Thank you, Archibald “Flaming” Bitumen, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, you know, we just couldn’t be bothered to make up an excuse for not trying today. Are we getting jaded? Is it even possible to be jaded in a world where Georgio Armani aviator glasses go for a mere $250 a pair? He’s practically giving them away! No, we’re not jaded.
We’re just lazy.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Comedy Is In The Eye Of The Remote Holder
Fox News Channel. 9:30. The ½ Hour News Hour. A parody of overwrought news readers, the journalistic obsession with celebrities, jingoistic rhetoric and, of course, screaming heads masquerading as fair and balanced journalism.
Fox News Channel. 10:00. News Flow. Overwrought news readers, an obsession with celebrities, jingoistic rhetoric and, of course, screaming heads masquerading as fair and balanced journalism.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Without The Nudity (Thank God!)
He sniffs at the fact that they are unconstitutional. He laughs in the face of accusations that they don’t work. Yet, Prime Minister Stephen Harper hasn’t gotten very far by mocking the Liberal Party’s opposition to renewing two security measures, so he has stepped up his rhetoric. He now claims, in the Commons, no less, that the Liberals oppose the measures as a way of protecting the father-in-law of a Liberal MP.
At least, he would have, if he hadn’t been shouted down with cries of “Shame! Shame!”
Remember all that talk about Harper’s hidden agenda? It has now become clear: he intends to turn Parliament into The Jerry Springer Show.
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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If It’s Purple/You Must…Uhh…See A Doctor, Or Something
If It’s Yellow [1]
If it’s yellow [2]
Be mellow. [3]
If it’s brown [4]
Flush [5] it down. [6]
Notes
1) A piece of environmental folk wisdom employing a rhyming mnemonic.
2) Yellow is the colour of bananas, canaries and cowards. Bananas are disappearing as their natural habitat is encroached upon by human settlement. They can be seen as the canaries in the environmental coalmine. Only cowards refuse to acknowledge the seriousness of this.
3) Possibly a reference to a song by Donovan Leitch, although some argue that this is apocryphal while others argue that it is really just an expression of a 1960s attitude towards not just the environment, but, well, everything.
4) Our lawyers have suggested that, no matter how scholarly, annotating this word is just asking for trouble, so we’ll take a pass, thank you very much.
5) Flush: noun: a poker hand with all 5 cards in the same suit; noun: sudden reddening of the face (as from embarrassment or guilt or shame or modesty); noun: sudden brief sensation of heat (associated with menopause and some mental disorders); noun: a rosy color (especially in the cheeks) taken as a sign of good health; noun: the swift release of a store of affective force; noun: the period of greatest prosperity or productivity. How any of this is relevant to the poem is a matter of conjecture.
6) The direction of the underworld, Hades, the domain of the Prince of Lies, etc. etc.
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/167.html]
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One Hairy Week
MONDAY: Funny world. Last week, everybody wanted to know about a bride who shaved her head. This week, nobody wants to know about a pop star who shaved her head.
TUESDAY: Do you think Matt Albee is related to Edward Albee? Not that it matters much now…
WEDNESDAY: LIKE TWO ARMIES PASSING IN THE NIGHT: The British are pulling their troops out of Iraq even as the United States is sending more troops into Iraq. Wouldn’t you like to eavesdrop on the conversation as they pass each other!
THURSDAY: And, remember: there’s no “surge” in “insurgency.”
FRIDAY: The doctor told me I definitely have breast cancer. But, I’m not going to let it spoil my day.
SATURDAY: I went to sux2BU.com, but all it was was insults passed off as attempts at humour. Albert said, “Well, what did you expect?” And, I replied, “Oh. Right.”
SUNDAY: Have you ever wondered if, maybe, the gods of some ancient mythology are the true gods, and the reason that they don’t interfere with human affairs any more is that none of us believe in them? Perhaps if we started believing in them, they would return to us. The problem is: which pantheon would we need to worship? The Greek gods? The Roman gods? The Aztec gods? I say, let’s hedge our bets and worship all of them!
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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Truth Is For Girly Men
Three men sit at a dimly lit table full of empty beer bottles in a seedy bar.
ANDRE “ICE” PICTON: So, they had me surrounded, the cops. Yogi wanted to give up, so I shived him so he wouldn’t give nothing away. Then, I took the shotgun and blasted my way out of there. Blood – cop blood – was flying everywhere, and cars were blowing up – just like in the fuckin’ movies!
CHIP “RECIDIVIST” FELDSPAR: You kiddin’ me? That’s nothing! Man, you should have seen it. I burned down that orphanage with all the little kiddies inside! Just to hear the screams – man, I sleep so much better at night when I can hear the screams.
PICTON: So, what about you?
PIERRE “LUCKY” POILIEVRE: I accused the Liberals of becoming sympathetic to terrorists because of “extremist elements” in the Party.
FELDSPAR: No!
PICTON: You didn’t!
POILIEVRE: On a radio station in the nation’s capital.
FELDSPAR: Oww! That’s cold, man!
PICTON: You are one evil mother!
POILIEVRE: Eh. We do what we can.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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What? What Did You Say? I’m Sorry – I Can’t Hear You – Some Idiot Keeps Repeating His
Talking Points, Week of February 27, 2007
1. Accuse Al Gore of environmental hypocrisy because he drove a Ford gas guzzler when he was 16.
2. The war in Iraq is going well. The surge is only meant to help things go even weller. Anybody who disagrees is giving the terrorists a blow job.
3. Continue the attack on Liberal opinion leaders by claiming that they all get their opinions from Hollywood elitists like Sean Penn. No, not “like” Sean Penn, say they get all of their ideas from Sean Penn. Emphasize the lack of original thinking and the creepily fascistic way they echo the same points, over and over.
4. Repeat point three as often as you can.
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/1080960254786cahs01.html]
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