Thank you, Busty Redsprings, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, it’s a fine line between irreverent and irrelevant. We know because we cross it all the time. The name of the guard at the border between the two is Chuck. He seems to be there no matter what time of day or night we cross; we suspect he’s not entirely human. Chuck seems pleasant enough for a suspected non-human – the only time he has ever hassled us was when we asked after the health of his mom, and even then all he did was demand a fruit pie as the cost of passage. It didn’t matter what fruit, either, as long as it wasn’t foozleberry. Chuck has a foozleberry allergy: if he gets even the slightest taste of the exotic fruit, he breaks out in higher mathematics. But, ahh, this is irrelevant, isn’t it?
When we cross back over into irreverence, we’ll be sure to say hi to Chuck for you.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
And You Thought Your Childhood Memories Were Embarrassing!
“Dark days for Americar, people. Dark days. While you’re here stuffing your faces with cake – which isn’t that great, by the way – they make much better cake at Trump Towers – you know they do – and wondering when the best time would be to make a move on Timmy’s mom – troops from Russiar are getting slaughtered by Ukrainian Nazis. Innocent Corporals and Sergeants who just want to liberate a country and go home are being attacked by yokels who don’t know a bomb from a bayonet. Believe me, this would never have happened if I was still President. Which, legally, I am. And I will be again. Everybody thinks so. Even Timmy’s mom. Hi, Timmy’s mom! Anybody tell you how hot you are, lately?”
How desperate is former President Donald Trump to get attention? Yesterday, he grabbed the microphone away from a clown who was performing at a five year-old’s birthday party. By the end of his 40 minute rant, several children were crying and at least three parents swore that they would never allow their kids to play with the Timson kids again.
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2022/ALLPOLITICS/03/18/reps.main/index.html]
The Fat Lady Has Sung…About The Fat Lady Singing Being A Cliche
The Metropolitan Opera will stage a benefit concert in support of Ukrainian relief efforts. Oddly enough, Anna Netrebko will not be invited to contribute.
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
When He Realized That He Was Calling The Russian Foreign Minister A Liar, Carlson Spent Three Hours Watching The Rachel Maddow Show As Penance
Russia’s foreign minister, Sergei Lavrov, has praised Fox News for its coverage, appearing on the Russian state-controlled RT network to hail the right-leaning US cable channel, whose primetime host Tucker Carlson has played down the invasion. After weeks of seemingly defending Vladimir Putin and having clips of his show played on Russian state media, Tucker Carlson is taking umbrage at being called an enabler for Russian disinformation.
“If you take the United States, only Fox News is trying to present some alternative point of view,” he said. “In other words, not only are we wrong – which is fine – we’re disloyal Americans doing the bidding of a foreign power,” Carlson said. “It’s not fine. It’s slander.”
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
Don’t Say “Fascist”
1 is the loneliest number) Match the law with the penalty and jurisdiction.
a) “Don’t say, ‘gay.'”
b) “Don’t say, ‘war.”
c) “Don’t say I didn’t warn you!”
i) going to bed without your dinner
ii) parents can sue school districts
iii) up to 15 years in prison
I) Russia
II) your childhood
III) Florida
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
more
Five Thousand Dollars Can Go A Long Way To Paying Your Annual Therapist’s Fees
The Ontario government has announced plans to give nurses in the province a $5,000 bonus to show its appreciation for the work they have done during the pandemic.
“That’s nice,” nurses responded, “but a permanent raise would be better.”
“Yes, we really appreciate the job our nurses do,” the province repeated. “That’s why we’re going to give them a $5,000 bonus.”
“It’s not that we’re ungrateful,” the nurses pointed out, “but if you really wanted to show your appreciation, you would open up more nursing positions in the province to lighten our horrendous workload.”
Through gritted teeth, the province insisted, “$5,000. Appreciation. Live with it!”
SOURCE: The Medical-Industrial Complex
[http://www.medical-industrial-complex.org/journals/micx/nursing_grievances/secure/2_pds.htm]
Outrage: Not Just For People Who Hate Homosexuals Any More
Yes, it’s terrible the way Russians in the United States are being indiscriminately bombed out of their homes, forcing them to flee the country in fear for their lives. It is truly horrendous how their hospitals, schools and places of worship are considered legitimate military targets and reduced to rubble. Our hearts should go out to Russians in America, and we should do everything in our power to end their opp –
Wait, what the hell am I talking about?
Wait, what the hell am I talking about? What the hell is right wing goadfly (their inflammatory rhetoric is so extreme that now they’re pissing off insects!) Candace Owens talking about?
Her political calculation is hard to parse:
if Russia = aggressive warmonger
if Black Lives Matter = legitimate social protest group
therefore Russia = Black Lives Matter?
The math is a little wonky (in the same way as saying that on its maiden voyage the Titanic took on a little water). If nothing else, it should cause everybody to wonder just how effective the private school system in the basket of deplorables is.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
The Song Will Be A Little Bit Country/A Little Bit Rock And Roll
Dolly Parton, the nicest person in the music business – and quite possibly in the world – has asked for her name to be removed from consideration for a spot in the rock and roll hall of fame. Her reasoning is that she is not primarily a rock singer, and she doesn’t want to take votes away from more legitimate acts. What did we say about the whole nice thing?
The hall of fame has said that her name will remain on the ballot and that voters could decide if she gets in or not. So far, Parton hasn’t responded, but we’re sure she’ll do what she always does in situations like this: write a song about it.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2022/2022/03/16/wellpartonus/]