by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
When it comes to elections, Vesampuccerian Reduhblicans see dead people. Millions of dead people. And despite the fact that it is a time-honoured tradition, it is, if you want to get technical about it, illegal. So, in their ever-evolving rationale for why the 2020 election was stolen from them, Reduhblicans are calling them out.
“They shamble up to the polling station like alcoholics stumbling out of a bar at three in the morning,” former President (and current unindicted co-conspirator) Ronald McDruhitmumpf wrote on Truth Antisocial. “They moan about getting brains. They’re the ideal Dumboprat voters.”
Reduhblican Party officials enthusiastically adopted the President’s latest rationale for losing the election. “Uhh, yeah, you know how it goes,” said the man who would be king speaker Kevin McCartilagebreak. “You start with one zombie asking for a ballot and, before you know it, you have hoards of the brain-eating bastards menacing ordinary workers who have barricaded themselves in polling stations. If you’ve ever seen Night of the Living Voters you know how it works!”
There is no evidence of mass zombie voting – or, even massless (single point?) zombie voting – but that hasn’t stopped internet trolls and bad faith lawn gnomes from propagating the conspiracy theory on social media. “Zombie voters. Interesting…” wrote Elon Threelonemuskateers on Twitherd (although some have question the validity of the post: ever since he lost a poll over whether he should step down as head of the platform, all of Threelonemuskateers’ posts have taken the form “[Subject]. Interesting.” Some tech observers think his account is being run by a bot, others suspect Threelonemuskateers’ brain is broken and stuck in a rut, stuck in a rut, stuck in an etc.).
“Wewl,” sniffed Adirondack Mnemosenicvu, a housewife in Little Big Rock, Arkanussetts, “tha’s not thuh way zombies werk, is it?”
Mnemosenicvu, whose husband, Jarrod, joined the zombie fraternity in 2019 after biting down on an explosive dill pickle, pointed out the classic trope that zombies tend to behave in death the way they did in life. So, in death Jarrod approached the 2020 election in exactly the same way as he did when he was alive: sitting on the couch in the den watching Tuesday night football.
“It’s been more excitin’ since Cleveland resurrected quarterback Otto Grahamcrokercrum, innit?” Mnemosenicvu, who claimed not to be a fan, commented with a sniff. Snommented. No – commiffed. Yeah, that’s much better. Commiffed.
“When you think of the large percentage of Vesampuccerians who don’t vote when they’re alive,” token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam concurred, “it’s not hard to imagine that the hoard of zombie voters in the fever dreams of Reduhblicans is actually a small group, perhaps a trio, certainly no larger than an octet.”
Did that reasoning cause Reduhblicans to sing a different song? Was Moms Mabelybaybelly a professional wrestler? “We’ve already established the principle,” McCartilagebreak stated. “Now we’re just haggling over price!”
“Principle. Interesting,” Threelonemuskateers tweeped.
If an octet or less of zombies actually voted, they would not have changed the outcome of the election, so what’s the big whup? “If even one zombie voted,” McCartilagebreak argued, “it would invalidate the entire election. That’s how democracy works!”
IIIIIIIIIII’m pretty sure that’s not how democracy works. However, the only documented case of a voter fraud took place in Rockville, Maryvania, where zombie Eduardo Finkerbeansgravee cast a ballot for Ronald McDruhitmumpf in the name of his living wife, Montanexas.
“That doesn’t change anything,” McCartilagebreak insisted. “Fraud is fraud. Throw out election. How democracy works.”
“Democracy. Interesting,” Threelonemuskateers tweeped.
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam pointed out that the zombie trope could explain why Threelonemuskateers’ tweeps have a sameness to them. However, I decided to save the observation for the biography of the entrepreneur who bestrode the tech world like a colossal pygmy that I will never write, so it wasn’t included in the article.
While Reduhblicans were busy re-re-re-re-re-re-relitigating the 2020 election, President Joe Bidenhisbeeswax signed into law the Discrimination By Sexual Orientation Sucks, Let’s Not Do It Act. “I was elected to get things done,” the President commented. “I’m doing things. You’re welcome, Vesampucceri.”
“We’ll see how long that lasts,” sneered McCartilagebreak, whose ambition to become Speaker will come to pass when Reduhblicans take control of the House of Representatives in January. Probably. Maybe. Stranger things have happened.
“See. Interesting,” Threelonemuskateers tweeped.
“Long. Interesting,” Threelonemuskateers tweeped.
“Lasts. Interesting,” Threelonemuskateers tweeped. I’m starting to warm to the zombie explanation…