Thank you, Daisy Cheyne, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Have you ever noticed, like, that, err, like, colours, man. Why isn’t purple, like, orange?
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The Daily Me Staff
Worth A Shot…You Should Be Shot…It’s Such A Fine Line…
Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty has said that Islamic sharia law will not be used to arbitrate disputes in the province. To be fair, the Liberal government has decided to end the practice of faith-based arbitrations for all religious groups.
In response, John Tory, leader of the Conservative Party, claimed that high taxes were actually a plot by Islamic fundamentalists to undermine the province. “Yeah, yeah,” he said, warming to the topic, “and don’t radical Islamists just love how all of our environmental protection laws are an economic burden on Ontario’s economic growth!”
Can’t you just feel the excitement building in anticipation of the return of the provincial legislature?
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
Well, He’s No Einstei – Oh, Actually…
From Einstein = mc2, the personal blog of Albert Einstein:
Thursday, September 15. Rode a bicycle for a few minutes. Looked at something called a “television” – wasn’t impressed. Still thinking about ways to combine sub-atomic and galactic gravitational forces.
Wednesday, September 14. Gums still bleed when I brush my teeth – must see a dentist, but don’t really want to. If I hear one more comment about my hair –! Still thinking about ways to combine sub-atomic and galactic gravitational forces.
Tuesday, September 13. Wrote letter to President urging him to stop work on nuclear weapons. Noted that many of the new female students are beautiful – something about the fall. Shower head still squeaks – must ask landlord to look into this. Still thinking about ways to combine sub-atomic and galactic gravitational forces.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32622641318321614387sf
Street – For No Apparent Reason, Fushizzle
Yo! Props to my main bitch Treasury Secretary John Snow, who said, “The fruits of strong economic growth are not spreading equally.” Word up!
Oh, and a big shout out to Phillip Swagel of the conservative American Enterprise Institute. Phillip said: “The gains from the recovery haven’t really filtered down. The gains have gone to owners of capital and not to workers.” Speak truth to power, motherfucker. Speak truth to power.
SOURCE: What Up Dawg Blog
http://niggerisoffensivebutniggazisnt.blogspec.com
Tsk Tsk, The Violence – What Am I Teaching The Children?
In a recent column, I suggested that somebody smack Ben Mulroney, host of Canadian Idol and smarmy celebrity-hound. My reasoning was that it was really former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney who deserved to be smacked, but since he wasn’t likely to be in a public or other place where smacking him would be possible for most Canadians, smacking his son would have to do.
This was wrong of me.
Ben Mulroney is a smarmy celebrity-hound who deserves to be smacked in his own right. I regret any distress that my mistake may have caused.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
https://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca
John Kerry Has A Few Choice Adjectives, Too
To be Swift Boated (verb): to be the subject of vicious personal attacks involving innuendoes, misrepresentations and outright lies. EXAMPLE: It’s bad enough that the President isn’t willing to meet with Cindy Sheehan, but now she is being Swift Boated by supporters of the war in Iraq.
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html
Because T. S. Eliot Is Dead, And I’m Not
April is the cruelest month
May is always short of money
June has never been laid, not once
And July dresses funny
August has no taste in music
September lies in its diary
October always call in sick
And November prefers meat that’s thin and wiry
December suffers many a headache
January has two left feet
February doesn’t know when to take a break
And March will never feel complete
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/21.html
Broken Record
President Bush has announced his nominee for Chief Justice of the Supreme Court: a man in hospital suffering from amnesia. Since he doesn’t even remember his own name, the nominee has been called Chief Justice Select John Doe. “Let’s see the Democrats probe his record!” Bush cackled.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2005Sep11.html
Hey! – I’m Only Asking
You know, sooner or later, Christopher Hitchens is going to realize that the Bush Administration didn’t invade Iraq because it wanted to spread democracy throughout the world. Perhaps he will stumble upon some of the Project for the New American Century documents and realize that invasion was the Bush administration’s first step in projecting American power throughout the world. Maybe he will realize that the only countries the government seems to “bring democracy” to have tons of oil. Maybe he will remember that, under international law, one country cannot invade another regardless of how horrific its government is, because that would lead to international anarchy.
At that point, Hitchens will likely return to the fold of progressive journalists. In the meantime, is it too much to ask that he just shut the fuck up?
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
http://www.bigred.commie/articles/35.htm
The Part Where I Actually Help You
Transcript of a conversation between Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco and an unidentified bureaucrat at the Federal Emergency Management Agency.
BLANCO: Oh, my god, the devastation! The destruction! It’s worse than I could ever have imag –
FEMA: May I help you, ma’am?
BLANCO: Oh, god, yes! Send me everything you’ve got!
FEMA: Could you be more specific, ma’am?
BLANCO: Everything! We need everything!
FEMA: Ma’am, I’m sorry, but we have ways of doing things here at FEMA.
BLANCO: Oh, for crying out loud, WHAT PART OF EVERYTHING DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?
FEMA: Well, ahh, everything.
BLANCO: Whatever help you can send us, we’ll take.
FEMA: If you wouldn’t mind filling out the forms that specify exactly what it is you are requesting…
BLANCO: You know what? I think I gotta fish some bodies out of the river that used to be Canal Street. Thanks for nothing.
FEMA: Glad I could be of help. If you need our assistance in the future, please don’t hesitate to call.
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/brokenfema.shtml
Bragging Rights On Bloor
Oh, my god! Check it out! Check it out! Check it out! It’s Johnny Depp, hanging out in Yorkville because of the Toronto International Film Festival. Well, actually, it isn’t Depp – he was moving a little too fast for me to aim my camera. He obviously had somewhere important to go. Stars. But, you can sort of see a small piece of him – could that be his back? Man, I love living in this town!
And, yes, that is Kirsten Dunst. Isn’t she adorable? Okay, she looks kind of like a big black man – that’s her next role! She’s going to play one of Eddie Murphy’s relatives in the next Nutty Professor movie! And, she announced it at the Festival! She’s an amazingly versatile actor, don’t you think?
Did I, err, mention how much I love this town?
SOURCE: Jennifer’s Brain Blorts
http://weblogger.brainblorts.home.html
City Council Must Be Full Of Replicants
Toronto has finally found a solution to its litter problem: 18 foot wide trash bins on every street corner. There’s no room left on the sidewalk to throw trash! Not only that, but, given the potential advertising space, it’s like living inside Blade Runner!
SOURCE: aye Weakly