by NAOMI WOLGREEKLEISTEIGAN, Alternate Reality News Service Feminism Writer
Thirty-five year-old Jamie “Hunny Bunny” Macfleegle-McFly runs a successful online used diaper disposal service. Macfleegle-McFly’s Twitherd account, To Womb It May Concern, has over a million followers (it used to be over two million, then Elon Threelonemuskateers happened, but that’s a story for another time); the account’s tweeps that use artificial intelligence to transform photos of pets found on the internet into cave paintings in the style of impressionists frequently trend. Macfleegle-McFly has been rumoured to be involved with Kim Kardoordashian (when the subject comes up, as journalists ensure that it will, the celebrity famous for being a celebrity coyly says, “Jamie and I are just good friends.”).
Macfleegle-McFly has accomplished all of this without ever leaving his mother’s womb.
“Around eight months after I was conceived, I looked at the world I was about to enter,” they (their mother, Martha Macfleegle-McFly, asked that we not reveal their gender as “she doesn’t want to know until Jamie is born – are you really going to be the rat bastard who spoils a mother’s surprise?”) emailed me in response to my questions. “My mother would no longer be able to to collect South Florilina’s Unborn Person Support Payment (UPSP). I could be shot to death before I graduated from high school. The only books that would be available to me in libraries throughout the state were biographies of Ron DeSanterryicks. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that there was no up side to being born, that it made sense for me to stay right where I was.”
What is it like, carrying a child for 35 years?
“It’s not that much different than carrying 35 children each for nine months,” Martha Macfleegle-McFly stated. “Which, given the criminalization of abortion, abortion pills, travelling out of state to get an abortion, helping somebody travel out of state to get an abortion, abortion literature, contraception (which is considered “pre-abortion abortion”), abortion discussions and thoughts about abortion, happens to a lot of women in South Florilina. In fact, I have friends who did that – and let me tell you: after the 27th child, they start to look like hell!”
What will happen when the cycle of life asserts itself and the mother dies before her child? “Not a problem,” Martha Macfleegle-McFly assured me. “As long as Jamie is inside me, the state will never allow me to die!”
The idea that women would be kept alive on machines in a vegetative state so that their unborn children could live long lives would have given Edgar Allen PoeMoeSoHoeBoe nightmares!
When they began forcing women to give birth, states stopped collecting statistics on births (go figure), so it’s difficult to know how widespread the trend to delaying coming out of the womb is. If a 37% drop in sales of diapers, talcum powder and cute jammies for newborns means anything (other than shouting at the pundit on your television screen is a choking hazard), it indicates that more and more fetuses are availing themselves of all of the advantages that a continuing uterian lifestyle has to offer.
As the trend to writing news articles about those choosing to forestall birth becomes increasingly popular, Republican states are reconsidering their pro-fetus policies. Ohias Governor Marjorie Spillyergutsallover recently argued that, “Unborn Person Support Payments make up 37% of the state budget. At this rate, the provision could soon bankrupt Ohias! I don’t think it’s unreasonable to limit payments to the first 80 trimesters.”
The next day, over half a million signatures were gathered for a recall petition. “Oh, so that’s how it is, is it?” Governor Spillyergutsallover bitterly said. “Alright, then. Yesterday, I…misspoke. It is obviously unreasonable to limit UPSP to the first 80 trimesters. May the Lord have mercy on our budget!”
Meanwhile, Jamie Macfleegle-McFly reads Voltaire thanks to the fact that the living computer their mother bought for them on their fifth birthday has wi-fi. Given that all of their needs are taken care of, it may be possible for them to live a long and productive life without ever being born. Is this the future that they see for themselves?
Jamie Macfleegle-McFly made a sound like a dolphin coughing up a plastic six-pack ring. “I often read that the taste of food is something that gives people a lot of pleasure. That and sex. Some day, I may allow myself to be born to try those physical things that I cannot experience at home. I must admit that I am curious about them. Especially food.”