Thank you, BlackCat2072 for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we removed all of the links to Web sites with information on terrorists organizations, Web sites with links to other Web sites with information on terrorist organizations, Web sites with funny Arabic names that might be confused with the Web sites of terrorist organizations and Web sites that have nothing to do with terrorism, but probably piss off Attorney General John Ashcroft anyway. Several iterations later, we finally had enough articles to send to you.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Remember: Ralph Is Also A Verb…
Before the federal election, Alberta Premier Ralph Klein stated, “I love puppy dogs and wide-eyed kittens.” Klein was hoping to stem accusations that he was against cute animals, accusations that could have hurt the chances of the federal Conservative Party. Now that the election is over, he has released the full text of his statement which reads: “I love puppy dogs and wide-eyed kittens medium rare with a side order of curly fries and an ice cold beer.” Albertans shrugged and said, “That’s our Ralph.”
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
Ten easy steps to spiritual enlightenment.
1. There is no easy way to become spiritually enlightened.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
SOURCE: Unicycle
It’s The End of the World As We Know It…
International money markets are concerned that there could be a minority government in Canada, since they detest political instability.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
International money markets shrug off the election of a minority government in Canada, since the Liberals have a lot of experience running the country and Prime Minister Paul Martin has proven himself to be fiscally responsible.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
The Kinder Rack, The Gentler Thumbscrews
New research into the period known as The Spanish Inquisition has found that it wasn’t as bad as people have been led to believe say historians for the Vatican. Georges Cardinal Donbottier explained, “There was a very pleasant tea every afternoon at four, and we mustn’t forget the sing-a-longs that took place every Friday night.” Not finding this new, improved Inquisition to his liking, Cardinal Ratzinger scowled from a dark corner.
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
Like, He’s Totally Cool and With It…For a Politician…
Dennis Kucinich didn’t get the Democratic Presidential nomination, but his attempt wasn’t a total loss: he managed to get a date through the Internet while he was running. In a Teen Persons exclusive, Kucinich agreed to share some of his dating secrets with us:
- Flowers and chocolates may seem old-fashioned, but they still make a good impression.
- Don’t expect a woman to put out on the first date.
- Don’t add riders benefiting your state to important financial bills – it’s just tacky.
SOURCE: Teen Persons
In a designing process of exhaust manifold, in which high temperature gas blows down, the heatproof characteristic of the material is an important factor. This particular example posts that the heat transfer coefficients between the pipe and exhaust rise up sharply in the rendezvous area of branches. It is also clear that the reason mainly comes from the higher velocity of the exhaust at that point. If we take a conventional approach using structured mesh, it would be many hours of work to set up hexahedral elements that correctly represents the topology of a manifold, and it may take days to conduct a whole analysis.
SOURCE: Mike’s Ultimate Garage Page
What Mission? How Was It Accomplished?
The United States Securities and Exchange Commission is investigating allegations that a Halliburton subsidiary paid $180 million in bribes to get a natural gas pipeline in Nigeria. Dick Cheney, who was the Chief Executive Officer of Halliburton at the time and is currently rumoured to be the Vice President of the United States, responded to the allegations by saying, “The SEC wants a piece of me? Bring it on!”
SOURCE: Business Law Daily
The Airbags Are Used Birthday Balloons
An Arizona car dealer will soon become the first to sell a full line of inexpensive Chinese-made vehicles. The cars are made with chicken wire and chewing gum, have a nasty habit of crumpling when anybody gives them a dirty look and belch dark smoke into the air even before you turn the engine on. “That’s just nitpicking, that is,” commented David Shelburg, the dealer. “It’s the sad chorus of American automakers who don’t want to do what they have to to compete in the international marketplace.”
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
Yeah, yeah, I know there’s dozens of anti-Bush books out there, some even making it onto the New York Times bestseller lists. Like I care. It’s not just that Das Kapital has been on the Times bestseller list since its inception while The Rapture 27: Naked In Heaven doesn’t even get an honourable mention – what would you expect from that Commie rag? No, it’s just that I know that nobody in the country reads any more.
You know who really burns my patootie? Michael Moore. It’s not just that that the sorry scumbag was in cahoots with Hilary Clinton to murder Tinkerbell to ensure that Captain Hook triumphed over Peter Pan – come on, we’re all adults, here. No, it’s just that his lies are in a movie. A movie! Liberals can have all the books they want, but common, decent people control television and radio, and Michael Moore wants to change all that!
And, Al Franken? Don’t get me started…!
SOURCE: Rush Limburger Home Page
Would You Really Want To Know How It Was Consummated?
“The reason I keep insisting that there was a relationship between Iraq and Saddam and Al Qaeda is because there was a relationship between Iraq and Al Qaeda.”
– President George W. Bush
REASON: noun. A declaration made to explain or justify action, decision, or conviction.
INSISTING: verb, intransitive. To be firm in a demand or course; to refuse to yield.
RELATIONSHIP: noun. The condition or fact of being related; connection or association.
WAS: noun. First and third person singular past indicative of be.
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page