by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology Writer
Specific Motors is recalling 300,000 Rabid Lemurs (the car, not the animal – that’s a problem the Madagascar government will have to deal with) after reports that the vehicles had been involved in dozens of violent incidents over the past two months.
“The recall is purely a precautionary measure,” Specific Motors Vice President, Announcing Precautionary Measures Florinda Asquiveda assured everybody, which perversely assured no one. “We haven’t had reports of vehicular road rage so much as vague urban legends – you know, like Bigfoot or George Clooney’s marriage. In fact, I wouldn’t even call this a recall – it’s more like a friendly suggestion to let us make sure that your vehicle’s operating system is operating systemming properly.”
You used the term ‘road rage.’ Does that mean –
“Did I say road rage?” Asquiveda blushed. “I meant to say…toad…stage – on a stage – toad on a stage. We’ve been experimenting with using frogs as the vocal interface between the driver and the personality module of the vehicle’s operating system. Just, between you and me, owner’s haven’t taken to the new voice, and I expect that programme to croak very soon…”
So, to sum up, the personality module of your cars is prone to fits of road rage that have resulted in much vehicular mayhem on the world’s highways and in the privacy of your own home.
“Ooooh,” Asquiveda oooohed, “you’re good!”
No, I’ve just interviewed Rabid Lemur owners. Michelle Mocmicmacson, for example. She was on her way to work (Mocmicmacson is a dental hygienist for the law firm of Heenus, Weinus and Absolution) when her Rabid Lemur caused a 27 vehicle pileup on the Slap Happy Appian Way (between Newhaven, Connecticut and Milton, Ontario).
“Somebody in a yellow Honda Civet made an unsafe lane change and cut us off,” Mocmicmacson explained. “After that, my Rabid Lemur started weaving in and out of lanes – the police mechanic said it was looking for another Honda Civet. I don’t remember much after the Lemmington cut-off, but I gather my car must have found one, because I’m told that seven people died and 24 were injured in the ensuing madness.”
“That could have been an isolated incident,” Asquiveda pointed out.
Rabid Lemur owners like Adrian Polodney. “I was stopped at a red light,” he stated, “when my vehicle started wildly bouncing up and down – and I don’t even have mag wheels!” Polodney’s vehicle had stopped next to a second Rabid Lemur, and the two of them decided to drag down the main street of lovely, scenic, Beaverton, South Dakota. The casualties included: eight human beings, 12 electric poles, three mailboxes and a pay telephone booth (putting it more firmly on the endangered species list and angering cultural environmentalists – all four of them).
“What, that?” Asquiveda waved a dismissive hand. “That was just a case of the spirit of a vindictive dead teenager come back to wreak havoc on the living by possessing a vehicle. It was just bad luck it that it happened to be one of ours.” When I suggested that this was hard to believe, Asquiveda responded, “I know, right? She died at the height of her beauty and popularity – you’d think she would be happy avoiding the inevitable decline that time brings!”
I didn’t press the point, because Rabid Lemur owners like Elmira Breckenridge. S/he (s/he was being coy about his/her gender identity, and I didn’t feel like pressing the point) noticed that some days the vehicle’s fenders were dented and its hood appeared to be covered in white, sweet liquid. Worse, the car had more miles on it than Breckenridge could remember driving (s/he has a spirometric memory for those kinds of things).
“I took the vehicle in to Phil, the mechanic from the shop down the street,” Breckenridge said. “He told me that my Rabid Lemur had an irrational fear of ice cream trucks, and went looking for them on its own after I went to sleep. Choosing the PG version of what happened next, Phil, the mechanic from the shop down the street told me that my Rabid Lemur ‘made sure that several ice cream trucks would never deliver a soft-serve vanilla in a waffle cone again!'”
Asquiveda good-naturedly held up her hands in surrender. “Okay,” she said, “you can’t argue with Phil, the mechanic from the shop down the street. He knows things. We’re recalling the Rabid Lemurs because their personality modules are prone to insane fits of rage, some of which could be referred to as ‘road.'”
Specific Motors has issued 2,349 recalls this year, recalling more vehicles than it has produced in the history of the company (there has been recall overlap…so…much…overlap). This comes just five years after Specific Motors was given a 13 squidjillion dollar bailout. This seems like a bad way of repaying taxpayers.
“Hey!” Asquiveda complained. “If we hadn’t gotten that bailout, you would now be driving defective cars from Japan! Patriotic much?”