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The Daily Me Staff
More Of Us Would Be Fans Of Kung Fu Movies?
Cadbury Schweppes was fined more than $2 million because salmonella contaminated some its chocolate products. In reading the judgment, Recorder James Guthrie, presiding in Birmingham Crown Court, sighed and added the aside, “If this was China…”
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB113413397491118404,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
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Oh, Lord! – Oh! No, Sorry, I Didn’t Mean You…
The judge in Conrad Black’s trial has asked him to surrender his passport and not leave the country until his sentencing, to be in November. The judge cited the concern that if he was allowed to go to Canada, he might not come back to the United States. This is ironic, considering that ordinarily when Black leaves a country, most people don’t want him to come back.
But, you know, the days of white collar criminals serving time in cushy jails is apparently over. If Conrad Black does have to go to prison, he will be forced to stay with pimps, thieves and other petty criminals. On the plus side, he will be able to learn new skills that should come in handy in his future business dealings, such as how to make a shiv using only bottle caps.
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/monologue]
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Former Hogwarts Headmaster Friedrich Nietzche Would Have Been Proud
Yet Another Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Spoiler Update: In their climactic final battle, Harry and Voldemort get into a long debate about predestination and free will. Agreeing that they don’t have to be bound by a prophecy, they put aside their wands and open a used wizard’s robes shop together. Hermione and Ron gag. Hogwarts will never be the same again.
SOURCE: Ha Ha, Sucker
[http://www.imagearts.edgerton.ca/~AaronParker/haha/home.htm]
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Apparently, Selling Out IS One Of Our Important Values When There Are Votes To Be Had
“We’re not going to say, ‘Fix all your social, political and human-rights problems and only then will we engage in trade relations with you… That’s a ridiculous position.”
– Prime Minister Stephen Harper, on trade negotiations with Colombia
“I think Canadians want us to promote our trade relations worldwide, and we do that, but I don’t think Canadians want us to sell out important Canadian values. They don’t want us to sell that out to the almighty dollar.”
– Prime Minister Stephen Harper, on trade negotiations with China
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Bourne To Be Mild…To The Manor, NOT Bourne…A Heavy Burden To Be Bourne – The Reviews Practically Write Themselves
The Bourne Ultimatum – Bourne loser
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry – I know pronounce YOU dead on arrival
Skin Walkers – lame
You Kill Me/ – I wish
Evan Almighty – there is no god
SOURCE: Five Second Movie Reviews
[http://www.5secmovrev.com/NOW.htm]
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Mere Polyp Service
President Bush underwent a routine colonoscopy this week. Doctors found five benign polyps, which they removed. They also found the imprint of a human hand. The fingerprints on the hand strongly suggest that it belongs to Dick Cheney.
“Now, how could that have got in there?” the President mused.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2007Jul22.html]
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If Doughnuts Were Illegal…
A year after the Conservative government took office (and shelved the bill that would have decriminalized marijuana), arrests for pot possession have gone up from under 19,000 in 2003-2005 to around 25,000 in 2006.
Prime Minister, Justice Minister and all the other little Torylets who were involved in the decision: are you on crack? I mean, well, obviously, no. Not them. Not Conservatives. But, still.
SOURCE: Are You On Crack
[http://www.finstermaninternational/~johnny/home]
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…Only Criminals Would Eat Doughnuts
A judge has thrown out evidence in the corruption prosecution of six Toronto police drug officers, throwing the case into grave doubt.
“Isn’t that typical of today’s justice system?” officer Billy McCormack sneered. “You work your ass off trying to put the bad guys behind bars, and some judge who has never had to spend time on the streets lets them off on a stupid technicality!” When his lawyer reminded McCormack that he was one of the police officers on trial, he added, “Oh. Right. Hee hee. Sorry. Reflex. Of course, I meant that this is great news.”
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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Even Though Doughnuts Will Save You From Armed Moose
Explaining the Conservative government’s refusal to ban handguns, Public Safety Minister Stockwell Day stated: “Imagine you come across a Moose in the forest. After a moment of disbelief, the moose pulls a gun on you. So, there you are, looking at the gun in the Moose’s…moose don’t have hands, do they? What do they have? Paws? Hoofs. Right. So, the moose has a gun in its hoof. If you had a handgun, you could defend yourself. In fact, if the moose had reason to believe you had a handgun, it probably wouldn’t pull a gun on you in the first place. So, uhh, no handgun ban.”
Ephraim Brown was unavailable for a response.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088593641813&call_pageid=968359478492&col=968669872154]
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Rowling Pulls One Out Of…Well, Not A Hat, Exactly…
New Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Spoiler Update: It turns out the prophecy wasn’t about Harry after all. It wasn’t about Neville, either, though. Apparently, it was about Pallenta Macabre, a character who appeared in the back of the Hogwarts dining hall during meals in the novels. Everybody has a good laugh, and then Voldemort slaughters Pallenta mercilessly and proceeds to take over the world. Hogwarts will never be the same again. Or, the world.
SOURCE: Ha Ha, Sucker
[http://www.imagearts.edgerton.ca/~AaronParker/haha/home.htm]
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Selective Inattention Is A Politician’s Greatest Weapon
SIX MONTHS AGO: MAYOR: We have a $500 million deficit. That means we’ll either have to raise taxes or cut services.
THREE MONTHS AGO: MAYOR: We have to either raise taxes or cut services.
TWO MONTHS AGO: MAYOR: We have to either raise taxes or cut services.
ONE MONTH AGO: MAYOR: We have to either raise taxes or cut services.
YESTERDAY: MAYOR: We have to either raise taxes or cut services.
YESTERDAY: CITY COUNCIL: We intend to put off the vote to raise taxes.
TODAY: MAYOR: We’ll have to cut services.
TODAY: CITY COUNCIL: This is totally out of the blue! The Mayor never said anything about cutting services! He’s obviously fear-mongering!
SOURCE: Politics for Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=501&dir=bb]
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