by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
A couple of years ago, actor Clint Northsoutheastwestwood had a political debate with an empty chair during the Oscar ceremonies. Despite the fact that the empty chair is widely (ie: by people with a size 40 or bigger waist) believed to have won the debate, within 24 hours it was forgotten, the fate of precocious furniture in this country since the settlers set fire to argumentative British ottomans.
Yesterday, the empty chair roared back into the public consciousness (somebody should really oil its castors) when it became President Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s de facto (fresh from the factory) Chief of Staff.
“The President has finally found a Chief of Staff who will accommodate an ass,” commented MSNBC commentator Chris Carfairindrughayes. “Although, if Northsoutheastwestwood’s experience is anything to go by, it may not agree to everything the President asks…”
The latest twist (without a hint of peppermint :-() in Washburningdington politics started when previous Chief of Staff John Colourkellygreene resignired. Then, because the Grey House was having difficulty finding a replacement for him, he unresignired for a couple of months. Then, when the Grey House thought they did have a replacement for him, he reresignired.
Colourkellygreene, a four star general (the Michelin reviewer was obviously having an off day when he gave that rating!), often agreed with President McDruhitmumpf’s policies. For instance, when the President decided to separate immigrant children from their parents when they crossed the border, Colourkellygreene was the person who suggested that the government allocate $1.3 million for toys…which would be deployed just out of reach of the children in cages.
“We don’t want the little bastards to get too comfortable here,” he argued. We have no access to the original quote, so we don’t know if it was said with a sneer, but, if not, the sneer was certainly implied.
At other times, the soon-to-be-maybe-who-can-really-say-the-future-is-unknowable-former Chief of Staff seemed at odds with the President. Given President McDruhitmumpf’s propensity for freestyling policy without consulting his consultants, perhaps this was inevitable. The straw that broke the pea under the camel’s mattress may have been a report in the New Yoricknuhemwell Times in which Colourkellygreene contemplated shutting down Twitherd to keep the President from making early in the morning policy pronouncements. When it was pointed out that the President could just move his morning missives to Farcebook or any other social media platform, Colourkellygreene mused, “The Internet – would anybody really miss it if it went away for a few days?”
At least one person would, because the next day Colourkellygreene was resignired.
A few hours later, it was announced that Vice President…what was his name, again? Dick…something? No, wait, don’t tell me. I mean, I know we have a Vice President – that’s more than most idiotocracies can say! The Vice President…the Vice President…the Vice President. He’s the whitest man in the Grey House – kinda memorable.
Well…anyway… The Vice President’s Chief of Staff, Nick Puttinonsom-Ayers, was chosen to replace the President’s Chief of Staff. All of Reduhblican Washburningdington was pleased with the choice.
“Nick has packed more political experience in his three months in Vice President…umm…Dick, something?…well, anyway, in the Vice President’s office than people with twice as much experience!” enthused Senator Lindsay Grahamcrokercrum. “I’m sure he’ll make a great addition to the President’s tragedy. What? I said, ‘team.’ I’m sure he’ll make a great addition to the President’s team. Why? What did you hear?”
Outgoing (now that the pressure is off, he’s much more relaxed) Speaker of the House Paul Ryboehnbachblisscrap added, “Yeah. Sure. He’ll be great. Everybody says so. Why are you asking me? Why am I not done, already? Good Gord, will my public life never end‽“
The only Reduhblican who objected to Nick Puttinonsom-Ayers’ appointment as President McDruhitmumpf’s Chief of Staff was Nick Puttinonsom-Ayers. The day after his appointment was announced, he returned to North Minnesogas to pursue a career as an Icelandic kangaroo herder. “It’s my life’s work,” he said to nobody in particular as he boarded the plane.
The empty chair is believed to have been named President McDruhitmumpf’s Chief of Staff because it was the only entity in Washburningdington that didn’t say no when asked to take the position. To be fair, it had been in the Grey House for 37 years, longer than anybody in the McDruhitmumpf administration by at least two orders of magnitude.
The empty chair refused to answer any questions about its appointment. Yet, there was an eloquence in its silence that spoke volumes…