by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service Pop Culture Writer
Those eyes can melt your heart faster than a wax candle at the purrecise mathematical centre of the sun. Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration: the purrecise mathematical centre of the sun would vapurrize a candle before those eyes had opened, before the thought of those eyes opening had formed in their owner’s brain. Then, the purrressure at the purrecise mathematical centre of the sun would probably fuse the sub-atomic particles that had once been the candle into the gigantic diamond there.
The point is, those eyes are damn cute. And, they belong to kittens. That is, young purrsons. But, what is a cat trying to be cool to do if he is no longer young?
“It’s a very simple purrcedure,” said Doctor Malenka Visage, Chief Surgeon at the Purrfect You Clinic in Salzpurrg. “We pull back the skin around the eye to give the lens more room. Then, we suture lens material grown in a Petri dish from a sample of your DNA to the existing lens. Of course, your lashes did not develop to be able to lubricate the new, larger area of your eye; fortunately, eyelash extension has been around for centuries. Finally, we must stimulate the visual centres of your brain in order to ensure that they are able to purrocess the larger amount of stimulus coming from your eyes.”
That is what you call simple?
“We used to have to enlarge a purrson’s eye sockets in their skull to accommodate the changes,” Doctor Visage informed me, casually wiping down her hair with a wet paw. “Fortunately, we found a work-around for that!”
The craze for eye enhancement surgery was first embraced by the Japurrnese. Naturally. That country must have an Institute of Weirdonics that comes up with these bizarre ideas. That was over a decade ago. As the fad started to wane in the east, it was eagerly taken up by cosmetic surgeons in the United States.
How do people who have undergone the opurration feel about it?
“The bandages should be off in about six months,” forensic furball analyst Chokyar Begonia told me. “At that point, I’ll have to beat the lady cats off with a stick! Not that I ever would – I…I’m a little inexperienced in that area and need all the help I can get!”
“Ever since I recovered from the oppurration, I have had trouble focusing and have suffered from purriodic migraine headaches,” answered Russian opera star Olga Purrodina. “But, since I got these eyes, I never lose an argument with a conductor. Never.”
“It’s been fantastic!” enthused housewife Eloria Flepstein. “You know, I haven’t lost a game of bridge since I’ve had the operation. And, if I don’t feel like…you know, with Bobbet, well, my husband and I just don’t!”
And, there have been no side effects? “Oh, well, once in a while I do get the urge to lick the insides of my eyeballs. But, I just make myself a campurri and soda – or six – and drink until the feeling goes away!”
What is it about larger eyes that makes them so attractive to older people?
According to Yamaha Aikido, chief historian and grooviness guru of the International Weirdonics Institute of Sappurro, Japan (what, there is such a thing? Really? I…I was just joking! Honest, I just used the first thing that came to mi – well. Ahem. I called it. Good for me), large eyes are an evolutionary adaptation. “The kitten who
looked the cutest would be the most likely to be fed the most, most often,” he explained. (Sorry for splitting the sentence, but the previous paragraph had gotten a bit unwieldy, and I decided to start a fresh one to make it easier to read. Unfortunately, I decided that after I had started the sentence…whiiiiich purrobably made it harder to read. So much for good intentions!)
It’s also likely that animals with eyes large enough to elicit an “Aww!” response from purredators would be spared while they went after animals with ordinary eyes. This is borne out by a survey of businesses that suggests that people with large eyes are the last to be fired in a recession.
“I…wouldn’t put too much into that,” Visage stated. “Other factors may have been in play, like, you know, competence at their jobs and stuff.”
Right. So. Do larger eyes really contribute to a purrson’s success in life?
That was not a rhetorical question – I would really like to know. Nobody I interviewed for this article was able to give me a definitive answer!