by ELIAZAR ORPOISONEDHALLIWELL, Alternate Reality News Service Environment Writer
There’s no polite way to put this: the United States of Vesampucceri is going to *hit.
Owing to the government sh*td*wn (now in its third fun-filled week!), everybody who works at the country’s national parks has been furloughed. “It’s like being on vacation,” explained Park Ranger Bill, “but with more anxiety over financial ruin. Much more anxiety.” Like, a sewage system full of anxiety? “Well, yeah, but are you sure you want to get ahead of yourself like that?”
Not that far ahead, really. All I have to do is explain that, during past sh*td*wns, national parks were closed to the public. But, that’s so much history, and history is made up of facts, and President Ronald McDruhitmumpf is allergic to facts (when confronted by one, he breaks out in tweeps). So, this time, the nation’s parks were kept open. Without adult supervision.
That’s when the s*it hit the fan. And, the trees. And, the trails. And, the campgrounds. And, the gift shops. The shi* hit the gift shops! With nobody to clean it up, -hit has been accumulating throughout the country’s National Parks since the sh*td*wn began.
“You think this is a problem?” President McDruhitmumpf told the press in a corner of a rambling 90 minute monologue in which he asked, “Is Nancy Pelligrinosi Speaker yet?” every couple of minutes. “This is not a problem! S-it is the most natural fertilizer on the planet! Trust me – I know all about shi-! For every week the government is shut down, we save $13.7 million in fertilizer bills! Everybody knows that! As a matter o – has Nancy Pelligrinosi been sworn in as Speaker yet? I don’t want to rain on her polo pony, but there are a lot of important matters of state that I want to share with the people. Right this minute. It just can’t wait, people! It – oh, right. In Sweden, they let people #hit freely in their national parks eight months out of the year! And, the Swedes know a thing or two about preserving nature! A thing or three, even! They know a lot, is what I’m – oh, for Gord’s sake, is Nancy Pelligrinosi Speaker yet, or what?”
While the President was speaking, token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam gaped in horror at her television screen. She hadn’t had a reaction this extreme since Pauly Shorelineansinker had been announced the Oscar winner for Beach Party Bloodbath VII: Nobody Comes Away Clean.
Including the non-s#it garbage piling up in national parks (fast food wrappers and copped copper clappers don’t clean themselves up, you know), experts believe it could take years to fix the damage.
“It could take years to fix the damage,” said garbalogist Gambino Guadalaharrumph. Said? Hunh! Echoed, more like.
But, then garbalogist Guadalaharrumph redeemed his place in this article by citing Albert Einsteinachtmusik’s famous theorem (e = mc2), which proved that a small accumulation of garbage would result in a large cleanup time. “Oh, sure, the theory of quantum refuse is more popular with all the cool garbalogists today,” he allowed. “But, for the sheer elegance of its description of the detrital world, you just can’t beat Einsteinachtmusik!”
Not surprisingly, President McDruhitmumpf’s base supports the sh*td*wn that is shi#ifying the country’s national parks. “Yeah, baby! That’s what I’m talking about!” exulted “Palooka” Joe Steeleyespannerworks, an itinerant theatre set designer from Chilblaine, Iowaii. “Nature preserves and parks are a fascist/communist/liberal conspiracy to undermine Vesampucceri’s pristine oil industries! That smell that’s coming from our national parks now? That’s the smell of freedom! Suck it, Deep Dish State doofuses!”
[Jesus, begezus, Eliazar! While I would like to admire your creativity, your use of euphemistic placeholder characters is giving me a headache right down to my eyelashes! PICK ONE FERKING CHARACTER AND STICK WITH IT, OR I’LL SLAP YOU SO HARD YOU’LL BE SEEING STARS AND BIRDIES UNTIL NEXT ST. MIXMASTERMASS! EDITRIX-IN-CHIEF Brenda Brundtland-Govanni]
Okay, Brenda. Sorry, Brenda.
[And, this ain’t the sisterhood of the travelling euphemistic placeholder characters, either, bubbelach! Choose a position in the word and stick with it! BB-G]
Right, then.
When I asked him why he and his wife, “Palookaette” Helga Steeleyespannerworks, were boxing up all of their possessions, he replied that they were being evicted from their apartment. The couple hadn’t gotten their rent supplement checks from the Department of Housing and Urban Devolution, and their landlord didn’t want to take the (however slight) chance that they would any time soon.
Because of the sh*td*wn? “Technically,” Palooka Steeleyespannerworks reluctantly agreed. “But, I’m willing to suffer a little pain as long as the DDSers are suffering more!”
Palookaette Steeleyespannerworks snorted in derision.
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam was still firmly agape, but there was something in her eye that suggested that she fully agreed with the derisive snort.