by CORIANDER NEUMANEIMANAYMANEEMAMANN, Alternate Reality News Service Urban Issues Writer
The problem with immigrants is where to put them. Oh, sure, you can keep them in cages on military bases, but soldiers might object, not without reason, that looking after children who don’t speak English so they have to mime being allergic to concrete floors is not what they signed on for. The soldiers. If the children didn’t want to live in cages, they shouldn’t have been born to immigrants.
And, yes, you can probably give them all homes in the Grand Ditch – there is certainly enough room for them all. Still, that doesn’t stoke the outrage of your base and poke your political opponents in the eye at the same time. (Oh – you thought this was about solving a humanitarian crisis? Where is the political advantage in that?)
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf thinks he has found a better solution to the problem.
“Dumboprats like Mexicans streaming across the border?” President Ronald McDruhitmumpf stated. “Tell you what. Let’s ship ’em all to sanctuary cities. See how much Dumboprats like them when they’re wandering through their designer coffee clatches and used cutlery shops!”
“Send ’em to me!” enthused New Yoricknuhemwell City Mayor Bill diBlaseohoh. “We’ll take all the immigrants we can get!”
“I don’t think you understand,” President McDruhitmumpf argued. “I’m going to send you all the people coming across the northern border with Mexico. All the illegals. You know what I’m talking about!”
“We’ll be happy to take them,” said San Francisco Mayor London Breedensircusses. “The more immigrants, the better.”
“Rapists!” President McDruhitmumpf shouted. “I’m talking rapists! And, murderers! I’ll make sure that the Mexican rapists and murderers flooding our southern border will end up in your sanctuary cities! Raaaapists! Muuuuuuurrrrrderers! Sanctuary cities! Pay attention – when I tell you that you know what I’m talking about, know what I’m talking about!”
“Immigrants have a lower rate of crime than native born Vesampuccerians,” Mayor diBlaseohoh and Mayor Breedensircusses said in unison. “They also have a stronger work ethic.”
“They’ll help the city’s economy grow for the next two generations!” Mayor Breedensircusses said.
“The stories they bring with them will help enrich the city’s culture!” Mayor diBlaseohoh said at the same time.
“Well, that didn’t go quite the way I thought it would,” President McDruhitmumpf muttered darkly.
Sanctuary cities are areas where local authorities do not cooperate with ICES (the Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service) in corralling and expulsing people living in the country without documentation. They tend to be the most liberal cities in the country, as well as – and this is what really infuriates Reduhblicans – the wealthiest. Almost as if there is a connection between the two facts.
Almost…
“Sanctuary cities? Hunh. That’s a new one on me,” commented Acting Homeland Insecurity Secretary Kevin McAleenanites. “But, uhh, I’m new, here. I mean, I don’t even know where the coffeemaker is, and I’m not good to go until I’ve had at least my fourth mocha latte. So, it may be a while before I can respond to this…”
Representatives of the Grey House were more categorical (they obviously play Scattergories in their down time): “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,” one of the representatives commented between turns. “We considered this possibility months ago and ruled it out! Categorically, absolutely, utterly, flatly, unconditionally and with no possibility of reconsideration – or, at least, we thought no possibility of reconsideration…”
Homeland Insecurity and the Grey House argued that the plan would be complicated, costly and cummerbund. (They really need to work on incorporating alliteration into the rule of three.) “You know how it works,” the Grey House source said. “You can have something complicated and cummerbund, but not costly. Or, you can have something cummerbund and costly, but it won’t be complicated. We were willing to forego cummerbund – what is that, anyway? Some kind of actor or something? – but that left us with complicated and costly. Not a good set of policy parameters.”
The Grey House source went on to point out that if they were in sanctuary cities, immigrants would be given ID cards and would be allowed to work and find places to stay. They couldn’t be kept in cages. Families couldn’t be separated. This would appear to be the opposite of what the President hopes to achieve with his border policy.
“But, you know the Chief,” the Grey House source summed up. “He has the memory of a cat. As long as it was brought up more than three minutes ago, there is no idea so bad that we have ruled it out categorically, absolutely, utterly, flatly, unconditionally and with no possibility of reconsideration that he won’t revisit!”