Thank you, gogogidgetmobile.edu, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we were reading Psychology Today while waiting for the vet to treat our Borgy Porgy’s Ringworldworm (it was either that or Golf Gourmet Monthly, and we figured it wasn’t a good idea to whet our appetites while we were sitting in a room full of gerbils), when we came across the following passage: “Dating opportunities for heterosexual men are diminishing as healthy relationship standards increase.” Standards for healthy relationships are increasing? Whose dumb idea was that‽ We were barely getting dates as it was, and we flossed! …Every couple of days. …With the edge of a matchbook. The point is, we were doing our best, and now somebody is saying that our best is no longer good enough! …Somebody official. …Somebody in print…
And people wonder why online porn is popular!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Justice Is A Dish Best Served In A Restaurant In Another Country
We shouldn’t indict former President Donald Trump for his crimes, because that could incite his volatile base, some of whom might resort to violence in response.
“What do you mean, volatile?” Trump’s base responded. “We’re a sweet-tempered, good-hearted bunch. You better take that back, or we’ll make you!”
I just mean –
“And while we’re on the subject, what right do you have to say some of us could resort to violence? We are the most peace-loving people on the planet! You keep saying shit like that, and somebody could get hurt!”
Was that a threat? Because peace-loving people don’t usually threaten those they disagree with.
“Are you saying we can’t keep our positions straight? That we contradict ourselves? That we don’t know what we’re talking about‽ It’s radical communist Nazis in the media like you who are destroying this country! Better watch your back, words boy, because we know who you are, we know where you live, and we know where you keep your cheese!“
Oh, momma!
SOURCE: Clean Slate
[http://cleanslate.com/id/2001349/]
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Who, When You Point Out His Contradictions, Becomes Incensed?
Okay, It Could Have Been Anybody Who Served In The Trump Administration, But We Were Thinking Of Mike Pence
Yesterday’s Man, Today
If he had been caught by the mob, he would have had no defence.
He was the man they didn’t hang,
But it wasn’t for lack of trying:
While Donald Trump’s praises they loudly sang
His second in command was in need of dying.
Whose reaction to the insurrection was the most intense?
The obvious answer is…Mike Pence.
As cold as ice, around his emotions lies a huge fence.
Nobody knows his reaction to the violence,
Except, perhaps, for his inner circle.
After the riot on the Capitol, all has been silence,
Despite the rolling eyes of world leaders like Angela Merkel.
Who thinks he’s being clever when he’s really being dense?
You’d best believe that it’s Mike Pence.
He was the worst kind of suck-up, didn’t know the meaning of independence,
Always stuck by the side of a cartoon villain.
Even when the man endorsed a vicious attack
And with a shrug said, “My VP? He didn’t stand by me. Kill ‘im.”
For all his obsequiousness, the President never had his back.
Whose loyalty to a madman makes no bloody sense?
You have to know that it’s Mike Pence.
Whose small but crucial role in the Trump circus is due for a comeuppance?
Despite harsh words from the former President he seems to adore
(A most alarming posture),
He seems hell bent on running for President in 2024,
But Trump’s base isn’t likely to put him on the roster.
Whose political ambitions are best spoken of in the past tense?
Damn right, baby – it’s gotta be Mike Pence!
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/837.html]
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Thus, Jesus’ Famous Dictum That It Is Easier For A Camel To Fit Through The Eye Of A Needle Than A Poor Person Be An Honest Politician
“You want to cut down on corruption? It’s good for people to be independently wealthy before they’re in office. This is why, Biblically speaking, most of the prophets were actually kinda wealthy.”
– right-wing commentator Ben Shapiro
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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I Guess We Now Know Where HIS Happy Place Is!
Senator Rick Scott has vowed that if the Republicans win control of Congress in the mid-term elections, they will defund the Internal Revenue Service.
When asked how the government will be able to fund itself if the IRS is abolished, Scott got a distant look and smiled to himself for several minutes, effectively ending the press conference.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/12067496032620770.xml]
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By, For Example, Encouraging The Bodies Of Employees To Function With Fewer Calories
“Private sector has an incentive to improve efficiency”
– Toronto Star
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1676443029]
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The Silver Lining? You Can’t Run Far In A Jail Cell
Okay, so, yeah, Donald Trump is probably looking at a federal indictment, and possibly even some jail time. Democrat Attorney-General Merrick Garland won’t listen to reason on the subject – he is what clinical psychologists refer to as “cookier than the prom of a jitterbug high school!” Don’t take my word for it, folks – it’s in the DMV-5! The good news is that even if he is in prison, he can run for president, and when he wins, he can run the country from his jail cell. There’s plenty of precedent for this. The Godfather, The Wire, Stir Crazy – in all of them, the mob boss found a way of getting messages to his second in command from prison. Donald Trump is much smarter than Gene Wilder, so expect him to find a way!
SOURCE: Turducken Carlson This Late Afternoon
[https://www.fixed.com/turducken-carlson-this-late-afternoon/]
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It Will Be Hard To Top Benghazi, But If Anybody Can Do It…
Representative Kevin McCarthy has vowed that if the Republicans win control of Congress in the mid-term elections, the House would investigate the Department of Justice in response to news that the FBI had executed a search warrant on former President Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago residence.
“You want to conduct a fishing expedition?” McCarthy rhetorically asked. “Baby, I’m going to subject you to the mother of all fishing expeditions! Clear your calendar and make sure you have several years worth of clean underwear handy!”
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2014/ALLPOLITICS/08/14/reps.main/index.html]
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