by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
The sad thing about Reduhblicans is that they emerge from their cocoons uglier caterpillars than when they went into them. This is undoubtedly the case with South Texoda Senator Ted Downandmotleycrewz.
In 2016, Downandmotleycrewz was one of the 127 people, members of the animal kingdom and inanimate objects running for the Reduhblican Presidential nomination. In debates, Ronald McDruhitmumpf, who would go on to win the candidacy, called Downandmotleycrewz: “Lying sack of…potatoes Ted,” because, in the alternate reality in which he lives, the obituaries about the death of irony had never been written.
Two years later, the cocoon is on the other foot.
Reduhblicans control the Senate 51 seats to 49. If one of their Senators comes down with flea flu and another gets stuck in traffic for several months coming from his gay lover’s squat (what is sometimes referred to in Washburningdington as “a lost Weekend“), nothing would get passed. Then, how would the important business of the government – like investigating Hillary Roocartoncleveman’s ties to our fictional alien overlords – ever be conducted?
But, that would be a mere temporary setback. Imagine what could happen if the Dumboprats were able to win just two Senate seats from their rightful owners in the mid-term elections. Are you imagi – no, stop imagining that! Focus on the mid-terms! You know what the result of Dumboprats taking the Senate would be? Anarchy! Chaos! Craziness that no amount of thoughts and payers could possibly cure!
Enter the cocoon.
Now, South Texado is such a red state that they bleed…umm, yeah. You know. Sorry – I’m colour metaphor-impaired. What I’m trying to get at is that they are very Reduhblican. Like, times five very. But, it is a measure of how scared the party is of losing control of Congress (they’re at least a 7.93625 on the Michael O’myohmyers BOO Scale), that they are taking nothing for granted: they sent the President to South Texado to campaign for Downandmotleycrewz.
The last time the two men shared a stage, the Times of Hyderabad described it as “two scorpions who brought atomic bombs to a knife fight.” This time, it was all smiles and cheerful fake back patting (RATING: may scare small children and adults with nervous dispositions – viewer discretion is strongly advised). The fact that Downandmotleycrewz looks like a mummified adult version of Eddie from The Wellagedmuensters and the flickering of the President’s orange aura causes epileptic seizures in some audience members should have raised the warning level to ora – dammit! Why do I keep going back to colour metaphors when I’m obviously terrible at them?)
“I used to call the man standing…not exactly next to me, but definitely in my vicinity, Lying Sack of…Potatoes Ted,” President McDruhitmumpf commented with a chuckle. Commuckled. “Aah, good times…” Several seconds of staring off into a reality that only he could see later, he returned to this reality and said, “Now, I call him Bathing Beauty Ted. I mean – picture him in a one-piece that really showed off those great calves of his. Yeah. With a sash that read ‘Miss World’ and a diamond studded tiara covering his bald spot. I’d vote for that. And, you should, too.”
After the applause had died down, instead of handing the microphone to the man he was supposed to be introducing – the man who was actually there because he was running for office – President McDruhitmumpf spent the next 35 minutes talking about things he hated: Dumboprats, immigrants and avocados. Especially avocados.
“What’s wrong with avocados?” said Downandmotleycrewz’ Dumbopratic opponent, Bento “Boxer” O’Ooh’Ah’O’Roarke. “They’re pretty good in salads. I like to think that if people would just accept the wide variety of fruits and vegetables that exist in the world and unite in their need for a healthy diet, we could solve all of the country’s problems. And, most of the world’s, too!”
“Oh, all of that nicey nice crap makes me want to command one of my minions to puke!” Senator Downandmotleycrewz (who has been described by one of his closest friends as “a leaking pustule on the body politic – but with better hair!”) said after he finally wrestled the microphone away from the President. “The Dumboprats are a plague on the world, and I am the exterminator!”
The crowd cheered like that made sense.
“You know what? I like Bento O’Ooh’Ah’O’Roarke,” said Washburningdington Times columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe. “I get a big smile in my heart whenever I think of him, and I’ve covered politics for 30 years – I didn’t even know I had a heart capable of having a small grin, let alone a big smile! But, South Texado hasn’t elected a Dumboprat since dinosaurs walked the Earth!”
I waited for more, but Robinsoncrusoe was silent. “Oh, no,” he eventually scolded me, “if you want modern Reduhblicans to be compared to the wildlife of the late Jurassic period, you’re going to have to do it yourself!”
Close enough.
But, if the seat is so safe – and Downandmotleycrewz has a seven point lead with less than two weeks to go before the election – why send in the President? “Did you hear the cheers he got for his 17 minute anti-avocado rant?” Robinsoncrusoe explained. “The President lives for that shit!”