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The People Have Spoken…Was Anybody Listening?
Throughout the federal election, we have been soliciting the opinions of ordinary Canadians. This week, we asked Julian Montalbani, a 45 year-old busboy, what he thought the major issues in the election were.
“Well, the way I see things, this election comes down to a choice between a man who supports the dissemination of child pornography and the Pillsbury dough boy. On the issues, I may have to give the edge to the child pornographer – he’s a chomper, and well, that’s the way I’ve always eaten cold substances.”
So, uhh, who is he going to vote for?
“Vote for? Didn’t Spliffy the Beaver already win?”
It’s good to see the older generation so involved with the political process.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
SOURCE: Harpo’s
I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream For…Electoral Politics?
You can tell a lot about a politician by the way he eats ice cream. For instance, Conservative Party leader Stephen Harper is a licker – this means he is tentative or, if you prefer, cautious in his approach to life. Liberal leader Paul Martin, on the other hand, bites into his ice cream. This means that he’s aggressive, tackling problems head-on – or, if you prefer, impulsive, biting off more than he can chew and risking brain freeze. NDP leader Jack Layton doesn’t eat ice cream – it’s bad for his figure – and Gilles Duceppe of the Bloc Quebecois only eats French vanilla. Go figure.
SOURCE: LotsMusic
The President, watching the terrorist violence swirl all around him, decided to attack Iraq. The CIA reported that Iraq had no ties with Al Qaeda and was in no way connected to the 9/11 terrorist attack on the United States. The President just smiled and said, “I get my orders from god, and he would tell me if Iraq was the wrong target.”
After the invasion and occupation of Iraq, the commission charged with investigating the intelligence failures of 9/11 reported that there was no credible evidence to suggest that Iraq had been involved with the terrorist attack. The President just smiled and said, “I get my power from the good lord, and he would have let me know if the invasion of Iraq wasn’t the right thing to do.”
Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein was captured by American forces and thoroughly interrogated. Despite their best efforts to determine otherwise, they had to report that he gave no credible evidence of complicity with Al Qaeda in any of its operations, especially its terrorist attack on the US. The President just smiled and said, “If he hadn’t been in cahoots with Al Qaeda, god would have told me.”
In due course, the President grew old and died. When he got to heaven, he asked for and was granted a meeting with god. “So,” the President asked, “Iraq was behind the terrorist attack on 9/11, right?”
“Of course not,” god replied. “Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with it.”
The President blinked several times. “But…but why didn’t you tell me?” he asked.
“I sent you the CIA report, the commission report and the testimony of Saddam himself,” god good-naturedly responded. “What did you want – a singing telegramme?”
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog
Elections Canada has decided not to prosecute Web sites that publish election results before the polls close. So, in the interest of a fully informed electorate, we can now announce that, according to the advance polls, the Spliffy Peanut Butter Party of Canada has won a decisive victory over Paul Martin’s Liberals with 76 per cent of the popular vote. “Who knew?” commented Spliffy the Beaver.
Those of you thinking of voting for any other party on election day, well, do you really want to buck the Spliffy tide?
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
You Mean Flying Giant Squirrels Aren’t Really Possible?
Scientists are divided in their reaction to the release of the Hollywood blockbuster 28 Days After the Day After the Day After Tomorrow. Some argue that the film’s scientific basis is not credible: “I mean, genetically enhanced flying giant squirrels? They would implode under the weight of their skeletons!” said Bonatelli Arapaho, technology researcher at Lawrence Liveryuck Labs. Other scientists, while accepting that the film takes liberties with what we know about genetic manipulation, still believe that it will help publicize the issue. “It will scare people…err, silly,” said Macon Contrabundo, freelance genetic engineer, “and, once we have their attention, they will be more open to our warning about the dangers of genetic manipulation.” NASA, wisely, has decided not to comment on this issue.
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
A Conservative letter accusing Prime Minister Paul Martin of supporting child pornography has not been disowned by Conservative leader Stephen Harper. “I guess they showed us what dirty attacks really are,” one Liberal insider admiringly conceded.
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
Coming Soon To a TV Screen Near You (Stop Sitting So Close!)
8pm: My Canada Doesn’t Include the French. Mark doesn’t get a government job because he isn’t sufficiently bilingual. In retaliation, he joins the western separatist movement. Hilarity ensues.
8:30pm: Let Those Eastern Bastards Freeze in the Dark. Albert overhears Arlene talking about capping blazing oil wells, and mistakenly thinks she’s plotting with the eastern bastards to cap oil prices. Hilarity ensues.
9pm: Our American Cousins. John tries to convince Linda how much better our lives would be if we had American health care. Meanwhile, terrorists infiltrate downtown Calgary – can John tear himself away from his urgent political discussion to stop them?
10pm: CSI: Moncton. A serial killer is on the loose, but Decker and his investigations team spend as much time arguing with representatives of a private blood testing firm over suspect results as they do investigating splatters on the wall and tracing strange chemical elements found at the crime scenes.
11pm: Fox News.
What Canadian television will look like if the Conservatives make good on their promise to disband the CRTC and make radio, television and telecommunications decisions the responsibility of cabinet.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
Ward Elcock, who recently retired as director of the Canadian Security Intelligence Service after 10 years in the position, allowed that Canada “may well” trade information with countries that torture terrorism suspects. May well? Well, d’uh, Ward. We exchange information with the United States all the time. It’s just this acute perception that has given Canada’s security agencies such a stellar reputation.
SOURCE: The Irrational