Obituary pirate. Born: September 12 2005…or maybe August 4, 1995, in Chicago…unless it was Detroit…or possibly Santa Fe. Died: March 3, 2024…although it could have been March 4, 2023…and some sources suggest it was March 2, 2042, in New York…or New Haven…or New Delhi, of…maybe you should just read the article, age umm…yeah.
Everybody knows what a pirate is supposed to look like: eye patch, peg leg, moose perched on one shoulder, lowing obscenities it overheard at the last beach party/walk the plank celebration. But these days –
Pirates don’t have moose on their shoulders.
Pirates look more like – what?
Moose don’t perch on the shoulders of pirates.
They don’t? Are you sure about that?
Positive. Moose live in cold climates, but pirates ply (sometimes one, often three when they grow old and soft) warmer southern waters like those of the Caribbean.
Do you mean Jimmy Hoffheuer lied to me in the playground in the back of PSIHU237 when we were in grade four‽
Did you really think that disinformation started with 4Charlie?
If that’s the case, in the popular imagination, what really does perch on the shoulder of pirates and repeats obscenities?
Hippopotamuses.
Ah. Weeeelllll…whatever the popular image of a pirate is, Garamond Vespucci definitely wasn’t it. He was short, with all of his limbs intact, had a bad complexion and poor eyesight (in both very naked orbs), and no animal of any kind perched on his shoulder repeating words of a salacious nature.
Vespucci died of suffocation when an airbag unexpectedly blew up in his face. It was especially unexpected because he was bowling at the time. People who knew him consider Vespucci’s death a tragedy, although it did save him the embarrassment of trying to spare a 7-10 split.
No, he didn’t. Garamond Vespucci died of tofu poisoning.
Tofu isn’t poisonous.
It is when your Vegan dealer cuts it with fentanyl.
You’re both wrong. Garamond Vespucci was killed when a golf club hurled by a Young Republican trying to impress his boss with his capacity for rage ricocheted off a For Rent (Just Not To You) sign and through the windshield of the land kayak he was driving, causing him to veer into a car wash where he was soaped and buffed to death.
That is…shockingly detailed.
I have great sources.
Umm…yes. Well. Whatever the cause, Vespucci was 19 years old when he died.
No, he wasn’t. He was 29 years old.
No, she wasn’t. She was 89 years old. And believe you me, she was ready to die. She had seen things you people wouldn’t believe!
Vespucci was a pioneer in the obscure art of obituary pirating. He (or possibly she) would scour the internet for phrases such as “died suddenly,” “died without warning” or “was a real goner, one moment there, the next, pfft!” When he or she found a suitable subject (somebody recently deceased with lots of friends and family) he or she…or they would use an artificial intelligence to create Farcebook pages and Yahootube videos to commemorate the stiff’s life. Accuracy was not the goal of their efforts: driving enough traffic to their creations to monetize them were.
“AI!” despaired Founder and Executive Director of Bastard AI Governance and Safety, Canada Wyatt Tessari L’Allie (his real name). “Bastard AI!”
Do you mind toning it down? This is an obituary.
“Oh. Ah. I’m sorry. I…I had no idea,” L’Allie quietly responded. “My…condolences – my deep condolences to the family.”
It has become increasingly possible that people grieving the death of their 17 year-old co-worker will find online death notices or celebrations of their lives claiming that they were actually 71 year-old unemployed homeless people. As many as one in 73 obituaries may contain AI-generated errors – when you only make pennies per death, you have to obituary in bulk.
Garamond Vespucci was a groundbreaker. She will be missed.
He really did pave the way for the rest of us. I wouldn’t have been able to afford the closet in my condo if he hadn’t shown me how to profit off the grief of other people online. There’ll never be another like him.
Garamond Vespucci is survived by three cats named Snuggle Butt and a horse with no name. Unless she is survived by a large family that is still somewhat confused over what is happening. Unless he was a loner who is not survived by anybody.
Subjective reality just keeps getting more complicated.
Martina Medina Pavlovina
Martina Medina Pavlovina was the victim of an obituary pirate when she died; as a result, she vowed to bring the practice to public attention. That…can’t possibly be right, but we read it on the internet, so it must be true.