh, Wait – Were You The Person Who Paid Off Kavanaugh’s $200,000 Debt? Maybe You Already Have…
Dear Biz Whiz:
Years ago, I bought a Supreme Court Justice – I thought he was a steal at one $500,000 trip overseas per year. Whether it was killing an eviction ban that was costing my company a lot of our annual income or opening politics up to dark money, I certainly got value for my purchase.
However, there have been hidden costs. For example, I had to pay for the Justice’s grandnephew’s tuition at an expensive private school. I can afford it, but it does make me wonder if there are other hidden costs that I should be worried about. What do you think?
H. Crow
The Biz Whiz:
Harlan, you old buzzard! You know that there’s no honour among Your Honours! If there were, there wouldn’t have been any in stock at Ye Olde Justice Shoppe!
Let’s be honest: do you expect me to believe that there are no hidden fees in your rental agreements? Really? Pull the other one – it plays “Taxman!”
You of all people should appreciate that hidden fees are the cost of doing business. But you also have to admit that business is goooooood!
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=12fx]
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