Years ago, I wrote about Glenn Babb, South Africa’s Ambassador to Canada, who practiced a curious form of diplomacy that involved inflammatory rhetoric aimed at his host country. I alternately called this Scorched Earth Diplomacy or The Big Stick Approach.
Now, Scorched Earth Diplomacy has a new name: Tony Soprano Diplomacy or, less formally, The International Bitch Slap.
This comes thanks to American President George W. Bush’s naming of emotional powderkeg John Bolton as American Ambassador to the United Nations. Bush avoided the messiness of democratic process (in this case, a confirmation hearing) by appointing Bolton in the dead of night after Congress had passed out on the couch during a recess night of debauchery.
Boy, is somebody going to wake up with a wicked hangover.
Now that Bolton has secured his position, what will diplomacy at the United Nations look like? The following scenarios give some indication of what to expect:
SITUATION: The United Nations General Assembly passes a resolution condemning Israel’s occupation of Palestinian territory. THE OLD DIPLOMATIC APPROACH: Vote with Israel against the resolution and quietly ignore repeated requests that the US do something to rein in its client state. THE INTERNATIONAL BITCH SLAP APPROACH: Claim that “There’s no such thing as the UN” and put your hands over your ears and shout, “La la la, I can’t hear you” if anybody tries to convince you otherwise.
SITUATION: The UN General Assembly passes a resolution calling on all of its members to abide by anti-nuclear proliferation treaties. THE OLD DIPLOMATIC APPROACH: Make speeches that extol the virtues of nuclear non-proliferation while secretly conducting research into new nuclear weapons. THE INTERNATIONAL BITCH SLAP APPROACH: Make speeches like, “If the UN Secretariat building in New York lost 10 stories, it wouldn’t make a bit of difference,” adding, “and I know just the people who can supply the dynamite” and openly conduct research into new nuclear weapons.
SITUATION: United Nations weapons inspectors cannot find weapons of mass destruction, undermining the American rationale for waging war. THE OLD DIPLOMATIC APPROACH: With a nod to the often difficult task of interpreting data, respectfully disagree. THE INTERNATIONAL BITCH SLAP APPROACH: Spearhead a campaign to have the head of the UN’s International Atomic Energy Agency brought to you on a platter, because he obviously isn’t doing his job and, well, some heads look better on platters.
SITUATION: The United Nations announces that AIDS has become a crisis in developing nations and demands that the pharmaceutical companies of developed nations make the latest drugs available free of charge. THE OLD DIPLOMATIC APPROACH: Announce that you recognize that AIDS is a serious problem that requires serious solutions while seriously avoiding to commit your government to any. THE INTERNATIONAL BITCH SLAP APPROACH: Accuse the United Nations of being a Communist organization and remind them of what happened to the last Communist organization that crossed America.
SITUATION: The Secretary General has suggested that the United Nations would work much better if members paid their fees on time. THE OLD DIPLOMATIC APPROACH: Agree that the United Nations is an important international organization, and that you will pay your late fees to it as soon as one or two questions you have are answered, one or two questions that, oddly enough, never seem to be answered… THE INTERNATIONAL BITCH SLAP APPROACH: Have members of your staff secretly spread the rumour that the Secretary General commits unnatural acts with cottage cheese, then express outrage and tell him that he’s lucky you don’t personally burn the whole degenerate UN headquarters to the ground.
SITUATION: A minor functionary in the UN, some secretary of a secretary of a secretary, wonders out loud how seriously the American Ambassador should be taken, given that whole appointment in the dead of night without the support of Congress thing. THE OLD DIPLOMATIC APPROACH: Quietly take the Secretary General aside and suggest that such wonderings aren’t really in the interests of good international relations. THE INTERNATIONAL BITCH SLAP APPROACH: Stalk the halls of the United Nations building carrying a firelit torch and demanding the immediate execution of the functionary, with the threat that you will indiscriminately burn down offices until proof of the functionary’s death has been brought to you.
There is no doubt that the International Bitch Slap Approach will shake up relations between nations. How well will it serve American interests? One can only hope better than the old Big Stick Approach served Apartheid South Africa.