Thank you, Eudora “Tasty” Bagelmann, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, to celebrate the twentieth anniversary of then-President George W. Bush’s administration lying about Iraq having weapons of mass destruction as a pretext for starting an illegal war of aggression, we baked a cake. It blew up in our faces. We expected no less.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
For Me, Everybody Is Entitled To Equal Ridicule Of The Law
The Donald Trump Freedom From Consequences Algorithm
| 1. | Is the criminal indictment coming from the state or federal level? | |
| STATE | 2. | Do Republicans control the state government? |
| YES | 3. | Have the state government replace the DA with somebody who will stop the indictment. |
| NO | 4. | Appeal! Appeal! Appeal! GO TO 2 |
| FEDERAL | 5. | Do Republicans control Congress and the White House? |
| YES | 6. | Have the Attorney General direct the Department of Justice to drop all charges. If it looks like charges will be brought anyway, have the current Republican president pardon the former president for all crimes he has ever committed anywhere at any time for ever and ever, amen. |
| NO | 7 | Appeal! Appeal! Appeal! GO TO 5 |
Notes
Think there isn’t equal justice under the law in the United States of America? Don’t be ridiculous! It’s a land where anybody can grow up to become president…and stall criminal charges until his allies in government can make them disappear. Justice doesn’t get any more equal than that!
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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No More Gotcha Journalism!
Bethany S. Mandel
@bethanyshondark
You don’t matter, not to me, and probably not to anyone in real life either. It bothers you people so much that I won’t crawl into a ball and shut up. I don’t care about literally anything you say because I have a bestseller and wonderful life off of this stupid app.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=1047&dir=bb]
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Why Does Listening To Music Make Me Hungry So Much Of The Time?
Warm Pepperette,
See the shining case,
Pass before your face.
Warm Pepperette,
Taste the tangy spice,
Taste the meat so nice.
Warm Pepperette chews,
Between your eager teeth,
You can taste the chemicals,
That lie underneath.
Warm Pepperette,
A tang of hotness,
Is in your nose,
The taste of bile,
From your gorge rose.
A tang of hotness,
Is in your nose,
Quick let’s have a snack,
Before we dine.
Of warm Pepperette,
Warm Pepperette.
Warm. Pepperette,
Join the night nosh set.
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/866.html]
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Can Living In A Body Of Water Make Somebody Born Into Wealth Delusional Enough To Believe That They Had A Working Class Background?
Or Possibly Delusional Enough To Believe That Anybody Else Will Believe They Had A Working Class Background?
– “I was geographically raised in Tampa Bay, but culturally my upbringing reflected the working-class communities in western Pennsylvania and northeast Ohio – from weekly church attendance to the expectation that one would earn his keep. This made me God-fearing, hard-working and America-loving.”
– potential Presidential aspirant Ron DeSantis in his recently published political memoir My Lifelong Struggle Against An Adverse Adjective
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Make America Barbaric Again
According to an article in Vanity Fair, if Donald Trump is given a second term, he is considering bringing back hangings, firing squads and possibly guillotines.
At a Second Amendment rally outside the Arizona Capitol in Phoenix, a masked individual who had set up a working guillotine said, “Put me in, coach!”
The news wasn’t universally well received. “I had set up a noose at the Capitol,” a January 6 insurrectionist muttered. “What did Trump do for me at the time? Man, I could really have used me some state sanctioning then!”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2023Mar016.html]
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Vacation? In The Middle Of A War? You Must Be Putin Me On!
INT. OFFICE OF VLADIMIR PUTIN – DAY
Russian President-for-Eternity Vladimir Putin is talking to a WOMAN who holds a clipboard.
VLADIMIR PUTIN: New York?
WOMAN: No.
PUTIN: London?
WOMAN: No.
PUTIN: Paris?
WOMAN: No.
PUTIN: Munich?
WOMAN: No.
PUTIN: Where can I show off – mmm – my military tunic?
PAUSE. Woman looks at the clipboard.
WOMAN: You can go to Crimea.
PUTIN: Crimea?
WOMAN: Umm…yes. Crimea.
PUTIN: Is the Louvre in Crimea?
WOMAN: Well…no…
PUTIN: Is Mets Stadium in Crimea?
WOMAN: No.
PUTIN: Can I see the changing of the guard outside Buckingham Palace in Crimea?
WOMAN: No.
PUTIN: Then, why would I want to go to Crimea?
WOMAN: It boasts many attractions, including the world’s largest ball of ear wax!
PUTIN: (mutters) Damn ICC spoiling all my vacation plans!
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227837]
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Make America Barbaric Again: The Sequel
To celebrate the passage of a bill that would allow companies in Arkannecticut to employ children as young as…whatever their CEO’s conscience would let them get away with, Governor Sarah Wannabe-Panders declared the state’s first “Take Your Parents to Work Day.”
“Parents often don’t know what their children do during the day,” Governor Wannabe-Panders said at the bill signing. “Take Your Parents to Work Day will be a great way for parents to bond with their children over everybody’s contribution to the economy!”
“Our little Balinger was responsible for cleaning up toxic waste spills!” enthused parent Amaranta Desperacion. “And he’s only 14 – imagine the kind of responsibility he will be able to handle when he is fully grown! If the chemicals don’t stunt his growth. Oh, you know what I mean!”
Other parents found the day revelatory. “Our little Martha cut her hands on the saws in the meat packing plant where she works three times in her first month of employment,” Mark Miteelakanoak commented about his 12 year-old daughter. “At first, I thought she was just careless, but when I saw how sharp the blades were, I understood that it wasn’t entirely her fault. So, we agreed that she would just have to be more careful.”
Governor Wannabe-Panders hoped that Take Your Parents to Work Day would be celebrated for years to come. “In Arkannecticut,” she commented, “this is how we celebrate families!”
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32322641314641314687fx]
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