Thank you, Bilbo Rostrand, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we decided that we weren’t going to be afraid of Pierre Poilievre becoming Prime Minister. Sure, his government would persecute immigrants. And gay people. And anybody who disagrees with his government. But this would be offset by the fact that his government would scrap any measures to mitigate global climate change (ensuring extreme weather would get worse), work against sensible vaccine policy (ensuring measles would make a comeback, baby!), and undermine the country’s democratic norms (ensuring that the country’s democratic norms would be undermined). So, on balance, we…we…we…
We’re afraid of Pierre Poilievre becoming Prime Minister once again.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Some People Can’t Help Russian To The Defence Of An Enemy
EXT. RUSSIAN STREET – DAY
TUCKER CARLSON is standing next to an ornate brick building.
CARLSON
I’m telling you people, everything is better in Russia. Everything. Love is deeper and truer and always requited. Cabbages are cheaper. And look at these buildings! There is more solid craftsmanship in any single home in Russia than in entire American cities! Check it out…
Carlson leans in and gently knocks on the wall of the building. The wall collapses. Carlson falls into the hole left by the wall as dust is kicked up around him.
CARLSON (CONTINUING)
(weak)
The carpets are thicker and…and…and falling onto them you’re in far less danger of twisting some – owww…
SOURCE: Twitherd Turducken
[https://twitherd.com.Turducken.Carlson]
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And The Wildness Spilled Into The Street
And January 6 Was A Kidsurrection By Comparison
This Week in Demagoguery
Viktor Orban at CPAC (the annual Crappy Polluters of American Civilization conference): “I’m just a regular guy who loves his dog and jailing his enemies, especially those in independent media. Like you, I love my country; unlike you, I am in a position to destroy anybody who gets in the way of my vision of what the country should be. Like you, I’m all about family; unlike you, I have the power to repress the gays, transexuals, labour organizers and opposition politicians whose primary goal is to undermine the families that we cherish. I hope you will take to heart what I have to say, because I think you could learn a lot about democracy from me!”
And the crowd – okay, CPAC actually stands for the Conservative Political Action Committee – went wild.
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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You Know What They Say: When You’ve Lost Cookie Monster…
On TwitterX, Cookie Monster, the blue muppet from Sesame Street whose existence is defined by his name, wrote: “Me hate shrinkflation! Me cookies are getting smaller.” His solution, of course, was a revolution to smash the capitalist system and replace it with a collective where the workers own the means of production.
“I’m not sure that’s the message I want my children to take away from the show,” said Floridian Tina Descovich. “But I’m too busy right now trying to keep Moms For Liberty together, so they’re on their own!”
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Seated On The Other Side Of Him, Melania Rolled Her Eyes And Sighed Brittally
The Republican response to Democratic President Joe Biden’s State of the Union address was given by first term Congresswoman Katie Britt. She laughed. She cried. She whispered like a Stepford Bride. Sometimes all in the same sentence. People of a certain age thought her performance was worthy of the kind of cable TV comedy show from the eighties that was broadcast from somebody’s basement…or kitchen.
Former President Donald Trump, who was busy adding filters to Biden’s speech making him look like a monkey and Pinocchio – because he believes in the dignity of the office – hung on Britt’s every word. At one point, he turned to an aide and said, “She’s good. She’s very good. I would do her. I would do her in a second. Can anybody get her phone number for me?”
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/news/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1106099804463878.xml]
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“I’ll Know It When I See It” – The Punchline I Originally Had Planned On Using – Was Actually Said By The Co-chair
Okay, SOMETIMES Reality Makes Satire Impossible
A listening session hosted by Columbia University’s recently established Task Force on Antisemitism broke out in angry shouting when one of the chairs, Professor Ester Fuchs refused to define antisemitism.
When a student pointed out that the first thing you have to do when studying any phenomenon is to define what it is you’re studying, Fuchs responded: “Fine. You know how I define antisemitism? The need for definitions. That’s antisemitism!”
SOURCE: The Chronicle of Lower Education
[http://lowerchronicle.com/weekly/v11/i13/36a02601.htm]
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When Somebody Quoted Jesus As Saying, “Whatever You Did Not Do For One Of The Least Of These, You Did Not Do For Me,” Olsen Replied, “Yeah, And Look What We Did To Him. Those Kids Are Getting Off Lucky, You Want My Opinion!”
“The rod and reproof give wisdom. But a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.”
– Oklahoma Republican state Representative Jim Olsen, citing Proverbs to explain why he voted against a bill that would have banned corporal punishment for children with disabilities in the state’s public schools
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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On The Other Hand, It’s Great To See The City’s Strip Clubs Get The Recognition They Deserve In International Media
In the Toronto justice system, the detectives of the major case squad are indistinguishable from their American counterparts except for their mid-Atlantic accents. These are their highly fictionalized, highly romanticized, barely adjacent to reality stories.
DUN DUN
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0165355/]
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The Rationale Of Graham Cracker Is Indigestible
If there was a Nobel Prize for lying to the public, former president and current presumptive Republican nominee for the 2024 presidential race Donald Trump would have won it more than the rest of humanity combined. What has been a surprise is how the Republican Party seems to have embraced lying as the primary means of communicating with its supporters.
“It’s not lying,” argued Republican Senator Lindsey Graham. “It’s creative embellishment of the truth.”
Which is another way of saying lying.
“No, no, no,” insisted Graham. “It’s an acknowledgement that there are no absolute truths, just billions of subjective realities.”
Which the right feeds with a steady diet of lies.
“Were you aware,” Graham calmly stated, “that journalists who question the veracity of statements by Republicans are 38,012 times more likely to have their brains eaten by syphilis than the average American?”
You – you just made that up! …Didn’t you…?
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2024Mar11.html]
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